By Ian Ortega
This article was written out of pure anger, the guys from the diaspora have stolen our ladies yet they spend days cleaning lavatories and changing diapers of aged people back there. So here’s how to identify which country a Ugandan from the diaspora is working or living in.
1. South-Africa
These ones drive the best cars when they get back home. Evidence is SK Mbuga, Zari and Ivan Ssemwanga. However, it should be noted that they drive duplicates of the sleek cars because in South Africa, one can get a car that is an exact replica of a hummer, though it’s never a hummer. When you see a guy driving a very expensive car, partying every day and struggling to date a female or male celeb of sorts, then that Ugandan is from South Africa.
2. America
These ones know the secrets of Real Estate so when they get back home, their first mission is building a super mansion. Wherever you see one of those castles, rest assured that Ugandan does his Kyeyo in America. The American dream starts with a nice home and they all learn this while on Kyeyo. In addition to houses, these guys have no sense of fashion, they dress up in over-sized suits, funny shoes and they are always shabby, not forgetting their accents.
3. UK
These ones want to show that they know it all, they over poke their nose in everything. They are the ones who are ever protesting whenever the president visits UK. They have maximum ‘lugezigezi’. Unlike their US counterparts, these ones have an eye for great fashion. They are fans of blackberry phones. Some of them call themselves music promoters and DJs, so don’t be surprised when they come back home and refer to themselves as DJ ERYCOM.
4. DUBAI
Most of these ladies in Dubai are prostitutes, and most of the men are security guards. They always deceive girls on Facebook that they are from USA and only go to Dubai for shopping. These fools enjoy splashing money, they will splash money on everything just to prove a point. When it comes to the time of boarding back, they will borrow money for the plane ticket and the cycle continues.
5. Japan
Most of these ones loiter around Katwe, that’s where they have their shops, others have their shops along Kampala road and Kiseka market. However, they have miserable looks. These guys can never convince you that they’re from Japan judging from their facial appearance until they splash some money. They always get married to Japanese women and Uganda becomes another of their short Holiday spots.
6. Malaysia
These ones are fanatics of Network marketing companies, every new week they will introduce you to a network marketing opportunity. They keep talking about money but you never see this money.
7. Sweden
These are very frugal. They will bargain as they board a bodaboda, they are shy, they have no swag. You should never host them in your home because they will drill you dry and go back without leaving you a coin. They never bring anything home on their way back. They are not worth having for friends.
8. China
“Fake” yes, don’t expect to find anything original about them. Fake clothes, they hold fake phones, they even have fake ATM cards and fake business deals. They have begun opening up shops along Kampala road.
9. Norway
These ones always swear never to return home. The moment they leave, that’s the last time you will ever see them. They begin new families in Norway. They don’t care about what happens home, Norway is home to them.
10. Denmark
They enjoy being in the limelight. They will make sure everyone notices them. They keep uploading photos on Facebook, they will even try to begin up some beef with Ortega just to prove a point.
11. Netherlands
Talk of cocaine, Marijuana, talk of the Ugandans who live in Netherlands. Most of them have dreadlocks and rarely take showers when they are back home.
12. Finland
They always do door to door selling of Nokia phones. That’s the only thing they bring back home. If you want a phone whose battery lasts longer than most relationships, befriend these people.
To connect with Ortega
Email: ortian@gmail.com
Phone/Whatsapp: +256788551121
Twitter: @OrtegaUganda
Facebook: www.facebook.com/ianort
