By Ian Ortega
Disclaimer: whatever the writer is putting across should be taken as pure fiction, even though most of what is written below is already happening at UCU, none of it should be believed. Believe it at your own risk.
So we get to our 10 things that make UCU a secondary school. It’s only in UCU:
1. Where being above 18 does not entitle you to sex. In UCU, we don’t believe in YOLO, we believe in SRSA-Secondary School rules still apply. Do you remember that girl who was expelled for having sex in the middle of Namanve in her boyfriend’s car?
2. Where you can be expelled for dodging lectures and everyone does compulsory Bible course-units every semester.
3. Where striking is unheard of. We only get to strike when the Reverend comes late for the Sunday Service, or when the Bibles are not enough for everyone.
4. Where you can be suspended for losing your friend’s pencil or eraser.
5. Where you ask for permission before moving out of the lecture room for a short-call. A fat girl goes to the front, bends a bit before the lecturer saying; “excuse me sir/madam may i go out…”
6. Where morning assemblies are held to check those with long hair, long finger nails, bad breath and those who are not tucking in their shirts.
7. Where leggings and mini-skirts are illegal
8. Where students are supposed to report with their parents on the first day and getting a retake earns you canes from the head of department.
9. Where students have visitation days and that’s the only moment their Sugar daddies can come for them.
10. Speaking vernacular will earn you a heavy punishment
11. Girl-boy relationships are not allowed except in a few cases when one is wet-dreaming.
12. Where there is general cleaning and academic assemblies and the headmaster comes to address the students
13. Where instead of Guild presidents, they have headboys and headgirls and Sanitary prefect, food prefect etc.
14. Where you are supposed to cover your books with the UCU cover which is bought from the canteen.
15. Where they pay school fees instead of Tuition.
16. Where a teacher calls you from the back: “Ortega why are you making noise, come and sit between these two girls and if you make noise again, you will go and kneel down on the floor.”
17. Where lecturers roll-call and punish those who dodge lecturers. Lecturer aka teacher be like “Ian…” and poor Ian shouts back: “I am pulesenti sir.”
18. ADD MORE………………
To connect with Ian Ortega
Email: ortian@gmail.com
Phone: +256788551121
Twitter: @OrtegaUganda
Facebook: www.facebook.com/ianort
