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By Young Ti
(1). When you call a lady for the eleventh consecutive time and she doesn’t pick up nor return your calls, there is a high chance that maybe her phone is on silent mode..You shall continue calling her so that the screen of her phone produces so much light that hopefully will produce sound.
(2) If you send her many texts and she doesn’t reply to any, be it a normal text message or whatsapp, continue sending some more texts. We believe that she is so smitten by our poetry that she struggles to find words to reply back for she is not as creative as us.
(3). If you ask a girl out on a date and she tells you she’ll inform you when she is free; a day might pass, a week might pass, a month might pass, a year might pass but nevertheless keep believing that she is still looking for that day that she has free time for you are a man who is not to be given a mere 2 hours.
(4). If you spot the girl you like with another man, or uploading a picture of her and another man kissing… until a DNA test is carried out, you will always assume that the man is her brother or her cousin. This assumption shall assist you to continue calling her regardless.
(5). When a lady rejects your advances, never abuse her back. This is because she was merely playing hard to get as they usually do. Thou shall continue pursuing her with even more vigor, relentlessly until she dies because if she only blocks you, you should not give up as she just wanted to know how far you are willing to pursue her pelvic areas. Women love creative men, that’s why if she blocks you, thou shall buy another line or open another facebook account and continue with the assault.
10 Reasons Why Ugandan Women are Better Than Kenyan Women
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By Our Reporter
For a long time, I held Kenyan Women in high esteem. They were my unicorns. Because back in the days, Kenya was the country that seemed like the Heaven of East Africa. It’s not until I begun to travel to Kenya and stayed over for longer periods that it suddenly hit me how Kenyan women were wildebeests in disguise. Now that the Huddah Munroe bubble has also been burst, the Vera Sidika bubble too was poked with a needle, with these taken out of the pile, I wonder if there’s anything more Kenya has to offer as far as women are concerned. I have since then come to a conclusion, backed by findings from the laboratory of social life which is experience. Here’s why Ugandan Women are far better than Kenyan Women.
1. Kenyan Women Are Ugly
A wise man once said, that there’s no ugly woman, only lazy ones. Yet when you look at all the effort that Kenyan women put in trying to be beautiful, it’s amazing that they are still ugly. With all the buckets of make-up they apply on their faces, we are shocked that that the most beautiful Kenyan woman doesn’t come close to an average Ugandan woman. Show me a Vera Sidika or a Huddah Munroe, and I will show you thousands of Ugandan girls who are far more beautiful, and devoid of plastic or fake body parts.
2. Kenyan Women Have Taken Obesity To Another Scale
Unlike in Uganda where our Nyama Choma has matooke, in Kenya, it’s always Ugali. This explains why Kenyan women have grown fat at a rate that’s alarming. Sit in a matatu while in Nairobi and you will be gasping for fresh air because of the space that’s always taken up by its obese women. In Uganda, when girls grow fat, it’s always aimed at enhancing their booties, boobs and hips. In Kenya, it’s undirected fatness. The fingers are big, the cheeks are big, the lips are wide and big, in summary-the average Kenyan woman looks like a swelling wildebeest. Whereas a normal Ugandan girl’s figure is compared to an hour glass, a Kenyan woman’s body figure is like a 2 litre soda bottle.
3. Truth be told, sex with Kenyan Women Sucks, Should Be Avoided
I thank God that I was born Ugandan and not Kenyan; above all, I thank God that I don’t have to wake up every day with no choice but to have sex with a Kenyan Woman. The Kenyan Government should levy a special tax on all Kenyan Women; this money should be used to give every Kenyan player a monthly salary for the hard work in having sex with Kenyan women. Having sex with a Kenyan woman is not a fun activity; it shouldn’t even be called romance or making love. There’s nothing fun about sex with a Kenyan woman, it’s real torture. Now I know why Kenyan men would rather have sex with donkeys, cows and chicken than with their women, it’s a much better deal. Why does sex with Kenyan women suck? Because they dry!!! The average Kenyan woman is like a Kalahari Desert. So Kenyan men have always reported penile fractures, bruises, all from the too much friction from sex with their women.
4. The Drug Epidemic of Kenyan Women is at an all-time high
While Ugandan women cook like their mothers, Kenyan women drink like their fathers. Not just those, most Kenyan women are moving chimneys. The only way to sustain a Kenyan woman at home is to stock all kinds of cigarettes, shisha and narcotics.
