By Ian Ortega
These are artistes who think because they sound great in their shower rooms aka bathrooms, they have the music talent. We all know they are supposed to be in a different career but they insist on forcing the talent. These are the top pretending music artistes in Uganda.
MC Fish: Heard of that No-Chorus song and other sexual innuendo-fested songs, well MC Fish is behind such provoking crap. We blame MC Fish for the deafness of some of our relatives, my cousin could not stand listening to such nosense, he chose to become deaf rather than face such musical torture in his ears.
Ronnie Stamina: Well, it’s not bad following your heart, but it’s also not good trying to sit on a charcoal stove just because your heart told you, your butt will get scorched. The best he has ever achieved in the music industry is bringing us the stamina dance which helped to make Eddie Kenzo a Grammy-material artiste, other than that, he has struggled with the mic claiming to be an artiste.
Zuena Cool: It’s good this one ran off early into better things. Zuena is the only multi-purpose celebrity in Uganda. She’s been a Miss Uganda contestant, she’s been an ex-girlfriend to Mowzey Radio, she’s the wife to Big Size, she’s also been an upcoming artiste with two songs to her name, she’s tried fashion designing, she’s done baking cakes (actually she’s great at this) and now she’s joining NTV as a host of a certain show. But music wise, goodness, you may make some dead artistes resurrect from their graves in protest.
Tip Swizy: His music talent is like wind, today it blows north, tomorrow it blows south. He just confuses us as to where to place him. There is an English word that is nearer to his name, that word is swishy, his talent is so far-fetched, my Speech day songs can challenge it.
Rachael K: This one was clever like Zuena, she ran away before things got worse. But she has a splendid voice and a wonderful figure but when it comes to producing music that is appeasing to the Ugandan fraternity, she’s always caught off-side.
Red Banton: Of course, Jose Chameleone was once his curtain-raiser and carried the loud speakers at his concerts. It is true, Banton really shone in his days but for this new generation, he had better accept to leave Kampala. Land in the village is lying virgin and people like Banton could become successful farmers that side.
Zari: Oh, you thought we could forget this one. From music artiste apparently, to a socialite who bribes journalists to write about her. Truth be told, the best Zari can do is perform in those karaoke pubs in Kabalagala. She can make a good artiste if she also does the singing in her bedroom or in the frog kingdom. Because of her, we know what it means when bad songs happen to bad people.
Leila Kayondo: Yeah, beauty is not music. She can make a good waitress, a masseuse and a tenth wife to S.K Mbuga. Leila is struggling in this field. However, the talent is present, by luck, she may become a real superstar, like when Juliana, Rema, Iryn Namubiru and others get problems with their voices.