By Ian Ortega
Not that I am a hormonally charged man but when it is a hot day and a hot girl wiggles her assets past you then you have to act. And so it was on this day when this chromosome xx who I now presume is doing bachelors in dentistry passed by me in a see-through skirt.
To cut the long story short, I asked her out on a date after throwing a couple of pick-up lines like, “hey, are you Kipsiro because you have been running through my mind all day”. So came the day, rushed off to my friend Kats, got that nose catching deodorant, got to my brother, hijacked his moccasins then draped on my stone cleaned skinny jeans. It was swag at its best. We were to meet at some exotic high end place in town for the great date.
Two minutes, thirty minutes, one hour and in jetted my Cinderella with a chariot of escorts, three to be precise. An awkward moment it was, I had to pinch myself and assume the trio of escorts was later to leave us all by ourselves. But to my astonishment, I found out they were to stay.
Well I had to man up, in comes the waitress, hands a menu to each of the girls and the orders began flowing. Cappuccino, uhhhhhh chicken biryani, mozzarella, uhhhhhh pizza, rigatoni……oh my goodness, for a moment I thought they were speaking in tongues. I even doubt they had any idea of what they were ordering. I perused through the list and settled for mineral water, got out a tooth pick and put up a pretense that I had already had my meal.
I excused myself to the gents in the heat of their girly conversations, ran to the nearest ATM machine, slotted in my card and waited for the best of news. It was that moment when you clearly get to the teller machine well aware you have zero balance on your account. But I believe in miracles, gave the machine a coquettish smile as if to bribe it, and then came a squeaky sound “there is insufficient balance to make this transaction…” I threw swear words to this machine, couldn’t it see that my date and her wenches were in need of funding?
With the stride of a spanked bull, I strolled back to the table, as soon as I was settling in my chair, this son of bad black call him a waiter threw a bill straight in my face. Looked at this piece of paper, tried to fold it, my only prayer was for the chair to develop jaws, swallow me and drop me in my room in Naalya out of these cash minting goons. The bill was 100k, I could not call Kats to bail me out on mobile money, and MTN was leaving out true to its name “Munange Tewali Network-MTN. I whispered to my real date and asked to see her in camera. Pouring out my fix in a franking tone, I asked her for help. She just began laughing, came back to the table and broke the news to her trio entourage.
Out came insults, in came boos, the detoothers could not understand what kind of patient I was that the quadrant party of dentists could not detooth. I felt swag malnourished as I handed over the only note I had in my wallet, a 20,000 note so that it could help lessen the hefty bill but they threw back my note. It was a blessing in disguise, without my 20k note, it meant; I would have had to use my footbishi all the way from town to the outskirts of Ntinda.
Having cleared the bill themselves, they vanished but not without a bunch of insults being heaped on me. “Never try calling my phone, you loser, not even a message on Facebook and do not dare poke us, have you heard you jerk?”
“[katogoaward]”
