By Our Reporter

For a long time, I held Kenyan Women in high esteem. They were my unicorns. Because back in the days, Kenya was the country that seemed like the Heaven of East Africa. It’s not until I begun to travel to Kenya and stayed over for longer periods that it suddenly hit me how Kenyan women were wildebeests in disguise. Now that the Huddah Munroe bubble has also been burst, the Vera Sidika bubble too was poked with a needle, with these taken out of the pile, I wonder if there’s anything more Kenya has to offer as far as women are concerned. I have since then come to a conclusion, backed by findings from the laboratory of social life which is experience. Here’s why Ugandan Women are far better than Kenyan Women.

1. Kenyan Women Are Ugly
A wise man once said, that there’s no ugly woman, only lazy ones. Yet when you look at all the effort that Kenyan women put in trying to be beautiful, it’s amazing that they are still ugly. With all the buckets of make-up they apply on their faces, we are shocked that that the most beautiful Kenyan woman doesn’t come close to an average Ugandan woman. Show me a Vera Sidika or a Huddah Munroe, and I will show you thousands of Ugandan girls who are far more beautiful, and devoid of plastic or fake body parts.

2. Kenyan Women Have Taken Obesity To Another Scale
Unlike in Uganda where our Nyama Choma has matooke, in Kenya, it’s always Ugali. This explains why Kenyan women have grown fat at a rate that’s alarming. Sit in a matatu while in Nairobi and you will be gasping for fresh air because of the space that’s always taken up by its obese women. In Uganda, when girls grow fat, it’s always aimed at enhancing their booties, boobs and hips. In Kenya, it’s undirected fatness. The fingers are big, the cheeks are big, the lips are wide and big, in summary-the average Kenyan woman looks like a swelling wildebeest. Whereas a normal Ugandan girl’s figure is compared to an hour glass, a Kenyan woman’s body figure is like a 2 litre soda bottle.

3. Truth be told, sex with Kenyan Women Sucks, Should Be Avoided
I thank God that I was born Ugandan and not Kenyan; above all, I thank God that I don’t have to wake up every day with no choice but to have sex with a Kenyan Woman. The Kenyan Government should levy a special tax on all Kenyan Women; this money should be used to give every Kenyan player a monthly salary for the hard work in having sex with Kenyan women. Having sex with a Kenyan woman is not a fun activity; it shouldn’t even be called romance or making love. There’s nothing fun about sex with a Kenyan woman, it’s real torture. Now I know why Kenyan men would rather have sex with donkeys, cows and chicken than with their women, it’s a much better deal. Why does sex with Kenyan women suck? Because they dry!!! The average Kenyan woman is like a Kalahari Desert. So Kenyan men have always reported penile fractures, bruises, all from the too much friction from sex with their women.

4. The Drug Epidemic of Kenyan Women is at an all-time high
While Ugandan women cook like their mothers, Kenyan women drink like their fathers. Not just those, most Kenyan women are moving chimneys. The only way to sustain a Kenyan woman at home is to stock all kinds of cigarettes, shisha and narcotics.

5. Kenyan Women are Violent, Spoilt by Feminism
When CNN referred to Kenya as a hotbed of terror, it intended to refer to Kenyan Women; it’s a mistake they realized later. Kenyan women are the kind that will kick, punch, slap, and dominate their men. Kenyan men have been relegated to speaking with soprano voices while the Kenyan women walk around wearing the pants in relationships.

6. Kenyan Women are a Fashion Disaster
Go to Nairobi; pick the best dressed Kenyan women. Come to Kampala, pick the worst dressed Ugandan women and you will soon realize the fashion disaster that is Kenyan women. You read Ugandan fashion magazines and blogs for tips on how to dress well, you read fashion recommendations from Kenyan blogs and magazines to find out which fashion disasters to avoid. You spot a Kenyan woman, and will be wondering which designer she’s wearing, only to find out that she got the curtain from her home windows and took it to the tailor to create a dress. The Kenyan Blankets and Wine event is a horror event, the Ugandan version is like the Paris Fashion week.

7. Nothing is as rare as love from a Kenyan Woman
Factor in the moral inflation figures, Kenyan women have not been taught to love neither have they experienced what it means to give out love. It’s easier to find a heart-broken Kenyan man than one who can comfortably praise his woman for her love. The only reason why Ugandan women end up taking all the Kenyan men is because love from Ugandan women is still pure, it’s undefiled by standards. At least in Uganda, a woman will appreciate when a man goes out of his way to provide for her. Kenyan women have this deeply embedded self-entitlement. In Kenya men are not boyfriends or husbands anymore but sponsors.

8. The IQ levels of Kenyan Women are really lacking
It’s much easier to hold an intellectual conversation with a Ugandan woman than a Kenyan woman. If you compare the most searched things on Google between a Kenyan and a Ugandan woman, you will be shocked. For the same query, a Kenyan woman will write a 20 long sentence; “Dear Google, kwani I be wondering, how do I cook good Ugali for my Kisii boyfriend and also make sure he finishes the food.” A Ugandan woman will instead write; “Best Recipes for Chicken Biryani.” While the average Ugandan woman knows a thing or two about philosophers such as Marcus Aurelius, Kenyan women are more troubled by the meaning of Eric Omondi’s jokes.

