“[katogoaward]”
By Ian Ortega
It’s now official; my Nokia phone battery has managed to last longer than the marriage of Princess Ruth Komuntale and Duke Christopher Thomas. I always had a feeling that this guy was a gangster, people from Missouri are always hard-core niggas, they run marriages like companies, they always spot the target and hit it. If only Komuntale had listened to me while at Aga Khan, if only she had awakened to my love and reciprocated it, she would not have landed this guy who apparently worked at the Discovery Channel, perhaps Komuntale was another of his discoveries.
So here are the ten reasons the marriage broke into pieces.
1. Komuntale Never Prepared For Marriage
If you observe everything clearly, you will realize that Queen Best Kemigisha spent more time with Oyo than with the Princess. Even at Aga Khan, sometimes, Komuntale would be forgotten at School only to be picked later. And the poor girl has been to Libya, and America all her life. She never got in touch with her Ssengas, she never got that super advice girls get before they get into marriage. If it had been a Muganda Princess, we can assure you, we would not be hearing such things about the marriage in public.
2. The Tooro Gods Were Annoyed
Last week, one of the most respected elders in Tooro told me, “either the Kingdom collapses or the marriage of the Princess does.” And it seems the gods would rather see a marriage collapse than the Kingdom. “Even in the will of the late King, it was clearly stipulated that none of the kids should marry an outsider,” says the elder. So there we went, at least a Kampala road managed to last longer than a marriage.
3. Thomas Could Not Satisfy the Princess
A Mutooro girl will suffer physical beatings but if a man cant translate these beatings into bed-ball beatings, then she will jump out of this marriage at the earliest opportunity. It is believed that Christopher Thomas suffers from pre-mature ejaculation and had never helped the Princess to reach orgasm. This is the number one reason Batooro girls cheat, they can’t stand weak men in bed. If Thomas was playing his bedroom roles to perfection, Ruth would never have cared about other things, neither would the Queen Mother have known.
4. Thomas Was Like a Parasite to the Whole Marriage
The Kingdom funded everything concerning their marriage, even the food they ate, the places they travelled to, they were all funded by the Kingdom. Men are always bound to act silly when they feel threatened as far as their roles are concerned. A man’s core roles are to protect and provide. But all these roles were taken away from Thomas. So, in order to prove he was the man in the house, he had to whip Ruth time and again.
5. Ruth saw more handsome, caring men
Now, of course yours truly is one of those handsome men, everyone can attest to this. Over the months, more handsome men increased in Uganda, Ruth saw all these handsome and caring men, men who could take you to the nicest places to party like crazy, men who could show you all the sex positions, men who had well-built bodies. When Ruth saw what she was missing, the plan was to opt out of this boring relationship.
6. Thomas saw more beautiful Batooro Girls
Banange, Ugandan girls have over-become bootyful, but Batooro girls have over become beautiful. When Thomas saw all this, he realized he could hook up a more beautiful mutooro chic. We must all agree, that except for her being a Princess, when it comes to beauty in Batooro, Komuntale is just the basic deal. We have these super beautiful batooro girls, wama Princess Juliana am I lying? So like any normal man, Thomas was leadeth into temptation, he had to translate his optical nutrition into bedroom nutrition.
7. Thomas Battered Ruth
Like seriously, you batter a Princess and you expect the marriage to last. How on earth? In fact because of this, the next time Thomas comes around, we shall flog him in the middle of the city centre. Omumbejja takubwa, newanywa esaada takubwa.
8. WTF Killed the Marriage
We live in an era of Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook aka WTF. The moment you begin updating us of every stage of your relationship on these platforms, we show you WTF. So this relationship was splashed before our faces, nga Ugandans can bewitch. Everyone began cursing, girls began wishing this whole thing could break up, dudes were also wishing they were Thomas, and Voila it broke up.
9. The Queen Mother Ran The Marriage Like Her Chess Board
It is believed that the Queen Mother was even present during the first sexual encounter of the two, arranging them on bed, showing the King where to put the pawn on the ‘Queen’s body. She would try out all the moves, she just played this marriage like a video game, for example, where the marriage had to go faster, the Queen Mother employed her expertise in need for Speed and the marriage went fast. She juggled everything in this relationship. Every married people need some breathing space and the Queen mother denied the two this space.
10. The Late Gadaffi was not happy
According to our Libyan sources, the late Muammar Gadaffi had left an order that when he dies, everyone who received his money should mourn for a minimum of 4 years. This had not happened in Tooro. And so the ghost kept haunting Thomas and Ruth. At one time while Thomas was going for Ruth’s Benghazi, he would hear doors closing themselves, water dripping and poor guy would get terrified and cum so quickly.
The writer wishes to note that all these are his philosophical reasons though they hold some water.
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