Activist for Change and son to Joseph the Carpenter was yesterday evening rounded up by police from his home in Kasangati on treason related charges. Jesus Christ who was last Sunday filmed with a group of rowdy youth as he made his entrance into Kampala on a donkey with palm leaves, is being accused of causing havoc in the city through his massive kakuyege and among others, authoring books that attack the personality of the President.
By the time we came to publication, Jesus had been denied bail by the Chief Magistrate Steven Car-voom-mar (read Kavuma) who claimed that this was a very sensitive case that required maximum surveillance.
In case Jesus loses this case, he will be hanged onto a cross at the Constitutional square under the full watch of the Nampala of Kampala with his two accomplices in crime, Omuloodi and Keys-argh Base-jay.
According to Jesus’ lawyers, these are all false accusations which are trying to link Jesus to people like Sejusa. “This is a guy without a crime, he’s simply teaching that he’s a son of God, other Pastors are just jealous of him because he performs miracles for free.”
Among some of the things Jesus has done till now include walking on water while visiting Bwaise. Beer companies on the other hand are blaming their losses on him. “How dare he turn water into wine? Did UNBS even certify his alcohol?”
However the ladies of the night at Speke Road and along Top Bar were all in full support of Jesus. “Can you imagine OC Kirumira had arrested one of us, but Jesus asked them if any of them had never done what they were accusing us of selling out?”
Jesus is believed to have been betrayed by his good friend Sulaiman Key-dan-dala according to leaked tape recordings by a one Tom Okwalinga who is believed to be an angel of sorts.
But the biggest of crimes that Jesus will have to deal with is the one where he is being accused of uttering out silly statements like; “I can put down Mapeera house and rebuild it in 3 days.”
Finally, the people in Kamwokya were all full of praise for Jesus. “Can you imagine Jesus preaches the real gospel, ever since I began following his teachings while smoking the things Bobi Wine smokes, I have been with the Lord most high.”
Chameleone on the other hand gave a testimony about how Jesus helped him become a superman to the extent that even when he fell, he only managed to break his legs.
Bebe Cool on the other hand was not available for a comment. However rumour has it that he was busy making history at Emirates Stadium where Arsenal FC will be erecting a monument in honour of the record he set; “becoming the first katala to watch an Arsenal match live.”
And lastly, the bodies in the Mulago Mortuary were seen walking out following Jesus’ miracle session and one of the bodies is the fool writing this crap. He resurrected yesterday having passed out while eating a Kikomando, a diet introduced by Jesus.
Till then, have an Awesome Easter Period.
With Love from BigEye.ug
Signed
Ian Ortega (Editor-in-Chief)
www.facebook.com/ortegaiancom
@OrtegaUganda
