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Letter to Kleith Kyatuhaire: You Don’t Owe Us No Apology

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Kleith Kyatuhaire

By Ian Ortega

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Dear Kleith Kyatuhaire,

You are a youth and I deeply care about young people. Not many get the privilege of getting a letter from Uganda’s most influential young person (hahaha). Yes, the fact that one works for www.bigeye.ug puts them in that rare class of influential Ugandans. With that background, it gives me the right to lecture you on all things life, tits and nudes.

See I haven’t even viewed your nudes. I know in the next days, you are going to walk through places imagining that everyone looking at you is connecting your nudes to you. Of course your nudes didn’t break the internet which is pretty sad. I think you need to give heart to everything you do. If you choose to do something, do it like your life depends on it. If you choose to become a serial murderer, be the best serial murderer in the world. Life happens at the extremes. Next time you choose to take nudes, take them like your life depends on it. I am only annoyed at you because you didn’t give those nudes 110% of your effort. If you choose to do anything in this world going forward, do it whole heartedly. Jump in with both feet. That’s number one lesson.

Secondly you may be feeling like you shouldn’t have taken those nudes. And that explains why you apologized to us. For goodness sake, why? Why did you have to apologize? Great people do not apologize for their flaws. That’s why you ought to come and intern at www.bigeye.ug, you will learn that apologies belong to mortals not to great ones. Show me a single person who is great and I will show you a person who constantly validates flaws in their personality traits. Who in the first place dictates what’s moral and what’s not? Morality is subjective. Many years ago, our great grandfathers wouldn’t have cared an inch about your nudity. You should read the evolution of clothes. Awaken my dear. You are the last person I expect to subscribe to group think. As a creative, you ought to be enlightened about some of those things. That’s the second lesson.

Third lesson is that you ought to learn a few lessons in public relations. Silence is the first pre-requisite in public relations. You ought to keep people guessing. Every time you speak, you give your enemies a chance to know your next step. What I expected from you after the nudes wasn’t an apology but an advert for your Style Project which I hear has failed to make a breakthrough. Your Style Project needed to ride on this storm. Some people are drowned by waves, others surf those waves. You should have utilized this free marketing offered by the people who leaked your nudes. Hun, it seems I have lots to teach you.

Kyatuhaire, if your nudes embarrasses your family, that’s their problem, not yours; continue creating. By the way, did I tell you that for artists, the naked human body is the greatest form of art and that no great painter, sculptor ever lived unless they ventured into this field. Please own your nudes. It is your art. You represent millions who everyday would love to let go of their clothes but are scared. You should become a nudist – an activist for nudism. The world needs to experience that rare freedom that comes from stripping ourselves bare. Which brings us to our next lesson. Before you can attain true greatness in this world, you ought to strip yourself bare. Please go read and watch the counter-culture revolution in America and see the life that happened in the late sixties and early seventies and all things that sprang from that period.

Finally, if you remember only one thing from this letter. Your youth is the time to embarrass yourself. Commit as many mistakes as you can. You won’t have the same privileges when you are older. Back where I come from, we believe in the adage of fail faster and fail more often. It’s time for you to explore your dark side in your youth. Your mistakes are yours to learn from. However, since I am a better thinker than you are, I will let you on another little secret. They say, we all learn from mistakes but hey, they don’t have to be our own. Please please, don’t let your nudes get you hiding out the best parts of you. Don’t let the nudes stop you from creating other great things. Don’t let your nudes make you become closeted.

When I was growing up, I learned about the great HYDRA. That mysterious greek mythology creature that has many heads. When you cut off one of the heads, two heads grow in place of the one cut off. Heracles the great hero found a hard time killing the Hydra. I know you have not learned about these great things in your education. That’s the opportunity cost of studying in Uganda. But the lesson from Hydra is that you should become Anti-Fragile. Mould yourself into a person who gains from randomness, stressors, volatile situations rather than gets hurt from them. You should get even much stronger from your nudes. And I expect that at a not so long time into the future, you will hire a professional photographer and take much better nudes. Nudes where you give it all your heart. Nudes that will get future generations in awe at how great an artist you are.

All the best little one.

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StarTimes to give out 23,000,000ugx in first ever obstacle course competition

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StarTimes has today launched Uganda’s first ever obstacle course challenge competition. Today in press conference at Arirang restaurant, the Pay-TV service operator reaffirmed it’s commitment to providing subscribers with the best of compelling content.

The competition dubbed Hisense Challengers Uganda is a sports entertainment competition show which will be held at Mandela National Stadium. It will feature hundreds of competitors attempting to complete a series of obstacle courses of increasing difficulty for a cash prize of $6000, about 23,000,000ugx.

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Each competitor is expected to overcome various physical obstacles in form of stepping stones, rope climbing, balancing bridge, bowling, sack racing and a lot more. The winners innthe group stages will automatically qualify for the finals. Being the first sports entertainment competition program in Uganda for both sexes, StarTimes seeks to provide fair platform to let all participate on common ground for the ultimate prize. The competition will be premiered on the StarTimes sports channel in July.

To participate, one must download the StarTimes Mobile App click on the challengers Uganda banner post and follow prompt to register from May 2th.

StarTimes is the leading digital TV operator in Africa serving nearly 20 million users with signal covering the entire Continent and a massive distribution network of 200 brand halls, 3000 convenience stores and 5,000 distributers

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Pointed Nipple Trend Back in Ugandan Fashion

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By Staff Writer

We had the cleavage era, we had the pantyless era, we are glad to announce that the Pointed Nipple era is back and trending.

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Speaking to people, it is time for ladies to give their nipples some space. It is time to let go of the bra and empower the boob.

So just in case you see ladies walk by with pointed nipples, don’t over stare, the trend is back. And it is fully endorsed by the Uganda Boyfriends Association

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Meet Nabongo, the Ugandan Girl Who Has Been to Every Country In The World

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By Staff Writer

She is not a slay queen, that is why you may not know her. But she will be the first person in the world to have visited every country in every continent.

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Jessica Nabongo is an American born Ugandan travel influencer who has been to 170 countries out of the 193 recognized by United Nations. She is left with 25 countries to go and all these she hopes to visit by end of 2019.

In North Korea for example, she could not travel on an American passport and had to use her Ugandan passport to gain entry. She is daring but above all, she is proof that the world is your oyster.

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