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BREAKING NEWS: Valentines Day Postponed (Here’s 10 Reasons Why)

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My dear Ugandan ladies, girlfriends, side dishes, booty call receivers and house maids, we regret to inform you that we shall not be celebrating Valentine’s Day for this year 2015.

We tried our very best to contain this situation but it’s now beyond our human abilities and are left with no option but to postpone it to 2016 if not 2017.

The Uganda Boyfriend Association (UBA) headed by Ian Ortega has come up with the following reasons for the rescheduling of this great day.

1. We are still looking for water for our dear friend Zari. As you all know, climate change and global warming has been real and it didn’t spare our wonderful friend and girlfriend, our very own Kim Kardashian aka Zari. As you all saw, despite the busy camouflage, she’s facing desertification. Allow us another year to irrigate her and import some water from the red sea so as to have the area wet.

2. We are still finishing up with investigations on Kasumaali. Since you all watched the Mweruka video, you should have noticed that although the dancing styles and the buttocks belonged to Kasumaali, he denies being the man in the sextape. We are still working hand in hand with police to find out the true owner of that body and to verify why a woman who claims a sextape was shot before her wedding had a ring on her fingers.

3. Etoffali Project is still on-going. We can’t go on with Valentine’s day until we are done with Kingdom matters. You should also have heard that one of the kingdom officials is sick and thus we are also busy collecting ekelenda.

4. The Lord Mayor is not yet back. How can a city celebrate such a wonderful day without the man in charge of ceremonies in the city? Until the Lord Mayor returns to his office, we can’t go ahead with this day.

5. The dollar rate is not at its best. As you know dear girlfriends, most of us spend in dollars. The dollar rate is not favourable and we are giving ourselves an extra year for a more competitive price to arise.

6. Olara Otunnu is still single. He forgot to vote for himself in the last presidential elections. As we are nearing the next elections, we are using this period to search for a wife for our dear UPC president.

7. We are still waiting for the fundamental change that was promised. We were promised flying cars in 2016. We were even promised that it would be possible to download food from the internet. Unfortunately, none of that has come true. Thus as we still await the fundamental change, let’s dedicate this period to that awaiting instead of celebrating love.

8. We are training our National Team for the next World Cup and AFCON qualifiers. You all noticed what Andy Mwesigwa did to us. We are using this period to build a new national team from scratch. We shall thus spend this time at Namboole and Nakivubo in intensive training.

9. We are waiting for the Mweruka Sextape with sound. Please take this matter seriously. The sex video of Mweruka that we have is muted. Sources confirm that if we wait a little longer, we may get the version with soundtracks. We want to hear her sing the luyinba lw’eggwanga and serving ebyaalo.

10. Finally most of us are still healing from emotional traumas caused by the following; the monster maid, the Zari dry gin hangover, Katsha’s winter coat and Torture caused by Desire Luzinda’s photos. We are thus checking into rehab to heal from the trauma and we shall be back just in time for Men’s day.

11. Any other reasons your boyfriend will give: ATMs not working, sick, lost on a Malaysian plane, travelling upcountry, working overtime, kidnapped, fell into thugs and many other convincing reasons.

But why the heavens should we even beat around the bush? Is it a crime if once in a while you take us out and buy us gifts? After all you claim that it’s women emancipation, please prove that. We are broke beyond reasonable doubt, the kids have just returned to school and the scorching sunshine has affected our pockets.

Signed
Ian Ortega
President, Uganda Boyfriends Association (UBA)

Note: Most girls study at Makerere University Official page and work at either Malaika clothing or at self-employed. We are still checking their mental stability.

CC: Mrs Sanyu Robina (chairlady, Uganda sextape association aka USA)

BCC: Allen Brandy, Zari and Kasumaali.

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Relationships

Ugandan Millenials are Ghosting out of Relationships

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By Staff Writer

Gone are the days when boyfriends and girlfriends would sit down and agree to end a relationship. Now, Ugandan millenials have changed the trends. They are just ghosting.

According to research, Ugandan couples no longer suffer with breakup lines. “He simply stops talking to you. He stops replying your messages. Then you just figure out that the relationship is done,” says one of the victims of ghosting.

According to older generations, ghosting is a cowardly way of ending relationships. But it turns out millenials are also ghosting at jobs. “You employ them, they work for some months then they just stop showing up. Next thing you know they moved on to another job. It is unprofessional,” says a human resource director.

Let us hear from you. Have you been ghosted? Have you ghosted before?

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How to Attract the Opposite Sex Effortlessly

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Do you want to know how you can become more attractive to the opposite gender and catch all the attention? Grooming tips and great clothes can make you look good, but to be attractive to others around you requires something completely different. Find out here.
Love Yourself

Nothing is as attractive as someone who is completely comfortable with the way they look and who they are. Believe in yourself and that you are worth everything that comes your way.

Think Positive

View the glass as half full. Compliment and remind yourself to do it and you’ll see the results in no time. The ability to see the good in everything not only makes your life easier, it gives a spring in your step and adds to your charm.

Indulge Yourself

Forget about your diet at least one day in a week and treat yourself to some creamy Belgian dark chocolate ice cream. Step out from under your umbrella and dance in the rain. The ability to let loose and not worry about the reactions of others makes you shine.

Keep an Active Social Life

We are, as a species, social in nature. We love to be with our fellow humans and take great pleasure in social groups, so throw off those comfy tracks and go out no matter how tired or lazy you feel. Once you get there, the fatigue will vanish, leaving you with a sparkle in your eye. Seeing someone having fun with their friends is hot!

Don’t Think About the Competition

It’ll just bring you down. People tend to underestimate themselves, which is good in a few ways, but always keep in mind that you have a few traits that no one else has, and this sets you apart.