5. Kenyan Women are Violent, Spoilt by Feminism
When CNN referred to Kenya as a hotbed of terror, it intended to refer to Kenyan Women; it’s a mistake they realized later. Kenyan women are the kind that will kick, punch, slap, and dominate their men. Kenyan men have been relegated to speaking with soprano voices while the Kenyan women walk around wearing the pants in relationships.
6. Kenyan Women are a Fashion Disaster
Go to Nairobi; pick the best dressed Kenyan women. Come to Kampala, pick the worst dressed Ugandan women and you will soon realize the fashion disaster that is Kenyan women. You read Ugandan fashion magazines and blogs for tips on how to dress well, you read fashion recommendations from Kenyan blogs and magazines to find out which fashion disasters to avoid. You spot a Kenyan woman, and will be wondering which designer she’s wearing, only to find out that she got the curtain from her home windows and took it to the tailor to create a dress. The Kenyan Blankets and Wine event is a horror event, the Ugandan version is like the Paris Fashion week.
7. Nothing is as rare as love from a Kenyan Woman
Factor in the moral inflation figures, Kenyan women have not been taught to love neither have they experienced what it means to give out love. It’s easier to find a heart-broken Kenyan man than one who can comfortably praise his woman for her love. The only reason why Ugandan women end up taking all the Kenyan men is because love from Ugandan women is still pure, it’s undefiled by standards. At least in Uganda, a woman will appreciate when a man goes out of his way to provide for her. Kenyan women have this deeply embedded self-entitlement. In Kenya men are not boyfriends or husbands anymore but sponsors.
8. The IQ levels of Kenyan Women are really lacking
It’s much easier to hold an intellectual conversation with a Ugandan woman than a Kenyan woman. If you compare the most searched things on Google between a Kenyan and a Ugandan woman, you will be shocked. For the same query, a Kenyan woman will write a 20 long sentence; “Dear Google, kwani I be wondering, how do I cook good Ugali for my Kisii boyfriend and also make sure he finishes the food.” A Ugandan woman will instead write; “Best Recipes for Chicken Biryani.” While the average Ugandan woman knows a thing or two about philosophers such as Marcus Aurelius, Kenyan women are more troubled by the meaning of Eric Omondi’s jokes.
9. Kenyan Women are the worst road drivers
Time and again, you will see photos on Facebook of Kenyan women drivers doing the most unexpected of things. They are the kind of drivers who will never look into their side mirrors; they are the kind that has no idea about checking on the oil and water levels of a car. A Ugandan woman is comfortable driving a stick-shaft, for a Kenyan woman, it’s automatic all the way.
10. Married Kenyan Women have abandoned their roles as wives
In Kenya, the maids do all the work. The maids cook the food, the maids sing the husbands to sleep, the maids breastfeed the children. Nothing is as replaceable as a Kenyan wife. In Uganda, once one gets a wife, the wife will wake up early in the morning, make breakfast for the husband, and prepare the children for school. She will then do some house management and head to work. At 5pm strictly, a Ugandan woman will rush home, prepare a meal for the husband, and later on take a shower and show up in the best lingerie for her man. In Kenya, forget all that, a woman will come back from work in the wee hours of the night while reeking of alcohol. She will then command her man to push up to his side of the bed, without showering, the Kenyan woman will get into the bed, wake up, rush to work without doing any chore at home. Apparently, putting a ring on a Kenyan woman is a massive waste of time, there’s no return on investment.
Till next time, follow us on Twitter: @bigeyeug we shall soon be releasing “10 Reasons why Ugandan Men are Better than Kenyan Men.”
A Complete Guide To Ugandan Women
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By Our Reporter
Some of the stuff may not sit well with some people because it may be adversely mentioning them. I advise you dont read the nonsense if you are sensitive:). We hope somebody soon crafts a foolproof guide to Ugandan men soon.
Foolproof guide to Ugandan women. Enjoy…!?
1) Alice the Alcoholic.
Most of her Facebook statuses are about how she is going to get wasted, got wasted, or missed work coz she slept till midday on a Tuesday. Proudly says how she has a whisky (this lot have long ago graduated to serious drinks not these ma-blackices) gin and tonic or tequila with her lunch. Buys her own drinks, has a nice job, 3 ton chip on her shoulder.
Chances of being a good wife or girlfriend…nil.
2) Betty the Bitter Single Mum.
At every table, in every bar or restaurant in this country, there is a bitter single mum. She casually calls the father of her kid ‘bastard’ and has man issues that would make FIDAs most male bashing lawyer look like a geisha. Men are dogs, she says. Then spends the rest of the night whining how Ugandan men are too insecure they cant date a single mum.
Date-ability depends on how bad her bitterness is.
