By Ian Ortega
WhatsApp recently hired me as their official GROUP-CHAT guide-book maker.
Not only that; RAW and CIA have also given me the authority to slap anyone who breaks the below-mentioned rules.
1. Group chat is meant to CHAT – not to send jokes that can be measured in yards and metres. Once in a while if you have a really funny one, please share… but otherwise don’t abuse the power bestowed upon you.
2. If you’re WhatsApping someone, you already have their telephone number. Possibly you’re even connected on FB. Maybe you even live in the same house.
For the love of God, can you PLEASE quit sending birthday wishes on Group messages then?!?! Send them a private greeting. 43 other people don’t need to see your birthday greeting to person X and then see 43 thank-you messages!
3. If a new member joins, and you feel that the Earth will split open if you don’t send a group message; at least make it longer than “wlcm”. Seriously, if you’re going to make an effort to write that, you might as well make it a little warmer & in correct English… no-one’s charging you by the letter.
4. Please control your emotions when thanking people. Wait till at least 20% of the people have wished before you send thank-you messages….or do it privately.
5. Don’t send forwards which say “Forward to 10 more”. Just don’t.
Your neighbor’s cat will not die. Nothing will happen to your WhatsApp account. You may just save yourself from getting slapped by me.
6. I’m begging you, even folding my hands and sitting on my knees as I type this, do not make that extremely annoying “index & thumb joined and saying WOW” smiley or the “clapping hands smiley”. On a scale of 1-10 where 10 is most annoying, these two are 9999^8763!
7. Would you invite 45 people to your house and talk to just one…If you’re a normal person, your answer should be an emphatic NO! So why have 1 on 1 conversations in a group chat? Seriously, why? Dresses, shoes, cute looking vets….all that can be discussed in a personal message or over the phone. Have some pity on those poor 45 people who will get a buzz every time you write that extremely enlightening & informational “OMG” or “LOL”
8. If someone does send a joke, is it absolutely mandatory for multiple people to reply back with a “lol”? You WILL NOT get brownies, money or a confirmed seat in heaven if you do!
9. rYt in EnGlsh. Its Mch ezr on da eyes n on da hd.
Avoid toggle case and this “special” way of writing English. Respect the language. Goddammit, respect the brain and eyes of the person who has to read your message.
“[katogoaward]”