By Our Reporter
Some of the stuff may not sit well with some people because it may be adversely mentioning them. I advise you dont read the nonsense if you are sensitive:). We hope somebody soon crafts a foolproof guide to Ugandan men soon.
Foolproof guide to Ugandan women. Enjoy…!?
1) Alice the Alcoholic.
Most of her Facebook statuses are about how she is going to get wasted, got wasted, or missed work coz she slept till midday on a Tuesday. Proudly says how she has a whisky (this lot have long ago graduated to serious drinks not these ma-blackices) gin and tonic or tequila with her lunch. Buys her own drinks, has a nice job, 3 ton chip on her shoulder.
Chances of being a good wife or girlfriend…nil.
2) Betty the Bitter Single Mum.
At every table, in every bar or restaurant in this country, there is a bitter single mum. She casually calls the father of her kid ‘bastard’ and has man issues that would make FIDAs most male bashing lawyer look like a geisha. Men are dogs, she says. Then spends the rest of the night whining how Ugandan men are too insecure they cant date a single mum.
Date-ability depends on how bad her bitterness is.
3) Cathy the Cougar
She may be a feisty Mbarara wife, or a shrubbing farmer from Ntungamo, but increasingly Uganda’s dating scene is becoming the hunting ground for old women with money to burn on young men. Dont be fooled. She only wants you for your body. You aren’t allowed to shag anyone else and must be at her beck and call. If at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday she calls you up and tells you to meet her…you move your f–king A$ chap chap.
Your mum would have a heart attack if she found out you are doing her. Your bank manager would have a heart attack if you stopped doing her.
If you manage to rock her world, she will ask you to marry her. Good luck having any respect in society.
4) Dorothy the Divorcee
Her ex-husband shagged anything in a skirt. Now she is in the market earnestly trying to show him up. Prefers more mature and working men. Your future prospects depend on how much one man’s trash can really be another man’s treasure.
5) Emma Evil
Mean, rude, stingy and unfortunately gorgeous as hell. Knows she is beautiful and thinks that gives her carte blanche to do whatever she likes. Has no concept of guilt or remorse. You wouldnt be surprised if you found a human skull and occult paraphanelia in her wardrobe.
6) Fifi the Freak
She certainly is very…ahem…popular. Goes home with a different guy every Friday and you know at least seven of your pals whom she has been with.
Boss, stay away from this chick, unless you dont mind getting rashes in personal places.
7) Gladys goody-two-shoes.
Every sentence has one of these words; “church, pastor, Bible, salvation, sin, holy, no.” She is the girl with the ankle length skirts, Bible in her handbag, who won’t meet you in a bar coz its a sin, goes for prayer meetings every night and carries anointing oil with her.
Unless you are actually a committed christian man looking for a wife, stay away from her or risk being struck by lightening.
8) Harriet the Hustler
We all know at least one chick like this. She is always on her phone, talking in machine-gun speed vernacular doing deals about plots, chicken or farm produce. Can sell you anything you want from a car to a tractor to a sack of potatoes in Kabale. Just give her five minutes and some airtime.
Annoying as girlfriends but this lot make better wives, as long as you know that while cheating is forgiveable, losing her money is not.
9)Immaculate, who is anything but immaculate.
Spent her early 20s living it up, being shagged by politicians and musicians. Now in her late 20s/early 30s she is turning a new leaf and is looking for a husband. She has changed all her friends, uses her middle name so that her former identity doesn’t get discovered, joined a conservative church and is practicing secondary virginity.
We all have a past, so if you are a mature and forgiving, understanding man…date her. But most men are shallow hypocrites who run for the hills when they find out she was once sexetary to the cabinet.
10) Jane the Joker
28 years old. No job. No income. Lives with her parents. Didn’t finish University, is always doing some weird short courses. Has no drive but drives a souped up car. Thinks daddy will always be there to provide.
Wants a rich man to make her his housewife. Doesn’t cook, clean or talk to poor people.
11) Kate from Fort Portal
Snobbery in designer jeans. Kate only mixes within ‘her social class’. Prefers Twitter to Facebook and tells you to your face that she rejected your friend request “coz we just work together, I mean, its not like we are friend friends. But we can still do email.” Your car must be German, clothes Italian and she will not show up if the restaurant isn’t Japanese or Turkish.
Date her if you are old money. You may get away with being new money so long as its a lot of new money.
12) Laura Loud-Mouth
Gossips like a fishmonger’s wife. Everything and aything you tell her will soon be public knowledge. Has a loud annoying voice, loud annoying laugh and only an idiot would date her let alone marry her. Has no real friends, loves being the centre of attention and conversation. Is a pathological liar.
13) Moody Molly
One minute she is all rainbows and butterflies, the next she is a tsunami of anger and tears. Her extreme mood swings scare you and you instinctively move back slightly if she has a knife, even if its a bread knife in a restaurant.