3) Cathy the Cougar
She may be a feisty Mbarara wife, or a shrubbing farmer from Ntungamo, but increasingly Uganda’s dating scene is becoming the hunting ground for old women with money to burn on young men. Dont be fooled. She only wants you for your body. You aren’t allowed to shag anyone else and must be at her beck and call. If at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday she calls you up and tells you to meet her…you move your f–king A$ chap chap.
Your mum would have a heart attack if she found out you are doing her. Your bank manager would have a heart attack if you stopped doing her.
If you manage to rock her world, she will ask you to marry her. Good luck having any respect in society.
4) Dorothy the Divorcee
Her ex-husband shagged anything in a skirt. Now she is in the market earnestly trying to show him up. Prefers more mature and working men. Your future prospects depend on how much one man’s trash can really be another man’s treasure.
5) Emma Evil
Mean, rude, stingy and unfortunately gorgeous as hell. Knows she is beautiful and thinks that gives her carte blanche to do whatever she likes. Has no concept of guilt or remorse. You wouldnt be surprised if you found a human skull and occult paraphanelia in her wardrobe.
6) Fifi the Freak
She certainly is very…ahem…popular. Goes home with a different guy every Friday and you know at least seven of your pals whom she has been with.
Boss, stay away from this chick, unless you dont mind getting rashes in personal places.
7) Gladys goody-two-shoes.
Every sentence has one of these words; “church, pastor, Bible, salvation, sin, holy, no.” She is the girl with the ankle length skirts, Bible in her handbag, who won’t meet you in a bar coz its a sin, goes for prayer meetings every night and carries anointing oil with her.
Unless you are actually a committed christian man looking for a wife, stay away from her or risk being struck by lightening.
8) Harriet the Hustler
We all know at least one chick like this. She is always on her phone, talking in machine-gun speed vernacular doing deals about plots, chicken or farm produce. Can sell you anything you want from a car to a tractor to a sack of potatoes in Kabale. Just give her five minutes and some airtime.
Annoying as girlfriends but this lot make better wives, as long as you know that while cheating is forgiveable, losing her money is not.
9)Immaculate, who is anything but immaculate.
Spent her early 20s living it up, being shagged by politicians and musicians. Now in her late 20s/early 30s she is turning a new leaf and is looking for a husband. She has changed all her friends, uses her middle name so that her former identity doesn’t get discovered, joined a conservative church and is practicing secondary virginity.
We all have a past, so if you are a mature and forgiving, understanding man…date her. But most men are shallow hypocrites who run for the hills when they find out she was once sexetary to the cabinet.
10) Jane the Joker
28 years old. No job. No income. Lives with her parents. Didn’t finish University, is always doing some weird short courses. Has no drive but drives a souped up car. Thinks daddy will always be there to provide.
Wants a rich man to make her his housewife. Doesn’t cook, clean or talk to poor people.
11) Kate from Fort Portal
Snobbery in designer jeans. Kate only mixes within ‘her social class’. Prefers Twitter to Facebook and tells you to your face that she rejected your friend request “coz we just work together, I mean, its not like we are friend friends. But we can still do email.” Your car must be German, clothes Italian and she will not show up if the restaurant isn’t Japanese or Turkish.
Date her if you are old money. You may get away with being new money so long as its a lot of new money.
12) Laura Loud-Mouth
Gossips like a fishmonger’s wife. Everything and aything you tell her will soon be public knowledge. Has a loud annoying voice, loud annoying laugh and only an idiot would date her let alone marry her. Has no real friends, loves being the centre of attention and conversation. Is a pathological liar.
13) Moody Molly
One minute she is all rainbows and butterflies, the next she is a tsunami of anger and tears. Her extreme mood swings scare you and you instinctively move back slightly if she has a knife, even if its a bread knife in a restaurant.
14) Nelly the clingy Nag
She calls you at 6 to say good morning. At 8 to find out if you got to work okay. Sends you three texts, writes on your wall and calls you twice before lunch. She always wants to be with you and gives you annoying pet names. Goes ballistic or naggy when you say you cant see her.
15) Sally Shagzmodo
‘Wow djon, ndhis is a ravry les-toe-lant.’ Hotter than a Somalia summer, you try and ignore the mother tongue interference, accent and weird perfume. You focus on the hourglass figure, flawless skin and hope to heaven that she wont ask the waiter if she can have some ugali rather than spaghetti with her meatballs.
16) Tanya Too-Good-To-Be-True
She cooks like a chef, has a hot figure, sharp mind and good sense of humour. She loves football and rugby, your boys like her, your family adores her and ever since you met her your life has been perfect. Extensive background checks have revealed nothing untoward about her past, she comes from a good-normal family, is loving and will make a great wife and mother.
