By Ian Ortega
There are all sorts of passengers in a Ugandan taxi, but once in a while, you will meet each of these types that we describe here. Who are they? How do they act? These are the 20 Types of People You will meet in a Ugandan Taxi.
1. The Preacher
There’s always that awkward born-again Christian that just decides to preach to you, tell you how hell fire is going to burn you up. He or She will speak with a rare kind of passion, that you are almost tempted to shut him up. They usually take the middle seats so they can preach to everyone wide and far.
2. The Peeping Tom
This is the type that will be looking at everything you are typing on your phone. If you have a newspaper, they will be reading it together with you. You may want to even slap them and ask them to buy their own newspapers. They will even peep while you type that WhatsApp message. They will watch every video that’s playing on your phone.
3. The Taxi Conductor without Change
These ones are the most annoying. It doesn’t matter, even if it’s 5K, they will always claim they don’t have change. Like fool, who else should have change if not you? They will make it a point once at a petrol station to ask whoever has big sums of money to forward it so they can get the change. But still, they will wait till you are getting off the taxi to remember to give you change.
4. The Businessman cracking loud deals
You know those wannabe businessmen who answer their phone calls on loud speakers. You hear them talk of million after million. They will keep mentioning those large sums of money. They usually have kikiga accents. “Hati, orinkaaha million mushanju na kanana…” What the hell? Can’t you just take off that Techno loud-speaker? They will always do this in the presence of a hot girl by their side.
5. The Guy/Lady Who Always Wants To Pay Less
You know most taxi touts are always saying; “wojikoyeera lukuumu mubitaano.” But there is always that one weird fellow who will pretend not to have heard this. When the taxi reaches Kireka, the guy will jolt out and give the conductor 1K claiming that’s what they agreed upon. Like you chap, don’t you see everyone is paying 1500? Just accept you are broke.
6. The Two Northerner Girls Jazzing In Their Local Language
I once sat in a taxi from the park to Ntinda and there were these two Acholi girls that kept conversing in their local language from the time we set off till the time the taxi stopped in Ntinda. If I had the powers, I would have commanded that they pay extra. That noise pollution was for world cup.
7. The Fat Conductor
These are the worst, especially if you are going to be on that seat where the conductor himself sits. There’s always this one fat conductor that will make you wonder who of the two, between him and you should pay the fare. Taxi conductors are meant to be skinny. There’s no way, someone like Tom The Mith Mayanja should be a taxi conductor. It’s people like Mun G, Yung Mulo and Vampino who should play that role.
8. The Driver Who Never Listens
There’s that driver who plays dumb and deaf until you shout out your lungs. You tell him; “maaso awo ssebo” and he will drive you to a place where you may have to get a bodaboda to get back to where you were supposed to come off from.
9. The Girl With Her Ear Phones
This is the kind of girl that’s very hard to vibe. She’s hot, has those perfect boobs, but with earphones plugged in. You pray that at least you come off from the same point. A few minutes before you come off, she decides to get off. And you can see your heavenly sent beauty going away. If you are a girl who does this to us, kindly WhatsApp Ian Ortega right now and ask for forgiveness.
10. The Silly Dude Who Chooses To Give A Conductor a Big Note
Some passengers have no commonsense. They will wait when they are going off the taxi and remember to give the poor conductor a 50K note so he can take off 800 shillings. These guys are merciless. They have hearts of Al-Shabaab terrorists. Who on earth does that? There’s also that guy who gives the conductor a very torn currency note. When the conductor tries to reject it, the man sends a rebuttal asking; “where do you think did I got it from? That’s the only money I have, take it or leave it.”
11. The Guy At The Front Praying For A Hot Chic To Sit Next To Him
I have been in that position, where I am indirectly reserving the front seat for a hot chic. As God is about to answer my prayers and the hot girl is coming over to the front seat, this one boring dude with a fat belly gets to the door before her, and kills all my morale. You dudes, kindly look for other places. Those seats are reserved. If you want us to put signs to show you, we shall do that. Mwwwwsssttttttt.
12. The Whiner aka Complainer
There’s that aged whiner who keeps complaining at everything. They complain about the dirty seats. Nigga as your age mates were in the bush fighting to buy cars, what were you doing? They will complain about the taxi conductor who is busy waiting for other passengers telling him; “Ssebo tutwaale.” Listen, if you wanted to rush, you should have bought your own car. They will complain about every pothole. Talk of how Obote’s days were much better.
13. The Woman With A Baby Who Keeps Pinching You
Some babies can just mean to be annoying. First they will cry and make noise for the whole taxi. Then as you are getting used to that, they see you eating something and begin struggling to grab it. You silly baby if you are reading this, I am not your parent. Disturb your mother’s breasts. They will look at you with that eye, pull your shirt, step on you with their bu midget shoes. Mwwwsssttt
14. The Passenger With Too Much Luggage
You know why some of us avoid the conductor’s seat, because there’s always that person who comes with too much luggage that makes the entire existence super hell for you. Arggghhhhh… why carry too much luggage if you don’t have a car of your own. Some people with poor planning! In the same aspect of passengers, there are mothers who move with a whole orphanage. Like why for Mbabazi’s sake do you procreate like rabbits? And they insist on not giving the kids their own seat. Just making us uncomfortable. This also goes to dudes who sit with their arms stretched allover other passengers.
15. The Girl With Her Smartphone that gets Stolen
If you’ve used the pioneer mall junction or the one by Queen’s way, then you understand that if you leave the windows open, your phone will be snatched. There’s always that one campuser that forgets this fact. She pulls out her phone in traffic jam, smoothly scrolls on it, sideways and downwards before some thief shows her how to handle phones in Kampala taxis. These types of girls also include the kind that never want to mention places of local names. Instead of saying; “kukasasiro” in Kamwokya, they will keep shouting; “Conductor ku rubbish…” and if going to Nakawa, you will hear them tell the conductor; “Condrrruuuucctaarrr small gayteee”.
16. The Smelly He-Goat
There are those guys that don’t know what a deodorant means. They will bring nausea to you. You will curse, you will pray they get off the taxi as soon as possible, but God never answers these prayers. There’s also that one guy with whooping cough, the kind of cough that makes you think he has tuberculosis. He will keep letting off the rockets in your direction. With every single coughing spree, you can see the images of 100 ways to die.
17. The Nigga Busy Searching For The Money
This nigga will search for the money and for a moment one gets scared on his behalf. They will check their bag, then check their wallet, then check their socks, then their boxers. They are usually named “Brian”, it’s a true story. Finally they will find their 1000 coin, and wait for the change of Shs 200.
18. The Fool Reading This And Acting Like They Have No Idea
Yes, there is that passenger that’s reading this and acting as though they have never boarded a taxi. They are usually named Tasha, Tricia, Liz. Girl, I have seen you board that taxi, stop pretending like you don’t do taxis. Look at your weave, it may even fall off.
19. The Chap Reading This and Is One Of The People we’ve Mentioned
Yes, if you are one of those creatures on this list, please and please mutubaleemu amagezi. Some of us have our own cars, but don’t make us regret why we leave them home. Mwwwwsssssttttt you look like master blaster.
20. The Other Person I Have Left Out
There’s that outlier I have not mentioned. The rare passenger you’ve met during your own taxi moments. Please comment with their type and characteristics. We shall update this article.
About The Writer:
Ian Ortega is currently a Managing Editor at www.campuseye.ug. He doesn’t do girls with weaves and girls who leave his messages on “seen.” If you have a story tip for him, email: ortian@gmail.com