By Ian Ortega
1. Wearing a mini-skirt and spend the entire day pulling it down.
2. Say all men are the same, and you wonder why they had to date all MEN
3. Saying NO when they mean YES. “Gloria do you want Pizza?” No, I am rushing for my lecture at MUBS…
4. Beeping you after sending them airtime
5. Denying their Boyfriends sex and offering it to the BF’s friend instead
6. Forgetting to come with their own sweaters on cold days, and asking for the males’ sweaters. You think for us we don’t feel cold? Bulaabe. And to make matters worse, when they take our sweaters, they never return them. Wait when we begin stealing your patras.
7. Playing with guys caps and hats and thinking it’s cool. Wait when we revenge and begin taking off your weaves and wigs and running around with them.
8. Playing so hard to get, make men chase them for months, that’s why we revenge and make you chase us when you get pregnant.
9. Detoothing a man and when payback period comes, they use the common excuse; “Ortega it’s that time of the month.” Tugambe when you were eating the money, you had no idea when that for every ‘deduction’ sorry, action, there is an equal and opposite ‘erection’, sorry reaction.
10. Dating a man 20 years their senior and calling him Baby. You fool, you mean if you breastfeed him, it makes him a baby.
11. Inviting her for a date and she turns up with her family, friends and in-laws. Nyabo, this is not a football match.
12. Applying three layers of make-up on their wrinkled faces. You MUK girl, it’s a face not a colouring book.
13. Opening legs to any man with money faster than Google opens its pages.
14. Talking of woman emancipation and failing to walk the talk. Lady do you know what that means? Emancipation means that you buy the food at home, when you go out on a date, you pay the bills, it also means that from then on, you are supposed to cater for your hair bills etc.
15. They never grow old. Once they clock 25, they stop counting their age. From then on, they begin counting only the years they have spent in the city, Wama Desire Luzinda and Judith Heard, am I lying?
16. Going for a party in high heels and when it comes to the dancing session, taking off the high heels and staying barefooted? Do you want directions to Butabika?
17. Pretending to be poor at speaking Luganda. You hear her in a taxi telling the conductor; “Conduractarrr ku rubbish, ku rubbish..” And when they take her beyond that spot, she complains, “Kyoka nagambye waali ku kasasiro e kamwokya ontadde Bukoto.” Other times, they will pretend to only know English mbu simanya “Conductor, stay-ge” and when they give her less change, she will instantly learn Luganda. “Nze mpaka ebisaatu byange, bulijjo bantwaliira lusanvu.”
18. At 20 years, she will pretend she’s not interested in dating anyone. At 22, she will pretend she only wants a white guy, at 24, she will change to any guy with money. At 25, she will change to any guy who is of her tribe. At 26, she will change to any man who comes around as long as he’s working. At 28, she will pray to God; “God, I don’t care whether he works or not, I don’t care whether he has money or not, as long as he has a stick, bring him to me.”
19. Hating their Surnames. Nakimbugwe becomes Naks. And Seya asks ‘where they grew and who grew them?’
20. Deceiving people that they stay in cool places like Naalya. Sweety, even Bwaise is a place, don’t be scared. Yes, I mean you ka-girl reading this.
21. Refusing to give out their phone numbers but when you ask to send them Mobile Money nga they jump high in the air, “ehhh Ian my number is 0788… if that fails, please send via Warid Pesa on 070…” I am certain, if money grew on trees, they would date monkeys.
22. Wanting to date successful men. You think success is sexually transmitted?
23. Pretending to be Virgins every time they are asked. Honey, swallow your pride, you can still apply for secondary or tertiary virginity.
24. Posting on their status updates; “I want real men like Ortega Ian of BigEye.ug.” Let’s be honest, real men date real girls not girls like you who have nothing real on them, fake hair, fake boobs, fake booty, fake accents.
25. She comes to visit you, then she asks for transport when she’s returning. Nyabo, am I the one who brought you?
26.Holding two phones, a blackberry for uptown and a katorch for downtown.
27. Dating a clan of men. Brian responsible for the hair department, Salim responsible for the party invites, Moses responsible for airtime and finally, Ian who acts as plan B.
28. Earning only 200K a month but living in a kololo apartment of 500K, holding a phone of one million, wearing a dress of 200K, driving a 15 million car that uses 100K fuel, spending 60K everyday. Ladies, where did you learn that Economics? Do you mind teaching it to Museveni?
29. Going to Church and praying for a man, kyoka when we hiss at them, they pretend not to have heard? Do you want a man or you want a log?
30. ADD MORE….
Due to the large volume of mail Ortega receives daily, he asks you to be patient as he replies messages on these platforms:
Email: ortian@gmail.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/ianort
Twitter: @OrtegaUganda
Whatsapp: +256788551121
“[katogoaward]”