Run. This chick will sacrifice you to some idol somewhere in Mabira forest.
17) Vivian the Virgin
After being in single school all through high school and university, Vivian has decided she now wants to taste the forbidden fruit. But only if you are going to marry her. As in, you have met her parents and started brideprice negotiations.
She talks about marriage on the first date.
18) Wendy the Wannabe
Wendy name drops, has Facebook pictures of her with famous people and is constantly looking for the next celebrity event or club opening. Within two minutes of meeting you she has already asked what you drive,where you live and where you work. If you answer you don’t have a car, live in Kikumi Kikumi and are tarmacking she will sneer, despite the fact that all three are true for her as well.
Yasmin is a Muslim. She may even wear a buibui. But when she comes over to your house she drinks alcohol and eats pork. No pun intended. Okay, pun intended. She wont be seen with you in public and if her dad finds out an infidel has taken the fidelity of his daughter there will be a fatwa and jihad on your A$.
Marrying her means changing religions.
20) Zipporah the rasta
Listens exclusively to Bobi Wine, knows every matatu on their home route down to the specifications of the music system. When you suggest watching Karate Kid at the cinema she tells you not to waste 15K, you can get a dvd of it for 1 bob, buy some nyama and napoleon brandy and watch it at home.
You dont know whether to be happy or sad.
Video: How Africans Reacted To Obama’s Gay Rights Agenda? Pulllooo
20 Types of People You Will Meet In A Ugandan Taxi
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By Ian Ortega
There are all sorts of passengers in a Ugandan taxi, but once in a while, you will meet each of these types that we describe here. Who are they? How do they act? These are the 20 Types of People You will meet in a Ugandan Taxi.
1. The Preacher
There’s always that awkward born-again Christian that just decides to preach to you, tell you how hell fire is going to burn you up. He or She will speak with a rare kind of passion, that you are almost tempted to shut him up. They usually take the middle seats so they can preach to everyone wide and far.
2. The Peeping Tom
This is the type that will be looking at everything you are typing on your phone. If you have a newspaper, they will be reading it together with you. You may want to even slap them and ask them to buy their own newspapers. They will even peep while you type that WhatsApp message. They will watch every video that’s playing on your phone.
3. The Taxi Conductor without Change
These ones are the most annoying. It doesn’t matter, even if it’s 5K, they will always claim they don’t have change. Like fool, who else should have change if not you? They will make it a point once at a petrol station to ask whoever has big sums of money to forward it so they can get the change. But still, they will wait till you are getting off the taxi to remember to give you change.
4. The Businessman cracking loud deals
You know those wannabe businessmen who answer their phone calls on loud speakers. You hear them talk of million after million. They will keep mentioning those large sums of money. They usually have kikiga accents. “Hati, orinkaaha million mushanju na kanana…” What the hell? Can’t you just take off that Techno loud-speaker? They will always do this in the presence of a hot girl by their side.
5. The Guy/Lady Who Always Wants To Pay Less
You know most taxi touts are always saying; “wojikoyeera lukuumu mubitaano.” But there is always that one weird fellow who will pretend not to have heard this. When the taxi reaches Kireka, the guy will jolt out and give the conductor 1K claiming that’s what they agreed upon. Like you chap, don’t you see everyone is paying 1500? Just accept you are broke.
6. The Two Northerner Girls Jazzing In Their Local Language
I once sat in a taxi from the park to Ntinda and there were these two Acholi girls that kept conversing in their local language from the time we set off till the time the taxi stopped in Ntinda. If I had the powers, I would have commanded that they pay extra. That noise pollution was for world cup.
7. The Fat Conductor
These are the worst, especially if you are going to be on that seat where the conductor himself sits. There’s always this one fat conductor that will make you wonder who of the two, between him and you should pay the fare. Taxi conductors are meant to be skinny. There’s no way, someone like Tom The Mith Mayanja should be a taxi conductor. It’s people like Mun G, Yung Mulo and Vampino who should play that role.
8. The Driver Who Never Listens
There’s that driver who plays dumb and deaf until you shout out your lungs. You tell him; “maaso awo ssebo” and he will drive you to a place where you may have to get a bodaboda to get back to where you were supposed to come off from.
9. The Girl With Her Ear Phones
This is the kind of girl that’s very hard to vibe. She’s hot, has those perfect boobs, but with earphones plugged in. You pray that at least you come off from the same point. A few minutes before you come off, she decides to get off. And you can see your heavenly sent beauty going away. If you are a girl who does this to us, kindly WhatsApp Ian Ortega right now and ask for forgiveness.
