By Ian Ortega
Hey there, it’s your selfie coach once again. Today, you are going to learn about taking a Ugandan Selfie. A selfie is that close-up shot you take of yourself when you are sad, lonely, happy or even Giggly? Yes, a selfie is what you take when you would rather fantasize about your dreams than live in your reality.
So without much further ado, here’s how to take a Ugandan Selfie:
1. First of all, get bored, get so bored about your life, then begin to plan on how to deceive bored freaks on the other side about your life.
2. Take out your phone camera and begin to take various shots.
3. Observe the different photos you’ve taken and pick out the one that doesn’t make you look ugly like you are in real life.
4. Go to instagram and try out the different effects.
5. Choose the best effect and upload to Facebook with a great caption like; “Me Love my life.”
6. Begin to wait for LIKES and COMMENTS and SHARES.
7. Flirt with those complimenting you about your photo and delete every negative comment.
8. Feel like a celeb, then come back to your boring real life.
9. Repeat the process
It is advised that you take a selfie while doing something interesting or meeting some great person. For example, if you are a girl, taking a selfie with a caption; “Just bumped into Prince Ortega” will see your ratings go high. Yes, Ortega is handsome, you all know that.
Alternatively, take a photo of your left-over rice or chips you bought at the road side or ice cream you bought in the taxi park and pose around. Finally, get a car to pose around and caption it; “Living my dreams.”
Just in case you get no LIKES, kindly delete the photo. If not, tag some people so they can LIKE the photo. If that fails, inbox them and ask them to check out your timeline.
After the few minutes of fame, lie on your bed and fantasize about your dreams which don’t seem like they will ever come true.
And if you’ve watched Fight Club, of course, you will then remember this quote:
“Man, I see in fight club the strongest and smartest men who’ve ever lived. I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy sh-t we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war… our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.”
Yes, slowly you will learn the fact that you have no life, that you are some pawn on a chess board, that your life is boring. Otherwise, if it was so interesting, you wouldn’t have the time for Facebook, or the time to take a selfie, because you would be so busy enjoying your life.
If you may please excuse me, I am off to take a selfie; “Just bumped into the Ugandan Lupita Nyong’o aka Hellen Lukoma.”
For more lessons on how to take selfies, LIKE www.facebook.com/ortegaiancom
