My dear Ugandan ladies, girlfriends, side dishes, booty call receivers and house maids, we regret to inform you that we shall not be celebrating Valentine’s Day for this year 2015.
We tried our very best to contain this situation but it’s now beyond our human abilities and are left with no option but to postpone it to 2016 if not 2017.
The Uganda Boyfriend Association (UBA) headed by Ian Ortega has come up with the following reasons for the rescheduling of this great day.
1. We are still looking for water for our dear friend Zari. As you all know, climate change and global warming has been real and it didn’t spare our wonderful friend and girlfriend, our very own Kim Kardashian aka Zari. As you all saw, despite the busy camouflage, she’s facing desertification. Allow us another year to irrigate her and import some water from the red sea so as to have the area wet.
2. We are still finishing up with investigations on Kasumaali. Since you all watched the Mweruka video, you should have noticed that although the dancing styles and the buttocks belonged to Kasumaali, he denies being the man in the sextape. We are still working hand in hand with police to find out the true owner of that body and to verify why a woman who claims a sextape was shot before her wedding had a ring on her fingers.
3. Etoffali Project is still on-going. We can’t go on with Valentine’s day until we are done with Kingdom matters. You should also have heard that one of the kingdom officials is sick and thus we are also busy collecting ekelenda.
4. The Lord Mayor is not yet back. How can a city celebrate such a wonderful day without the man in charge of ceremonies in the city? Until the Lord Mayor returns to his office, we can’t go ahead with this day.
5. The dollar rate is not at its best. As you know dear girlfriends, most of us spend in dollars. The dollar rate is not favourable and we are giving ourselves an extra year for a more competitive price to arise.
6. Olara Otunnu is still single. He forgot to vote for himself in the last presidential elections. As we are nearing the next elections, we are using this period to search for a wife for our dear UPC president.
7. We are still waiting for the fundamental change that was promised. We were promised flying cars in 2016. We were even promised that it would be possible to download food from the internet. Unfortunately, none of that has come true. Thus as we still await the fundamental change, let’s dedicate this period to that awaiting instead of celebrating love.
8. We are training our National Team for the next World Cup and AFCON qualifiers. You all noticed what Andy Mwesigwa did to us. We are using this period to build a new national team from scratch. We shall thus spend this time at Namboole and Nakivubo in intensive training.
9. We are waiting for the Mweruka Sextape with sound. Please take this matter seriously. The sex video of Mweruka that we have is muted. Sources confirm that if we wait a little longer, we may get the version with soundtracks. We want to hear her sing the luyinba lw’eggwanga and serving ebyaalo.
10. Finally most of us are still healing from emotional traumas caused by the following; the monster maid, the Zari dry gin hangover, Katsha’s winter coat and Torture caused by Desire Luzinda’s photos. We are thus checking into rehab to heal from the trauma and we shall be back just in time for Men’s day.
11. Any other reasons your boyfriend will give: ATMs not working, sick, lost on a Malaysian plane, travelling upcountry, working overtime, kidnapped, fell into thugs and many other convincing reasons.
But why the heavens should we even beat around the bush? Is it a crime if once in a while you take us out and buy us gifts? After all you claim that it’s women emancipation, please prove that. We are broke beyond reasonable doubt, the kids have just returned to school and the scorching sunshine has affected our pockets.
Signed
Ian Ortega
President, Uganda Boyfriends Association (UBA)
Note: Most girls study at Makerere University Official page and work at either Malaika clothing or at self-employed. We are still checking their mental stability.
CC: Mrs Sanyu Robina (chairlady, Uganda sextape association aka USA)
BCC: Allen Brandy, Zari and Kasumaali.