10. The Silly Dude Who Chooses To Give A Conductor a Big Note
Some passengers have no commonsense. They will wait when they are going off the taxi and remember to give the poor conductor a 50K note so he can take off 800 shillings. These guys are merciless. They have hearts of Al-Shabaab terrorists. Who on earth does that? There’s also that guy who gives the conductor a very torn currency note. When the conductor tries to reject it, the man sends a rebuttal asking; “where do you think did I got it from? That’s the only money I have, take it or leave it.”
11. The Guy At The Front Praying For A Hot Chic To Sit Next To Him
I have been in that position, where I am indirectly reserving the front seat for a hot chic. As God is about to answer my prayers and the hot girl is coming over to the front seat, this one boring dude with a fat belly gets to the door before her, and kills all my morale. You dudes, kindly look for other places. Those seats are reserved. If you want us to put signs to show you, we shall do that. Mwwwwsssttttttt.
12. The Whiner aka Complainer
There’s that aged whiner who keeps complaining at everything. They complain about the dirty seats. Nigga as your age mates were in the bush fighting to buy cars, what were you doing? They will complain about the taxi conductor who is busy waiting for other passengers telling him; “Ssebo tutwaale.” Listen, if you wanted to rush, you should have bought your own car. They will complain about every pothole. Talk of how Obote’s days were much better.
13. The Woman With A Baby Who Keeps Pinching You
Some babies can just mean to be annoying. First they will cry and make noise for the whole taxi. Then as you are getting used to that, they see you eating something and begin struggling to grab it. You silly baby if you are reading this, I am not your parent. Disturb your mother’s breasts. They will look at you with that eye, pull your shirt, step on you with their bu midget shoes. Mwwwsssttt
14. The Passenger With Too Much Luggage
You know why some of us avoid the conductor’s seat, because there’s always that person who comes with too much luggage that makes the entire existence super hell for you. Arggghhhhh… why carry too much luggage if you don’t have a car of your own. Some people with poor planning! In the same aspect of passengers, there are mothers who move with a whole orphanage. Like why for Mbabazi’s sake do you procreate like rabbits? And they insist on not giving the kids their own seat. Just making us uncomfortable. This also goes to dudes who sit with their arms stretched allover other passengers.
15. The Girl With Her Smartphone that gets Stolen
If you’ve used the pioneer mall junction or the one by Queen’s way, then you understand that if you leave the windows open, your phone will be snatched. There’s always that one campuser that forgets this fact. She pulls out her phone in traffic jam, smoothly scrolls on it, sideways and downwards before some thief shows her how to handle phones in Kampala taxis. These types of girls also include the kind that never want to mention places of local names. Instead of saying; “kukasasiro” in Kamwokya, they will keep shouting; “Conductor ku rubbish…” and if going to Nakawa, you will hear them tell the conductor; “Condrrruuuucctaarrr small gayteee”.
16. The Smelly He-Goat
There are those guys that don’t know what a deodorant means. They will bring nausea to you. You will curse, you will pray they get off the taxi as soon as possible, but God never answers these prayers. There’s also that one guy with whooping cough, the kind of cough that makes you think he has tuberculosis. He will keep letting off the rockets in your direction. With every single coughing spree, you can see the images of 100 ways to die.
17. The Nigga Busy Searching For The Money
This nigga will search for the money and for a moment one gets scared on his behalf. They will check their bag, then check their wallet, then check their socks, then their boxers. They are usually named “Brian”, it’s a true story. Finally they will find their 1000 coin, and wait for the change of Shs 200.
18. The Fool Reading This And Acting Like They Have No Idea
Yes, there is that passenger that’s reading this and acting as though they have never boarded a taxi. They are usually named Tasha, Tricia, Liz. Girl, I have seen you board that taxi, stop pretending like you don’t do taxis. Look at your weave, it may even fall off.
19. The Chap Reading This and Is One Of The People we’ve Mentioned
Yes, if you are one of those creatures on this list, please and please mutubaleemu amagezi. Some of us have our own cars, but don’t make us regret why we leave them home. Mwwwwsssssttttt you look like master blaster.
20. The Other Person I Have Left Out
There’s that outlier I have not mentioned. The rare passenger you’ve met during your own taxi moments. Please comment with their type and characteristics. We shall update this article.
About The Writer:
Ian Ortega is currently a Managing Editor at www.campuseye.ug. He doesn’t do girls with weaves and girls who leave his messages on “seen.” If you have a story tip for him, email: email@example.com
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