By Larry Asego
There are different ways of keeping clean: you can take a shower, have a bath, have a French bath, lick yourself like a dog, or be licked like a kamasutra auditionist. Bottom line is the keeping clean.
But what exactly do we wash away from our bodies. Bacteria! Bacteria can be found everywhere, some are harmful others are helpful, some we know absolutely nothing about.
But where lies the difference?
Showering is the process whereby one stands under torrents or drops of water coming from an overhead water releasing mechanism that scientists named “shower” and when you add the gerund—ing, you end up with the act of showering.
This act might involve continuous body motions to ensure desired results. This depends on whether the shower is hot or cold. If cold, you will proceed with the usual ritual. Run across once so that water touches the body at different intervals. Run across again and hope that water touches other body parts.
The question that arises here though is, why do we start with the hands, arms, feet, head and the last places of course are the belly and back? Do the former body parts have different body temperatures from the other latter? Now, if the shower is hot, we systematically start with the hands to test the temperature and then move in head first. So as you can see, our heads experience most sensations before the belly and back.
Bathing on the other hand is the process where water is retained in a body size container aka bathtub. The water must be between lukewarm and hot, depending on the objective. Cold water defeats the purpose of a bath. If you plan on killing or scalding your lover, then put very very hot and boiling water.
If it’s for sauna purposes, just hot… but do this gradually. If for reading purposes, just put lukewarm. If you put cold water in a bath tub, either you are a stupid bachelor who hasn’t bought basins for washing clothes yet, or you should go back to ushago.
Tub and mshamba don’t go together.
A bath requires bubbles, otherwise you spend time looking at your floating body organs, which is just disgusting and equates you to a pervert. Other paraphernalia that accompany baths includes, “Mr. Quackie” (your toy duck you bought on biashara street), other floatables that will serve the purpose of amusing you while you contemplate on your life. 🙂
Unless you have a death wish or just funny sexual fantasies, don’t use a drier or electric shaver in the tub. You will have an electrifying experience, never to forget. Baths are better when accompanied by member or members of the opposite sex, majorly because “there are some areas of your back you can’t reach.” No other reason.
French bath on the other hand, also known as a passport shower, as the name suggests originated from France. It is solely for the very cold and freezing areas where it snows, or also accepted for those who live in Limuru, Kabete, Kinoo and other porini porini areas with trees. This is the process whereby you take a piece of cloth and cover only the areas that a passport picture covers. Head, armpits, face and if you have time and it’s not too cold, your loin area. If it’s too cold, then you can omit because nobody likes cold balls or worse still a cold… whatever.
Anyway rub continuously the “affected areas” to your desired shine.
French baths should be only used in case of emergency. It should however in the long run, lead to a full shower, or else you will have unwanted things growing and living on your body examples that are common are fleas, ticks, spiders in some tropical countries, moss and that forgotten maize seed germinates into a cotyledon.
Icky-licky is the last alternative. You can have your lover lick the dirt off you. Doing it yourself can be perceived and an act of madness, selfishness, stupidity or plain perversion (Self aggrandizement aka self release). This method of cleanliness was invented in Indian in the 16BC when communities ran out of water when the Ganjes ran dry. The partner will selfishly (or selflessly) give you a lick down just like we do it on the discovery channel. Never seen lions giving a lick down to their cubs? If not, then go back to ushago. This is the preferred form of cleanliness because it could lead to what scientists call “one thing led to another.”
Icky licky however is reserved for couples who sort of know each other well and don’t do much outdoor activities. It is also a cheap way of saving on water while going for marriage counselling at the same time. This form of cleanliness can be accompanied by paraphernalia I would rather not print and should not be applied to DFs i.e District Focus type chics who consider kissing tabia mbaya and still play abrikicho-bantu.
Water Squat-er is the most common in Kenya due to the recent water shortages. This is the process whereby you put water in a bucket or basin and go ahead to do the do, pouring water over your body with your hands. This necessitates you squatting with your butt sticking out.
It’s sort of embarrassing when you think about it.
This position rips you off all dignity especially as a grown up and the only difference between you and a monkey is the color. Though the most common, it is the least preferred. Woe unto you should you kick over the bucket and you end up like a lathered butt naked adult. This type of shower doesn’t favor romantic encounters because the last thing you need is staring up your lover’s reverse…..forget it.
Excess water on the surface of the earth causes erosion. Excessive showering wears out the skin. It’s not a must that humans shower often. It is not in the law and nobody should be forced to do it, unless it becomes a weapon of mass destruction.
Bottom line, (no pun intended) no matter what type of method of cleanliness you prefer, remember they say it is next to Godliness, which is quite unfair to the less fortunate in society who don’t have drinking water let alone showering water.
So does it mean if we shower just before we die we might gain God’s favor? Or does it mean we have already condemned the less fortunate to satan. Isn’t fire the best purifier anyway?
Too many questions, not enough time
Editor’s Note: In Uganda, we have the BUILDERS STYLE. Here, you focus on the essential parts like the arm-pits, the legs and the face…and you are ready to go with the bathing style of “akabazimbi”.