14) Nelly the clingy Nag
She calls you at 6 to say good morning. At 8 to find out if you got to work okay. Sends you three texts, writes on your wall and calls you twice before lunch. She always wants to be with you and gives you annoying pet names. Goes ballistic or naggy when you say you cant see her.
15) Sally Shagzmodo
‘Wow djon, ndhis is a ravry les-toe-lant.’ Hotter than a Somalia summer, you try and ignore the mother tongue interference, accent and weird perfume. You focus on the hourglass figure, flawless skin and hope to heaven that she wont ask the waiter if she can have some ugali rather than spaghetti with her meatballs.
16) Tanya Too-Good-To-Be-True
She cooks like a chef, has a hot figure, sharp mind and good sense of humour. She loves football and rugby, your boys like her, your family adores her and ever since you met her your life has been perfect. Extensive background checks have revealed nothing untoward about her past, she comes from a good-normal family, is loving and will make a great wife and mother.
Run. This chick will sacrifice you to some idol somewhere in Mabira forest.
17) Vivian the Virgin
After being in single school all through high school and university, Vivian has decided she now wants to taste the forbidden fruit. But only if you are going to marry her. As in, you have met her parents and started brideprice negotiations.
She talks about marriage on the first date.
18) Wendy the Wannabe
Wendy name drops, has Facebook pictures of her with famous people and is constantly looking for the next celebrity event or club opening. Within two minutes of meeting you she has already asked what you drive,where you live and where you work. If you answer you don’t have a car, live in Kikumi Kikumi and are tarmacking she will sneer, despite the fact that all three are true for her as well.
Yasmin is a Muslim. She may even wear a buibui. But when she comes over to your house she drinks alcohol and eats pork. No pun intended. Okay, pun intended. She wont be seen with you in public and if her dad finds out an infidel has taken the fidelity of his daughter there will be a fatwa and jihad on your A$.
Marrying her means changing religions.
20) Zipporah the rasta
Listens exclusively to Bobi Wine, knows every matatu on their home route down to the specifications of the music system. When you suggest watching Karate Kid at the cinema she tells you not to waste 15K, you can get a dvd of it for 1 bob, buy some nyama and napoleon brandy and watch it at home.
You dont know whether to be happy or sad.
Ugandan Millenials are Ghosting out of Relationships
By Staff Writer
Gone are the days when boyfriends and girlfriends would sit down and agree to end a relationship. Now, Ugandan millenials have changed the trends. They are just ghosting.
According to research, Ugandan couples no longer suffer with breakup lines. “He simply stops talking to you. He stops replying your messages. Then you just figure out that the relationship is done,” says one of the victims of ghosting.
According to older generations, ghosting is a cowardly way of ending relationships. But it turns out millenials are also ghosting at jobs. “You employ them, they work for some months then they just stop showing up. Next thing you know they moved on to another job. It is unprofessional,” says a human resource director.
Let us hear from you. Have you been ghosted? Have you ghosted before?
How to Attract the Opposite Sex Effortlessly
Do you want to know how you can become more attractive to the opposite gender and catch all the attention? Grooming tips and great clothes can make you look good, but to be attractive to others around you requires something completely different. Find out here.
Nothing is as attractive as someone who is completely comfortable with the way they look and who they are. Believe in yourself and that you are worth everything that comes your way.
View the glass as half full. Compliment and remind yourself to do it and you’ll see the results in no time. The ability to see the good in everything not only makes your life easier, it gives a spring in your step and adds to your charm.
Forget about your diet at least one day in a week and treat yourself to some creamy Belgian dark chocolate ice cream. Step out from under your umbrella and dance in the rain. The ability to let loose and not worry about the reactions of others makes you shine.
Keep an Active Social Life
We are, as a species, social in nature. We love to be with our fellow humans and take great pleasure in social groups, so throw off those comfy tracks and go out no matter how tired or lazy you feel. Once you get there, the fatigue will vanish, leaving you with a sparkle in your eye. Seeing someone having fun with their friends is hot!
Don’t Think About the Competition
It’ll just bring you down. People tend to underestimate themselves, which is good in a few ways, but always keep in mind that you have a few traits that no one else has, and this sets you apart.
It’s scientifically proven that smiling and laughing release endorphins that make you feel happier. Not only does it give you a mood booster but it makes you look more approachable and not intimidating in the least, so people will be more open to coming up to you.
You have to leave the opposite gender guessing. That’s part of the fun and leaves them wanting more.
Be Able to Laugh at Yourself
Whether you have spinach in your teeth or whether you fell down the stairs, if you stop and think about it, it is funny. So laugh and watch how many people warm up to you.
Make “Me Time”
Everyone needs to spend at least half an hour a day by themselves. Meditate, reflect on the day or just relax. It’ll do you a world of good. Deal with all your work beforehand and spend some time by yourself before you turn in, so you can fall asleep and wake up with a sunny, happy aura that others would love to share.
