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LETTER TO GOLOLA MOSES OF UGANDA

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By Pablo Yagayo

Dear Golola,

Congratulations upon defending your title as the East and Central African kickboxing champion after defeating Afande Titus Tugume, aka Hard Rock.

That fight was a manifestation that indeed your claims that you shop your groceries in a hardware shop are true. You must have drunk a jug of cement solution, nail pudding and munched some iron bars as dessert before storming the ring at Freedom City.

Rumour making the rounds in the corridors has it that after the fight that night, Tugume’s boss in the armed forces woke him up the next morning and asked him to mention his army number and he replied: “G.O.L.O.L.A M.O.S.E.S.”

You will be remembered in history, like your namesake the biblical Moses who broke all the Ten Commandments at once, as the only man who broke a hard rock with just a blow. Sports analysts believe that your punch weighed heavier than ten bags of cement and was as firm as a base beam.

I was told that your surname Golola in Luganda means “iron,” or “straighten” whereas in Lusoga it means, “go.” Basically you ironed, straightened and let go of your opponent with a knockout.

By the way, not everybody was excited about your victory. I met some boda boda cyclists arguing that Tugume must have been given large sums of money to be hammered and so it was just a gimmick to bring you back to the limelight. I don’t think a normal human being can accept to receive such a punch for the sake of money no matter the amount.

You very well know that this isn’t the first time they doubt your victory. It’s the same thing they alleged when you thumped a Sudanese Dinka, Abdul Qadia Rahim. They said he was never a kickboxer but a bus conductor from Arua park. Don’t allow such people to jeopardise your determination. All they are saying is just an opinion and as you very well know, an opinion is like a nose, everybody has one; it’s the size that differs.

Just asking, do you by any chance know where the coffin that was procured and paraded before the media as your final destination was hidden? Fate has a weird sense of humour. We need to put that coffin in the museum to remind us of a man who defied death and almost buried the procurement officer in it. I hope it’s not on sale somewhere at a serious discount since it’s now a muvumba (second hand) product.

My only concern at the moment is that we can’t handle the pain of paying at the gate and before you even locate a seat, you hear that the match has ended. It has happened twice now; first the Sudanese Dinka and now Afande Titus Tugume.

Next time, if you are sure that you are going to finish your opponent within a fraction of a second, please inform us in advance so that we spend the night at the venue like the Uganda Martyrs pilgrims. Also consider the referee’s job security. The man was paid to work; so, allow him some time to exhibit his skills lest they reduce his pay.

I tried calling your cell phone number but the lady kept saying that the call can’t go through because you had hung your clothes on the line. Since you claim to be the only man who can pocket while naked, you must have been somewhere naked and pocketing as you wait for the clothes to dry.

I don’t know if you like music but allow me to end by dedicating a few songs to you. The first is Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas, with emphasis on the chorus: “Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting, Those kicks were fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, But they fought with expert timing.”

The second is Coccodiosis by Bebe Cool, which goes: “I gat no time to play no game, Tomalira budde” and yes, Gangnam Style by PSY.

Yours in punches,
Pablo.

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Celebrity Gossip

We have rehearsed hard and want to give our best on our first time here in Uganda, says American RnB star Mya

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Mya

By Our Reporter

American R&B star Mya has for over two decades charmed music lovers, etching her mark as a true princess of R&B all over the world.

The superstar who arrived in the country on Wednesday night was ecstatic about being in Uganda for the very first time as she addressed media during a press briefing, promising to deliver her very best this Saturday at the Johnnie Walker All Music Safari.

“I am very happy about performing and being in the motherland,” the soft-spoken artist declared during the press conference held at Mestil Hotel, Nsambya, on Thursday morning. “We have been rehearsing hard and want to give our best on our first time here in Uganda.”

She expressed her excitement for being in Uganda for the first time while also appreciating the friendliness and good spirits of those she had met ever since landing in the country.

“I can’t wait to share with you all what we have been working on— from the classics, to the hit records as well as the brand new music,” she added.

The internationally acclaimed American artist, Mýa has produced several hits that leave the soul yearning for more coming from its timeless nature with songs like Take Me There, Case of the Ex and Girls Dem Sugar that have achieved the status of timeless classics. She attributed her success to the support and effort that comes from a working with a great team with a limitless mindset to life and the world in general.

She will be sharing the stage with homegrown talents like Myko Ouma, Kenneth Mugabi and Joseph Sax amongst many others as Jazz Safari founder Tshaka Mayanja marks his 30th anniversary in the music business, a proud milestone he has achieved that has earned him respect and recognition amongst many.

Tickets to the show go for UGX300,000 Platinum/VIP tickets. Regular tickets will cost UGX100,000.

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John Blaq set for debut concert tomorrow

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By Stuart G-Khast

John Blaq is with no doubt one if not the finest musician this year. His consistence with chart topping music for two straight years cannot go unnoticed. His catchy beats, lyrics and unique vocals gave him an edge in the industry.

While he has proven all the above on the airwaves, tomorrow will be the real test as he hold his maiden concert at Freedom City in A concert dubbed “Aya Baasi”

While speaking to journalists, the “Do Dat” hitmaker said he was going to perform live throughout the show and the fans should expect the best from him.

 “I will perform live. Nothing like singing on CDs. Expect a John Blaq you have never seen,” he promised.

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Fresh Kid tops his class in Third Term Exams

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By Staff Writer
Although he spends most of his time at concerts, this has not stopped Fresh Kid from beating his fellow classmates at Kampala Parents.

At the end of Third Term academic assembly, Fresh Kid was announced as an academic giant having topped his stream.

We have learned that Fresh Daddy is the person behind this academic excellence. “Fresh Daddy ensures that Fresh Kid completes all his homework without fail, he reviews all his school books,”said a source at the school.

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