By Ian Ortega
For all the years they presented the breakfast show at Sanyu FM, Seanice Kacungira had simply decided to send Fatboy to the dreaded friend zone. For a guy who claims to have swallowed the Red-Pill, Fat Boy kept assuring his fans that he would never go around acting like a nice guy in order to get a woman. Despite the fact that Fat Boy had the most access to Seanice, he didn’t even get anything beyond the hug. Yet sources at the radio station tell us that one could read the feelings from Fat Boy’s body language.
“He was in love with Seanice and he still harbours those same feelings. He just didn’t have the courage to approach her. You see Fat Boy is naturally shy. He makes up for his shyness by pretending to be proud and full of himself. The only person that he had managed to get far with, was Melanie and it was just a simple morning kiss that Fat Boy went on to brag about for all these years,” says a colleague at Sanyu.
Now news coming in shows that Fatboy aka James Onen may be driven to commit suicide after learning that Seanice has been taken. Friends are very certain he didn’t see this coming. While he spent years talking against marriage in a bid to buy time with Seanice, some serious Ogas were swaying Seanice off her feet.
The clearly distraught Fat Boy spent his Friday sharing photos of Seanice while downing bottles of hard booze in order to drown very well in his thoughts.
“He’s capable of doing anything. I am certain he’s going to go to his mother and cry around for her. But the mother is also getting confused about his forty year old baby who can’t seem to get lucky when it comes to love. Our only hope is that he doesn’t climb to the top floor of Worker’s house and does the unthinkable. Fatboy can kill himself for love. But he has only his poor game to blame. How do you present a morning show with such a hot girl and you don’t even get to taste her lips? If that’s not impotency, then what?” a friend at the station angrily speaks out.
People commented on James Onen’s wall in order to comfort him while others were cautioning co-workers to be on the watch. “People be on the lookout! Fatboy shouldn’t be allowed to climb any tall buildings especially Workers House. He shouldn’t be left alone either. We still need him,” one fan commented.
“Our greatest fear is that Cranes Chamber’s has more floors that Mabirizi Plaza and Sanyu is on the top floor. How sure are we that while presenting his show, he won’t just jump out and commit suicide?” a scared fan commented.
Here is the barrage of comments that poured through;
“Facing reality is a good healing process”
“Bambi James Onen dont cry be strong the gods will see you through”
“Someone is slowly dying.”
“I guess Fatboy is emotionally stressed b’se he can’t get over Seanice, tbh, i think u still love her James”
“Yo jst obsessed n hurting abt her..bt dnt worry play station 10 is out. Am sure yo praying 4 a ka-Komutale stunt”
In ways of comforting himself, Fatboy had this to say;
“I don’t know why it hasn’t occurred to people that a woman getting married doesn’t mean she ceases to be accessible. In 2014, a married woman is easier to sleep with than a single chick. So even for the sake of argument – if I really had a thing for Seanice (which I don’t), her getting married would not stop me from still attacking. Goodness knows how many married women are out there giving it up to thirsty ni**az once the excitement of the wedding dies down and the boredom of marriage has set in. Honestly, the LAST people I’ll ever be envious of in this world are married men.”
As the African Proverb says; “a man who fails to make his intentions well known to a girl, will end up fetching water on her wedding.” For the case of Fatboy, he’s busy fetching and collecting tears. As the Baganda say; “Fatboy gakaaba gakomba.”