By Ian Ortega
English will always depend on where you grew and who grew you. We have those unique breed of people who keep castrating the queen’s language that they get us wondering: “What crime did Mr.English commit?” What did English do to them? Sometimes, we think it’s English’s fault so we plead out aloud, “English please leave your friend alone.”
So here is the compilation of the Top Ten Ugandan Buffalo Hunters of the English language.
10. Kyambogo Students
These ones represent the intelligentsia at our universities. Their popular quotes include: “Here, zeyi feed us on poso.” And the last one: You beat asi we quiet, you eat our porridge we quiet, you steal our money, we quiet, you think we are not a people?”
9. Sam Omara
He is literally Besigye’s body guard; he comes at number nine because if it was not for him, police freaks would have been some of the most boring creatures on earth. In case he’s fired next time Besigye escapes, he can join comedy with his ram shackled bytes of the queen’s language.
8. Diamond Oscar
If a man can say his own name wrongly in a song simanya “Diamond Oksar in my demon wez(read diamond ways). He represents the clan mentored by the Goodlfye in this department.
7. Tamale Mirundi
You thought he would survive. He has killed more buffalos in the ten years he’s spent as the presidential spokesman than the president has killed in his entire lifetime. “The Kabaka is human being, e cani be allested.”
6. Prof. Bigg Eye
He doesn’t even know the correct spelling of his name. Like Eddy Kenzo, he’s promised to bring Uganda two Grammy awards. But the Grammy awards have replied saying: “Naye we alu olwede bukuuti.”
5. District Councilors
You all remember them during the time of swearing in. They all kept struggling with the word ‘solemnly’. One began saying “I musolo moni swear dat…”
4. Betty Nambooze
Madam Teacher comes in at number four. If you want to challenge her in debates, focus on the English side, bring her to English and she will reduce her words by 90 percent. She never realizes that she’s killed the buffalos. The buffalos may actually kill her.
3. Golola Moses
The hot temper fears only one thing in this world, the buffalos he has killed. Just in case all these buffalos reincarnate, it will be like a face-off with 100 Zsambokis in ring. But he is comical, he makes us think his buffalos are intentional.
2. Eddy Kenzo
The buffalos here must be singing: “Zeyi wantu killu me because of you, u dinti tellu me u gati someone.” Eddy Kenzo is in his own league. For this reason, he deserves a Grammy.
1. SEYA
He should be arrested and charged in the international English court for massive murder and for being a causative in the extinction of the African Buffalo. He has killed many Buffalos to the extent that these days, he knocks off years from Desire Luzinda’s official age.
“English depends on where you grew and who grew you.”