It’s frustrating when you’re pumped up about a steamy sack session with your guy, and then he goes limp or climaxes in record speed. You’re left considering heading to the bathroom to pull out your vibe, while he’s dealing with a serious ego blow.
Sure, talking about his bedroom problems can be incredibly awkward, but for the sake of your relationship—and for maximum personal pleasure—it’s worth it. Focusing on intimacy makes you feel more connected, both inside the bedroom and out, says Bill Bercaw, a sex therapist and coauthor (with wife Ginger) of the upcoming From the Living Room to the Bedroom: The Modern Couple’s Guide to Sexual Abundance and Lasting Intimacy (April 2014). Working through these situations will help you turn a mortifying moment into a mind-blowing sex life.
He Comes Too Soon
If your guy comes in less time than it takes to post an Instagram—which seriously interferes with your own ability to hit the big O—biology is partly to blame: The average guy takes between two and seven minutes to orgasm, while for women it’s closer to 13 minutes. Guys who are quick on the trigger may benefit from learning a little self-control.
“His fear of coming too soon causes him to clench his pelvic muscles, which accelerates him toward the point of no return,” Bill says. “The key to getting more in sync is to help him learn how to relax.”
Press pause on the thrusting action when he’s nearing his peak to give him a break as he keeps stimulating you with his fingers or tongue. Then start up again and keep pausing intercourse until you both are ready to finish. Not only will this help sex last longer, it will also help him develop more control over his ejaculatory response. “Try experimenting with different positions to find the ones that make him last longer too,” Bill adds. “Female on top is great for women because there’s direct clitoral stimulation, which most women need to orgasm, and you get to control the thrusting.”
His Package Is Small
The average erect penis is between 5.1 and 5.8 inches long. If your guy comes up a little short, try doing it doggie style: It will make you feel fuller because his penis will be hitting your G-spot, and he can also stimulate your clitoris with his hand to help you get there.
“On your end, the vagina is a muscle that can be tightened to help increase your arousal, so try strengthening your pelvic floor by doing kegels,” Ginger suggests. Contract your pelvic floor muscles as if you’re stopping the flow of urine, then relax. Ginger recommends 25 to 30 a day once you have the hang of them. Make them a habit by performing them while you brush your teeth or commute.
He Can’t Get (or Keep) It Up
Don’t take it personally if he goes soft. “Many women feel inadequate or rejected when their man can’t get it up, but his erection or lack thereof is not about you,” Bill says. If your guy suffers from full-blown erectile dysfunction (the inability to maintain an erection more often than not), it may be linked to side effects from prescription drugs or another medical issue, so it’s best to make an appointment with a doctor.
Otherwise, it’s likely all in his head: Sometimes a past performance problem will make a guy fear another bedroom fail, triggering his sympathetic nervous system, which totally shuts down his sexual responsiveness, Bill explains. “Every time this happens, it amplifies those fears for the next time.” No biggie. Start playing with his penis (erect or not), and tell him you love it no matter what it’s doing at the moment. This will take pressure off of him and allow him to relax, which is absolutely essential. “Tell him what you want him to do with you that does not require an erection,” Bill says. “This demonstrates that having a satisfying sex life is not solely dependent on his erection, which could help shift his focus away from what his penis is doing.” Bonus: By putting the spotlight on your pleasure and taking it off of him, you probably won’t be missing out on a climax—another sure-fire way to turn him on.
He Suffers Low Lidido
“The best kept sex secret in America is male low desire,” Ginger says. “Women are ashamed to talk about it because they feel inadequate, and men also feel ashamed out of fear that they’re not keeping up with their lover’s expectations.”
Rather than letting resentment and sexual frustration build, pick a time outside the bedroom so he’ll feel less defensive and be direct: Say you notice that you’re out of sync in terms of how often you want to do it, then ask him how you can get more on the same page. “Many of us think we shouldn’t have to talk about sex because we want it to work naturally, but talking about it is the only way to improve your sex life,” Ginger says. “Tell him you love making love to him and want to find a number or a range that you both can agree upon. Flexibility is key, so say you’re shooting for two to three times a week, with the lower number being the minimum of what you’re okay with and the max number being an excellent week.”
His Sex Fantasy Makes You Uncomfortable
Few things are more awkward than when your guy makes like Adam from HBO’s Girls and asks you to do kinky things, like pretending to be an underage girl. If he springs an idea that feels degrading or makes you uncomfortable, wait a second, Ginger recommends. “It’s better to say you don’t want to embarrass him but you’re not comfortable than to go through with it in the moment and feel bad afterward.”
Talking about fantasies before playing them out is key. Because it’s a risk to share what’s going on inside your head, that shared vulnerability can bring you closer. Of course talking doesn’t mean you have to play out the fantasy, but you may consider meeting in the middle. “It’s okay if you’re not interested in public sex, but you might come up with a creative way to do part of it,” Ginger says, “like doing it in your backyard in the dark instead.”
Source: Shape
“[katogoaward]”
