By Ian Ortega
1. Gynecologist
With this job, you don’t need to buy any adult-rated movies, you don’t have to surf porn-websites. Whereas other men spend money to just have a mere look on the rat, every day and night, ladies from all-over the country will keep paying to have you check out their rats. And the other thing is, no one will complain when you touch or over-look. This job will never stress you. Simply go to medical school for five years, go ahead and specialize in this field for another 4 years and you will be good to go. You can choose a marriage partner after observing the real item you are buying. A gynecologist is that person who looks for problems where other people find happiness.
2. Alcohol Chief-taster at breweries
This is another wonderful job. For those of you who trust the power of their drinking, then apply to Nile Breweries or Uganda breweries and you will be in charge of tasting the alcohol to know whether it meets the drink and ‘drunking’ standards. Normally, senior six chemistry may help you get this job. But you will earn millions as you taste and drink hundreds and hundreds of beer bottles. The only stress you will find is that you will never be sober and every female creature will always look beautiful.
3. Escorts
This job requires that you escort loaded men and women to parties and act as their girlfriends/boyfriends and get paid for that. You only have to be handsome like Ortega (for the men) and beautiful like Sharon O (for the ladies). You will then dress to your best, escort these people to red-carpet events and pretend to be a couple. At the end of the day, you get paid and you head back home. Everything is footed by the person you escort. Begin your escort company today and you will be enjoying life while earning money.
4. Video-Game Reviewer
Here, you will just play video games like the famous Ugandan bachelor aka Fat Boy and narrate your experience. You then get paid for playing a video game and writing about it. You can do this job while taking milk wearing your boxer shorts with your bare-chest. No problem at all.
5. Ugandan Presidential Advisor
Honestly, I would like to have this job. Because, the Ugandan president never takes advice, he is the alpha and omega of wisdom. He is what is, what was and what shall be. You only have to turn up at State House, open up your computer (actually your secretary does this) then go ahead to surf the internet and collect your salary after 30 days. But remember to praise him, that’s the only stressing factor. It’s like praising a very ugly girl before your male friends.
6. Porn Actor/ Prostitution
Now this was suggested by the male Facebook fraternity of BigEye.ug. They definitely think there is no stress in doing things that are always on every man’s mind every now and then. To apply for this job, you must have a Golola Moses body (for the males) and yes, something about you must be enticing (for the females). For starters, all these are illegal. The jobs are already trending in Uganda with the Ugandan Porn Industry earning more in profits that the normal movie industry. And for the others, a job at Speke Road can make you land on your own David Greenhalgh and you come out as Bad Black.
7. Pastor
Don’t deny it; this is one of the easiest job to do. All you have to do is check out for all the Bible verses that have something to do with blessings, money, health and healing plus punishment for one’s enemies. Then begin to preach in church with an electrifying voice; “Brethren, I don’t know if you see what I see, but Gad (read God) has shown me, that before I even finish speaking this word, your financial situation will have changed, shout Amen if you know what I am saying.” And you don’t even have to pay taxes, you have beautiful girls in church yearning for you, you can even anoint their G-spots and better still, you can tell them to pay for anything.
8. Ugandan Politician
If you have a big mouth, an audible voice and enough stupidity, then this job won’t stress you. Just come with lots of words, convince them of Heaven when you can’t even deliver hell. Let them vote you into power and keep quiet for the rest of your term in office. Politics is the only job where your IQ doesn’t matter, your stupidity does.
9. Masseuse
Now this is another wonderful job, all you have to do is lie down on people and begin massaging their bodies. If you are a man massaging a hot girl, you won’t even get tired at all. No stress, just rubbing your hands and acting silly. You don’t have to go to school to be a masseuse in Uganda, if you’ve ever rubbed anything, then you are good to go.
10. Ugandan Lecturer
We got this right, the only time the job was going to stress these fools was when the president directed them to go and rear goats. But on second thought, the students themselves are the goats. At least they even take their female students’ goats. When you are a lecturer, you can never be broke. You only have to go to google, pick information and print it out then come to the lecture room and read out for the goats (read students). After that, give an assignment over anything that appeases you. When you feel stressed, you can always get a break by going on strike over salary increments.
Now that you know the best jobs in Uganda that won’t stress you, why are you still stuck in a job that’s stressing you? How do you even get to complain about your boss when such jobs exist?
To connect with Ian Ortega
Email: [email protected]
Twitter: @OrtegaUganda
Mobile: +256788551121
Facebook: www.facebook.com/ianort