You see, being an attractive person with loads of sex appeal is easy, as long as you remember that it is more about yourself, your happy aura and your confidence than anything else.
The Top 12 Qualities Men Want in a Woman
She is family oriented.
Before I get heat from people who say that not everyone is close to their family and that doesn’t make them a bad person or whatever – that goes without saying. Let’s keep in mind that I speak from my own perspective and to me, a woman who values both her and my family is important when considering a long term future. I’m sure most men who someday want a family of their own would agree with me.
She is kindhearted.
I’m not quite sure how to explain this one. I feel like just the word ‘kindhearted’ in itself gets the point across. A woman who is thoughtful. Loving. Caring. Who does small things for you for no other reason that she loves you (as you do for her). A woman who, when she smiles at you, gives you no choice but to smile back. A woman who radiates warmth from her heart. That is a woman a man would want to marry.
She is intellectually challenging.
There is no denying that someone’s looks are what initially draws us to them. It’s difficult to spot a great personality from across the room. Many a fling was built on physical attraction alone, but how long can it last?
When conversations lack depth or intrigue, we often fill our time with physical activity together, but it is impossible to build a real connection or lasting relationship with someone on that alone. Being intellectually challenging and having the ability to hold real discussions about meaningful topics, will always trump shallow beauty in the long run.
She is understanding and empathetic.
Being compassionate, supportive, and encouraging towards your partner is a huge part of building a successful relationship. Nobody wants a person who is a “Debbie Downer” all the time and will not support them in their endeavors or their times of need. Life is full of challenges that any couple will face together, particularly a married couple. Sometimes men need a shoulder to cry on, too.
She is ambitious.
In addition to supporting and encouraging you pursuing your own goals and dreams, she will have her own as well. A mature woman has a vision for her future and chases after it with voracity.
A mature woman will be someone you can take on the world with. A partner in crime, a teammate in your relationship, and in life.
She is consistent.
Being consistent is a valuable virtue because it lets your partner know that you really are who you are. You haven’t sent your “representative” to get to know them during the first couple of months of dating, but then suddenly transform once they’ve committed themselves to you.
To clarify the point, think of consistency as the opposite of volatility. If someone is unpredictable and volatile, it’s difficult to know how they will be acting towards you on a certain day, and that gets old no matter how aesthetically pleasing she is.
She is willing to put in effort for you.
I am all about giving in relationships. I believe seeing your significant other happy should also make you happy – but it is important to understand that it goes both ways.
Her putting in effort doesn’t have to be much. It can be something as simple as slipping the waiter her debit card to pay for dinner. It’s no secret that sometimes the romance wears off of longer term relationships, but you shouldn’t let it – and neither should she.
If a woman continues to do what she knows attracted you in the first place, even after she got you a long time ago, it shows she cares about keeping you around.
Side note: Equally as important is to make sure both teammates always show the other their appreciation for this effort. Feeling taken for granted can easily lead to resentment and other negative results in a relationship.
She holds similar values as you.
This is often an extension of the family-oriented point in the beginning, because many times our value system comes from our upbringing. The things we find important (or not), the things we believe in strongly (or not), the way we treat others, and ourselves. It doesn’t matter how attracted you are to someone or even how well you get along, if your values don’t align, you will always be clashing in the long term.
Sorry, but it has to be said. The good news is, every man is attracted to a different type of woman and has his own personal tastes. Meaning, I am in no way suggesting a woman has to fit a certain image of ‘beauty’ in order to be considered ‘wife material.’ But, as is true for both men and women, there needs to be a physical attraction between two partners to kick off a relationship, which also plays an important part in holding it together.
She is friendly and sociable.
I know, at least for me, I enjoy being social and I love having my girlfriend by my side. So, naturally, we will find ourselves together out at events or even just bumping into people at a restaurant or bar. No man wants to be worried about the attitude his girlfriend or wife is going to give to the friend he is trying to introduce her to. He doesn’t want her to turn up her nose or be short with them – it is important that as his teammate in life, she is his teammate in all areas of life.
It is important for a couple to be able to be playful and joke around with each other. It helps lighten the mood, makes extended periods of time together more fun, and laughing together never gets old.
She is loving and affectionate.
This is more of a bonus point. It may not need to be said, because a few of the points above just direct back to someone being loving in general, anyway. But, I think it’s important to state just the same.
For me, affection is important. Holding hands, hugs, just being physically close together. It symbolizes a connection. It’s a warm, loving feeling, and I would have a hard time building a long-term relationship with a woman who shrugs off your arm when you put it around her or always feels ‘separate’ from me.
Needless to say, every man likely has a different ‘checklist’ for what he is looking for in the woman that he would consider potentially making his wife someday, but my instinct tells me one would be hard-pressed to find a guy who didn’t agree with the points listed here.
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