9. Kenyan Women are the worst road drivers
Time and again, you will see photos on Facebook of Kenyan women drivers doing the most unexpected of things. They are the kind of drivers who will never look into their side mirrors; they are the kind that has no idea about checking on the oil and water levels of a car. A Ugandan woman is comfortable driving a stick-shaft, for a Kenyan woman, it’s automatic all the way.

10. Married Kenyan Women have abandoned their roles as wives
In Kenya, the maids do all the work. The maids cook the food, the maids sing the husbands to sleep, the maids breastfeed the children. Nothing is as replaceable as a Kenyan wife. In Uganda, once one gets a wife, the wife will wake up early in the morning, make breakfast for the husband, and prepare the children for school. She will then do some house management and head to work. At 5pm strictly, a Ugandan woman will rush home, prepare a meal for the husband, and later on take a shower and show up in the best lingerie for her man. In Kenya, forget all that, a woman will come back from work in the wee hours of the night while reeking of alcohol. She will then command her man to push up to his side of the bed, without showering, the Kenyan woman will get into the bed, wake up, rush to work without doing any chore at home. Apparently, putting a ring on a Kenyan woman is a massive waste of time, there’s no return on investment.

Till next time, follow us on Twitter: @bigeyeug we shall soon be releasing “10 Reasons why Ugandan Men are Better than Kenyan Men.”

By Our Reporter

Some of the stuff may not sit well with some people because it may be adversely mentioning them. I advise you dont read the nonsense if you are sensitive:). We hope somebody soon crafts a foolproof guide to Ugandan men soon.

Foolproof guide to Ugandan women. Enjoy…!?

1) Alice the Alcoholic.

Most of her Facebook statuses are about how she is going to get wasted, got wasted, or missed work coz she slept till midday on a Tuesday. Proudly says how she has a whisky (this lot have long ago graduated to serious drinks not these ma-blackices) gin and tonic or tequila with her lunch. Buys her own drinks, has a nice job, 3 ton chip on her shoulder.

Chances of being a good wife or girlfriend…nil.

2) Betty the Bitter Single Mum.

At every table, in every bar or restaurant in this country, there is a bitter single mum. She casually calls the father of her kid ‘bastard’ and has man issues that would make FIDAs most male bashing lawyer look like a geisha. Men are dogs, she says. Then spends the rest of the night whining how Ugandan men are too insecure they cant date a single mum.

Date-ability depends on how bad her bitterness is.

3) Cathy the Cougar

She may be a feisty Mbarara wife, or a shrubbing farmer from Ntungamo, but increasingly Uganda’s dating scene is becoming the hunting ground for old women with money to burn on young men. Dont be fooled. She only wants you for your body. You aren’t allowed to shag anyone else and must be at her beck and call. If at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday she calls you up and tells you to meet her…you move your f–king A$ chap chap.

Your mum would have a heart attack if she found out you are doing her. Your bank manager would have a heart attack if you stopped doing her.

If you manage to rock her world, she will ask you to marry her. Good luck having any respect in society.

4) Dorothy the Divorcee

Her ex-husband shagged anything in a skirt. Now she is in the market earnestly trying to show him up. Prefers more mature and working men. Your future prospects depend on how much one man’s trash can really be another man’s treasure.

5) Emma Evil

Mean, rude, stingy and unfortunately gorgeous as hell. Knows she is beautiful and thinks that gives her carte blanche to do whatever she likes. Has no concept of guilt or remorse. You wouldnt be surprised if you found a human skull and occult paraphanelia in her wardrobe.

6) Fifi the Freak

She certainly is very…ahem…popular. Goes home with a different guy every Friday and you know at least seven of your pals whom she has been with.

Boss, stay away from this chick, unless you dont mind getting rashes in personal places.

7) Gladys goody-two-shoes.

Every sentence has one of these words; “church, pastor, Bible, salvation, sin, holy, no.” She is the girl with the ankle length skirts, Bible in her handbag, who won’t meet you in a bar coz its a sin, goes for prayer meetings every night and carries anointing oil with her.

Unless you are actually a committed christian man looking for a wife, stay away from her or risk being struck by lightening.

8) Harriet the Hustler

We all know at least one chick like this. She is always on her phone, talking in machine-gun speed vernacular doing deals about plots, chicken or farm produce. Can sell you anything you want from a car to a tractor to a sack of potatoes in Kabale. Just give her five minutes and some airtime.

Annoying as girlfriends but this lot make better wives, as long as you know that while cheating is forgiveable, losing her money is not.

9)Immaculate, who is anything but immaculate.

Spent her early 20s living it up, being shagged by politicians and musicians. Now in her late 20s/early 30s she is turning a new leaf and is looking for a husband. She has changed all her friends, uses her middle name so that her former identity doesn’t get discovered, joined a conservative church and is practicing secondary virginity.

