By Ian Ortega
Ever wanted to be that guy or girl every gossip page talks about for no specific reason? Ever wanted to be the envy of your age mates, living the dream life of a Ugandan Kim Kardashian? Well, we are glad to announce that we finally stuck the secret code to being a Ugandan Celebrity with ease. If you don’t want to be one, please stop reading because we are certain, after reading, you will become an instant celebrity.
1. Adopt a Celebrity Mindset: The celebrity mindset means that you actually begin to think like a celebrity and act like one. For example, when you are given change in form of coins after purchasing something, choose to leave the coins behind. Secondly begin thinking that you are a celeb, see yourself as one, and think so much about it that you become your number one fan just like Zari over there.
2. Strike a Deal with a Boutique: On this second part, you now get into the aspect of having new clothes on you every day. Remember, as a celeb you don’t have to recycle and rebound clothes, everything should be new every day. Go to a boutique and borrow clothes to last you a month, when the month ends, take them back and borrow clothes for the next month. You should never annoy the boutique owner otherwise, your secrets may spill. Better still, get a middle man or lady to help you do the purchasing downtown. For example, send your unknown local friend who knows your size to get you the best attires in Owino then brag around of how you shop in Dubai.
3. Date a Sugar Mummy or Daddy: This is to do with the wallet aspect. Get those lonely aged freaks who can’t get tired of beating the rat and having their rats beaten. Give them all the love (of course fake love) and practice the best lines, give them the best sex and in return siphon them dry. Take the money to finance your lifestyle. Since most of them prefer their privacy, no one will even notice. In one of the BigEye.ug segments, we shall show you the celebrities dating sugar mummies and daddies.
4. Befriend Club Owners and Managers: Get to know people like Gareth Onyango (Venom) on a personal level, befriend Spear Abowe (Club Rouge). And get to have the people behind the famous bars and lounges on your friend list, make sure Henry or Darius of Asylum knows about your plan and when your birthday comes, throw a party at these bars and clubs and make it an exclusive bikini birthday party. Don’t forget to invite Ortega Ian, because when he attends, your celebrity status is verified.
5. Open up an official Facebook Page: Yes, open up an official Facebook page and don’t rest until you have ten thousand fans. Craft up a very inspirational profile info. Make people yearn to meet you, keep posting photos of your great life. For example, post a photo while at one of the sleek restaurant, make an update ‘now at Kabira Club for my gym session.”
6. Take Photos with other celebrities: Yes, begin taking photos with people who have made it, with musicians and with CEOs. And make sure it’s not a Red Banton of sorts; go for people like Bebe Cool, Konshens, and the great entrepreneurs like Patrick Bitature. And while taking the photos, make it seem like it’s the celebrity who asked for it and not you.
7. Begin up a war with BigEye.ug: Just pick a bone with the most popular and influential entertainment website in Uganda. Get one of their articles and find issues you don’t agree with. Talk so much that BigEye.ug actually gets to write about it. Try to clear up the air and make peace with the editors and begin providing stories about yourself. Once BigEye.ug talks about you, you will definitely become a celeb.
8. Let Your Nude Photos Leak: Did you know Doreen Kabarebe before? Of course not, even now, we only remember her booty. Well, the fastest way to becoming a celebrity is to have a sexual scandal and let it happen with one of the celebrities. Let camera men photograph you having sex with someone, if you are a male, let them get your photo of you and Juliana Kanyomozi kissing, if you are female, do it with Chameleone. But please, please let it not be Chris Mubiru. That, we can’t stand.