By Ian Ortega
I admit I am human, I admit some things just don’t make sense. It’s like when you get one thing, you lose something. Life has made it a zero-sum game, except that it all happens in one person. Everything in life comes with an opportunity cost. And so it has been between the age old battle between the singletons and those in relationships.
See, it feels good to be in a relationship. It feels good to have someone you can quickly call up on such cold nights when the El Nino rains are trying to prove their supremacy. Yes, it feels good knowing you can always have that assured person for that one moment when you need to release the stubborn sperm cells, engage in fake emotional convos and have someone to flaunt off on lovers’ days such as Valentine’s Day.
But there’s something you lose when in a relationship. It’s called freedom. I have been in and out of relationships. And I think I am getting to the point where I have failed to get that one girl who will let me run a relationship with freedom. At the beginning, it’s always fantasy and fairy tales. You all make endless promises to yourselves. Then the sex happens. Then you get used to each other. Then as a man, you begin looking for new lands to conquer, new planets upon which to plant flags and let them fly in the moaning songs.
But then she gets clingy. She begins to complain, she longs for drama. She asks why you no longer call frequently, she wants you to make time for her. Look here bitch, can’t you just see that there are better things to make time for than some thing called “you” or “girlfriend.” I would understand if I was told to make time for pizza, for a drink or for a serving of steamy hot sex, and of course, I wouldn’t mind making time for some free money from the government coffers. But a girlfriend? Girlfriends are supposed to understand that we’ve already made space for them in our hearts, and that’s enough piece of land for them to relax.
It’s things like these that make me hate relationships. Not just hate them, but always long to get out of them, as soon as I enter them or perhaps as soon as I hit that jackpot. On a serious note, I hate losing my freedom, freedom to be myself, freedom to utter any words without proofreading them, freedom to not buy airtime so just you can call her and say I love you so she can say “love you too.”
I have come to a humble conclusion; “relationships suck.” We need something better than relationships. Men were not cut for the drama that comes with relationships. We were not cut for having some female give us instructions on what to do. We don’t even have enough memory space in our brains to remember some birthday. Speaking of birthdays, why is it a big deal remembering one and trying to make it special for her. I think birthdays are an expression of female narcissism. Why on earth should we celebrate the fact that your mother was deep in pain on this day? Why not celebrate your mother on this day instead? Because your coming to this world was not a big deal, we could as well have done away with you, that would mean less weaves and less makeup kits.
For now, I am putting out a humble notice, I am searching for a golden mean. I am searching for a place that’s in between a single life and relationships. Where I can have the benefits of both worlds and none of the costs. Something similar to friends with benefits. Though I don’t wanna part with anything. So you see where we are headed.
Or perhaps, we could create a club or movement of people who just want to eat the cake and have it. Our tag line will read; “when I am single, I want to be in a relationship; When I am in a relationship, I want to be single.”
Any willing sponsors and partners for that social movement; my email is always open; [email protected] I repeat being single sucks, being in a relationship sucks. I just want to find that middle place, where nothing sucks. I know it exists, deep down I know it does. I saw it in my dreams. I saw it.
Disclaimer: This post was written under the influence of 2016 election promises. It has no bearing whatsoever on my real life. But hey, who cares if it does? Freedom we have, an unalienable human right.