We all have a past, so if you are a mature and forgiving, understanding man…date her. But most men are shallow hypocrites who run for the hills when they find out she was once sexetary to the cabinet.

10) Jane the Joker

28 years old. No job. No income. Lives with her parents. Didn’t finish University, is always doing some weird short courses. Has no drive but drives a souped up car. Thinks daddy will always be there to provide.

Wants a rich man to make her his housewife. Doesn’t cook, clean or talk to poor people.

11) Kate from Fort Portal

Snobbery in designer jeans. Kate only mixes within ‘her social class’. Prefers Twitter to Facebook and tells you to your face that she rejected your friend request “coz we just work together, I mean, its not like we are friend friends. But we can still do email.” Your car must be German, clothes Italian and she will not show up if the restaurant isn’t Japanese or Turkish.

Date her if you are old money. You may get away with being new money so long as its a lot of new money.

12) Laura Loud-Mouth

Gossips like a fishmonger’s wife. Everything and aything you tell her will soon be public knowledge. Has a loud annoying voice, loud annoying laugh and only an idiot would date her let alone marry her. Has no real friends, loves being the centre of attention and conversation. Is a pathological liar.

13) Moody Molly

One minute she is all rainbows and butterflies, the next she is a tsunami of anger and tears. Her extreme mood swings scare you and you instinctively move back slightly if she has a knife, even if its a bread knife in a restaurant.

14) Nelly the clingy Nag

She calls you at 6 to say good morning. At 8 to find out if you got to work okay. Sends you three texts, writes on your wall and calls you twice before lunch. She always wants to be with you and gives you annoying pet names. Goes ballistic or naggy when you say you cant see her.

15) Sally Shagzmodo

‘Wow djon, ndhis is a ravry les-toe-lant.’ Hotter than a Somalia summer, you try and ignore the mother tongue interference, accent and weird perfume. You focus on the hourglass figure, flawless skin and hope to heaven that she wont ask the waiter if she can have some ugali rather than spaghetti with her meatballs.

16) Tanya Too-Good-To-Be-True

She cooks like a chef, has a hot figure, sharp mind and good sense of humour. She loves football and rugby, your boys like her, your family adores her and ever since you met her your life has been perfect. Extensive background checks have revealed nothing untoward about her past, she comes from a good-normal family, is loving and will make a great wife and mother.

Run. This chick will sacrifice you to some idol somewhere in Mabira forest.

17) Vivian the Virgin

After being in single school all through high school and university, Vivian has decided she now wants to taste the forbidden fruit. But only if you are going to marry her. As in, you have met her parents and started brideprice negotiations.

She talks about marriage on the first date.

18) Wendy the Wannabe

Wendy name drops, has Facebook pictures of her with famous people and is constantly looking for the next celebrity event or club opening. Within two minutes of meeting you she has already asked what you drive,where you live and where you work. If you answer you don’t have a car, live in Kikumi Kikumi and are tarmacking she will sneer, despite the fact that all three are true for her as well.

19) Yasmin

Yasmin is a Muslim. She may even wear a buibui. But when she comes over to your house she drinks alcohol and eats pork. No pun intended. Okay, pun intended. She wont be seen with you in public and if her dad finds out an infidel has taken the fidelity of his daughter there will be a fatwa and jihad on your A$.

Marrying her means changing religions.

20) Zipporah the rasta

Listens exclusively to Bobi Wine, knows every matatu on their home route down to the specifications of the music system. When you suggest watching Karate Kid at the cinema she tells you not to waste 15K, you can get a dvd of it for 1 bob, buy some nyama and napoleon brandy and watch it at home.

You dont know whether to be happy or sad.

By Young Ti

(1). When you call a lady for the eleventh consecutive time and she doesn’t pick up nor return your calls, there is a high chance that maybe her phone is on silent mode..You shall continue calling her so that the screen of her phone produces so much light that hopefully will produce sound.

(2) If you send her many texts and she doesn’t reply to any, be it a normal text message or whatsapp, continue sending some more texts. We believe that she is so smitten by our poetry that she struggles to find words to reply back for she is not as creative as us.

(3). If you ask a girl out on a date and she tells you she’ll inform you when she is free; a day might pass, a week might pass, a month might pass, a year might pass but nevertheless keep believing that she is still looking for that day that she has free time for you are a man who is not to be given a mere 2 hours.

(4). If you spot the girl you like with another man, or uploading a picture of her and another man kissing… until a DNA test is carried out, you will always assume that the man is her brother or her cousin. This assumption shall assist you to continue calling her regardless.

(5). When a lady rejects your advances, never abuse her back. This is because she was merely playing hard to get as they usually do. Thou shall continue pursuing her with even more vigor, relentlessly until she dies because if she only blocks you, you should not give up as she just wanted to know how far you are willing to pursue her pelvic areas. Women love creative men, that’s why if she blocks you, thou shall buy another line or open another facebook account and continue with the assault.