fbpx
Connect with us

Leader board

Relationships

A Complete Guide To Ugandan Women

Published

on

Find out information about Coronavirus in Uganda. More here.

Women chat

By Our Reporter

Some of the stuff may not sit well with some people because it may be adversely mentioning them. I advise you dont read the nonsense if you are sensitive:). We hope somebody soon crafts a foolproof guide to Ugandan men soon.

Foolproof guide to Ugandan women. Enjoy…!?

1) Alice the Alcoholic.

Most of her Facebook statuses are about how she is going to get wasted, got wasted, or missed work coz she slept till midday on a Tuesday. Proudly says how she has a whisky (this lot have long ago graduated to serious drinks not these ma-blackices) gin and tonic or tequila with her lunch. Buys her own drinks, has a nice job, 3 ton chip on her shoulder.

Chances of being a good wife or girlfriend…nil.

2) Betty the Bitter Single Mum.

At every table, in every bar or restaurant in this country, there is a bitter single mum. She casually calls the father of her kid ‘bastard’ and has man issues that would make FIDAs most male bashing lawyer look like a geisha. Men are dogs, she says. Then spends the rest of the night whining how Ugandan men are too insecure they cant date a single mum.

Date-ability depends on how bad her bitterness is.

3) Cathy the Cougar

She may be a feisty Mbarara wife, or a shrubbing farmer from Ntungamo, but increasingly Uganda’s dating scene is becoming the hunting ground for old women with money to burn on young men. Dont be fooled. She only wants you for your body. You aren’t allowed to shag anyone else and must be at her beck and call. If at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday she calls you up and tells you to meet her…you move your f–king A$ chap chap.

Your mum would have a heart attack if she found out you are doing her. Your bank manager would have a heart attack if you stopped doing her.

If you manage to rock her world, she will ask you to marry her. Good luck having any respect in society.

4) Dorothy the Divorcee

Her ex-husband shagged anything in a skirt. Now she is in the market earnestly trying to show him up. Prefers more mature and working men. Your future prospects depend on how much one man’s trash can really be another man’s treasure.

5) Emma Evil

Mean, rude, stingy and unfortunately gorgeous as hell. Knows she is beautiful and thinks that gives her carte blanche to do whatever she likes. Has no concept of guilt or remorse. You wouldnt be surprised if you found a human skull and occult paraphanelia in her wardrobe.

6) Fifi the Freak

She certainly is very…ahem…popular. Goes home with a different guy every Friday and you know at least seven of your pals whom she has been with.

Boss, stay away from this chick, unless you dont mind getting rashes in personal places.

7) Gladys goody-two-shoes.

Every sentence has one of these words; “church, pastor, Bible, salvation, sin, holy, no.” She is the girl with the ankle length skirts, Bible in her handbag, who won’t meet you in a bar coz its a sin, goes for prayer meetings every night and carries anointing oil with her.

Unless you are actually a committed christian man looking for a wife, stay away from her or risk being struck by lightening.

8) Harriet the Hustler

We all know at least one chick like this. She is always on her phone, talking in machine-gun speed vernacular doing deals about plots, chicken or farm produce. Can sell you anything you want from a car to a tractor to a sack of potatoes in Kabale. Just give her five minutes and some airtime.

Annoying as girlfriends but this lot make better wives, as long as you know that while cheating is forgiveable, losing her money is not.

9)Immaculate, who is anything but immaculate.

Spent her early 20s living it up, being shagged by politicians and musicians. Now in her late 20s/early 30s she is turning a new leaf and is looking for a husband. She has changed all her friends, uses her middle name so that her former identity doesn’t get discovered, joined a conservative church and is practicing secondary virginity.

We all have a past, so if you are a mature and forgiving, understanding man…date her. But most men are shallow hypocrites who run for the hills when they find out she was once sexetary to the cabinet.

10) Jane the Joker

28 years old. No job. No income. Lives with her parents. Didn’t finish University, is always doing some weird short courses. Has no drive but drives a souped up car. Thinks daddy will always be there to provide.

Wants a rich man to make her his housewife. Doesn’t cook, clean or talk to poor people.

11) Kate from Fort Portal

Snobbery in designer jeans. Kate only mixes within ‘her social class’. Prefers Twitter to Facebook and tells you to your face that she rejected your friend request “coz we just work together, I mean, its not like we are friend friends. But we can still do email.” Your car must be German, clothes Italian and she will not show up if the restaurant isn’t Japanese or Turkish.

Date her if you are old money. You may get away with being new money so long as its a lot of new money.

12) Laura Loud-Mouth

Gossips like a fishmonger’s wife. Everything and aything you tell her will soon be public knowledge. Has a loud annoying voice, loud annoying laugh and only an idiot would date her let alone marry her. Has no real friends, loves being the centre of attention and conversation. Is a pathological liar.

13) Moody Molly

One minute she is all rainbows and butterflies, the next she is a tsunami of anger and tears. