By Uganda Boyfriends Association
Weeks back, we held the first Uganda Boyfriends Association symposium in which we discussed a number of issues affecting Ugandan boyfriends, dudes, lads, men and everything that identifies as a male creature in Uganda. One of the questions that came out was how to measure one’s game and sexual success. We realized that lots of dudes brag about having game but there’s no way to compare game between different men except if we had in place various indicators and scales upon which to measure this game and sexual success.
The symposium agreed on these different scales upon which men can give themselves marks and know whether their game has been growing over the years or atrophying.
1. COST PER ORGASM
We define Cost Per Orgasm as the average amount of money you spend on a girl from when you first get interested in banging her to the very moment when you bang her. This cost will thus involve how much airtime you spent talking to her, money you spent on dates together with her, money you spent on your own transport, money you gave to her. The cost per orgasm varies from girl to girl. In this case, one must have their Maximum cost per orgasm, the highest amount of money they’ve ever spent on a girl they banged and the Minimum cost per orgasm, the lowest ever one has spent before being able to Google her. Then, one should take a rough estimate of their average cost per orgasm. Thus, if one man Edward has Shs.50,000 as his average Cost Per Orgasm and another man, Brian has Shs.100,000, it will be clear than Edward has more game than Brian. However, if over time, Edward’s Cost Per Orgasm goes up instead of reducing, then his game could be said to be reducing or inflation could be responsible.
2. BOUNCE BACK RATE
We define Bounce Back Rate as the number of times you have sex with a girl. Please note, this doesn’t imply rounds. It implies different times. A time is defined as her coming to your place, giving you her Namulonge and going back to her place. So, you want to know your average Bounce Back Rate, add up the sum of all bounce back rates divided by the number of girls you’ve bedded. Probably, you may be averaging a bounce back rate of 1.5 times.
3. CONVERSION RATE
Conversion Rate is one of the indicators of solid game; it is defined as the time it takes from when you meet a girl to when you kiss/bang her. It’s measured in hours. A one night stand could give one a conversion rate of 4 hours. Then you should get your average conversion rate-how much time do you take before you are able to bang a girl that you’ve expressed interest in? If your conversion rate is in months, then you must be having a real problem with your game. Of course, there could be some outliers, perhaps you meet this one girl who you’ve always wanted to bang but somehow you take even a year without nailing her down. You could remove those outliers when calculating the average conversion rate. But you should also note down your minimum conversion rate, the shortest time you took before banging a girl and the maximum conversion rate, the longest time you took.
4. DISTRICTS
We have over 100 districts in Uganda. To know if a man really has game, we’re interested in knowing how many districts he’s scored in? If you score two girls in Mbarara, it counts as one district. If you score 10 girls in Kampala, it still counts as one district. So you want to know how many districts you have in your portfolio.
5. FLAGS
This is usually the point that separates the men from the boys. Flags refer to particular countries. For example, if you’ve banged 100 Ugandan girls, it counts as one flag. If you are able to bang a Kenyan girl, that’s another flag. Most guys in the boyfriends’ association had about two flags, the guy writing this has four flags which is remarkable by Ugandan standards.
6. LETTERS aka ALPHABET
The other measure for sexual success and game is how many letters of the Alphabet you’ve scored. Here, you are ticking off the initials of girl’s names. Thus, if you bang a girl named Alicia, then bang a girl named Anastacia, that counts as one letter. If you are reading this, you should be calculating how many letters you have?
7. CONTINENTS
For those who want to take the measurements even higher, you could count Continents. Truth be told, I have only one continent on my list, and that’s Africa. You could find that you are better than some guy when it comes to flags but he’s better than you when it comes to continents. I guess Guvnor Ace has two continents.
8. BODY COUNT aka NOTCHES
This is the number of girls you’ve banged in your lifetime. Okay, after some time, you lose count of the notches, but you could make estimates. Perhaps above 10 girls, perhaps above 20, you should be honest with yourself.
9. QUALITY OF NOTCHES
As you are already aware, girls are ranked on a scale of 1 to 10. All my life, I have not met a girl who was a perfect 10. That’s like a girl who’s 100% in everything, perfect eyes, perfect voice, and perfect body. But you want to measure your quality of notches, have you banged more 5s on average or more 7s on average? You could take a rough estimate and see whether you score a 7, an 8, a 7.5, a 6, or perhaps a 1. Okay if you are banging more 1s on average, then something is really wrong.
10. RATE OF RETURN
This is the final measuring scale that the Uganda Boyfriends Association agreed upon. Rate of Return refers to how many girls you end up banging from the approaches you make. If you approached 10 girls in the past month, how many of those have you banged so far? If none, then you are having a zero rate of return. You can then express that in a percentage.
The other was the rate of growth in orgasms. Some members didn’t agree on this. But I felt it’s worth considering. In rate of growth, you choose a base month or base year and then get a year whose results you want to know. If my base year is 2010, and in 2010 I banged only 2 girls, if I want to know how I am doing in 2015, I would get the number of girls banged in 2015, perhaps 10, take the difference between the years and know my rate of growth as a percentage. That will be able to show you the rate at which your game is growing.
With those 10 measuring scales and indicators, you should now be able to quantify your game and sexual success. You should send this to your friends who enjoy bragging and task them to rank themselves on these 10 scales. Till next time, follow us on Twitter: @campuseyeuganda