By Ian Ortega
Driving in Uganda is, but an intimidating task to many. At least we all know that if you see a car stuck in a trench, there is a 99 percent chance that it’s a Ugandan lady. Ugandan ladies and driving, is like eating fish with a fork.
So here is how to drive a car in Uganda, like a Ugandan and enjoy the moment.
1. Never Indicate: Your next move should always be a mystery. Don’t let the drivers behind you know what new trick you are about to apply. Take them by surprise!
2. Only wear a safety belt if a traffic policeman is in sight. Safety belts suffocate you and only serve to make your shirt wrinkled. For the sake of smartness, never wear them.
3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 spacios, an Ipsum and four vitz. This will only delay you. Make sure, you drive bumper to bumper, lest the traffic lights show red because of the distance you left in between.
4. Small cars like Vitz are to be driven by ladies, automatic cars by uncircumcised men. Real mature men drive big cars like the Prados and other expensive fuel guzzlers.
5. A bodaboda rider is ever wrong even when he’s right. Never concede defeat when you knock down a bodaboda rider. They are not even supposed to be in the city centre.
6. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable during rush hour. That’s why it’s called ‘rush hour’ also what beats me….why is the slowest traffic called Rush Hour?
7. Never allow another driver to get into the road no matter how much they beg you for the chance. This will cause you delays.
8. When stopped by a traffic policeman, always have some quick change with you, like small notes of 2000 which you can increase by 1000 denominations basing on the intensity of the crime or the seriousness of the officer. Never drive without cash on you, otherwise, you will end up with a traffic ticket and heavy fine.
9. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to stretch your legs.
10. Never allow to fall into a pothole with your car, it’s better to use the other lane and distract oncoming drivers rather than slow down just to pass through a pothole.
11. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It’s a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake or know how to use their mirrors.
12. On the Zebra crossing, give way only to zebras and to people in black and white striped shirts! Otherwise, never stop at a Zebra crossing because zebras don’t cross roads.
13. When you overtake a slow driver, he will suddenly wake-up and begin racing.
14. Never drive while in front of a trailer or a big truck. These things never have their brakes in the right conditions.
15. A good driver is a speeding driver. If in doubt, check your speedometer.
16. Don’t follow traffic signs; they are simply put to account for money in the Ministry of roads and transport.
17. No matter how much the fuel meter shows empty, interpret the E as enough until the car completely runs out of fuel. This is how we save on fuel.
18. It’s easier to get your driving permit before you learn how to drive.
19. Never accept your mistakes on the road, the driver who over-reacts with abuses is always the right one, this is the rule of the thumb, so have some abuses on reserve.
20. Never drive next to a Benz and at worst knock a Benz car. These cars are expensive; the lights can buy your Ipsum.
21. If you have heart problems, please don’t drive on our roads, they are not for the faint-hearted.
22. When stuck in jam, keep your car windows up, otherwise, we shall snatch those valuables you keep flaunting.
23. Never slow down on speed humps, mind your head though.
24. ADD MORE………..
Disclaimer: Don’t try this on the road if you are a lady or a Mutoro. Only to be tried by the brave and at your own risk. This is a joke and nothing more, BigEye.ug is not responsible for any consequences arising from maximum adherence to the tips outlined.