Smile

It’s scientifically proven that smiling and laughing release endorphins that make you feel happier. Not only does it give you a mood booster but it makes you look more approachable and not intimidating in the least, so people will be more open to coming up to you.

Be Mysterious

You have to leave the opposite gender guessing. That’s part of the fun and leaves them wanting more.

Be Able to Laugh at Yourself

Whether you have spinach in your teeth or whether you fell down the stairs, if you stop and think about it, it is funny. So laugh and watch how many people warm up to you.

Make “Me Time”

Everyone needs to spend at least half an hour a day by themselves. Meditate, reflect on the day or just relax. It’ll do you a world of good. Deal with all your work beforehand and spend some time by yourself before you turn in, so you can fall asleep and wake up with a sunny, happy aura that others would love to share.

You see, being an attractive person with loads of sex appeal is easy, as long as you remember that it is more about yourself, your happy aura and your confidence than anything else.

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The Top 12 Qualities Men Want in a Woman

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She is family oriented.
Before I get heat from people who say that not everyone is close to their family and that doesn’t make them a bad person or whatever – that goes without saying. Let’s keep in mind that I speak from my own perspective and to me, a woman who values both her and my family is important when considering a long term future. I’m sure most men who someday want a family of their own would agree with me.

She is kindhearted.
I’m not quite sure how to explain this one. I feel like just the word ‘kindhearted’ in itself gets the point across. A woman who is thoughtful. Loving. Caring. Who does small things for you for no other reason that she loves you (as you do for her). A woman who, when she smiles at you, gives you no choice but to smile back. A woman who radiates warmth from her heart. That is a woman a man would want to marry.

She is intellectually challenging.
There is no denying that someone’s looks are what initially draws us to them. It’s difficult to spot a great personality from across the room. Many a fling was built on physical attraction alone, but how long can it last?

When conversations lack depth or intrigue, we often fill our time with physical activity together, but it is impossible to build a real connection or lasting relationship with someone on that alone. Being intellectually challenging and having the ability to hold real discussions about meaningful topics, will always trump shallow beauty in the long run.

She is understanding and empathetic.
Being compassionate, supportive, and encouraging towards your partner is a huge part of building a successful relationship. Nobody wants a person who is a “Debbie Downer” all the time and will not support them in their endeavors or their times of need. Life is full of challenges that any couple will face together, particularly a married couple. Sometimes men need a shoulder to cry on, too.

She is ambitious.
In addition to supporting and encouraging you pursuing your own goals and dreams, she will have her own as well. A mature woman has a vision for her future and chases after it with voracity.

A mature woman will be someone you can take on the world with. A partner in crime, a teammate in your relationship, and in life.

She is consistent.
Being consistent is a valuable virtue because it lets your partner know that you really are who you are. You haven’t sent your “representative” to get to know them during the first couple of months of dating, but then suddenly transform once they’ve committed themselves to you.

To clarify the point, think of consistency as the opposite of volatility. If someone is unpredictable and volatile, it’s difficult to know how they will be acting towards you on a certain day, and that gets old no matter how aesthetically pleasing she is.

She is willing to put in effort for you.
I am all about giving in relationships. I believe seeing your significant other happy should also make you happy – but it is important to understand that it goes both ways.

Her putting in effort doesn’t have to be much. It can be something as simple as slipping the waiter her debit card to pay for dinner. It’s no secret that sometimes the romance wears off of longer term relationships, but you shouldn’t let it – and neither should she.

If a woman continues to do what she knows attracted you in the first place, even after she got you a long time ago, it shows she cares about keeping you around.

Side note: Equally as important is to make sure both teammates always show the other their appreciation for this effort. Feeling taken for granted can easily lead to resentment and other negative results in a relationship.

She holds similar values as you.
This is often an extension of the family-oriented point in the beginning, because many times our value system comes from our upbringing. The things we find important (or not), the things we believe in strongly (or not), the way we treat others, and ourselves. It doesn’t matter how attracted you are to someone or even how well you get along, if your values don’t align, you will always be clashing in the long term.

Physical attractiveness.
Sorry, but it has to be said. The good news is, every man is attracted to a different type of woman and has his own personal tastes. Meaning, I am in no way suggesting a woman has to fit a certain image of ‘beauty’ in order to be considered ‘wife material.’ But, as is true for both men and women, there needs to be a physical attraction between two partners to kick off a relationship, which also plays an important part in holding it together.

She is friendly and sociable.
I know, at least for me, I enjoy being social and I love having my girlfriend by my side. So, naturally, we will find ourselves together out at events or even just bumping into people at a restaurant or bar. No man wants to be worried about the attitude his girlfriend or wife is going to give to the friend he is trying to introduce her to. He doesn’t want her to turn up her nose or be short with them – it is important that as his teammate in life, she is his teammate in all areas of life.

It is important for a couple to be able to be playful and joke around with each other. It helps lighten the mood, makes extended periods of time together more fun, and laughing together never gets old.

She is loving and affectionate.
This is more of a bonus point. It may not need to be said, because a few of the points above just direct back to someone being loving in general, anyway. But, I think it’s important to state just the same.

For me, affection is important. Holding hands, hugs, just being physically close together. It symbolizes a connection. It’s a warm, loving feeling, and I would have a hard time building a long-term relationship with a woman who shrugs off your arm when you put it around her or always feels ‘separate’ from me.

Needless to say, every man likely has a different ‘checklist’ for what he is looking for in the woman that he would consider potentially making his wife someday, but my instinct tells me one would be hard-pressed to find a guy who didn’t agree with the points listed here.

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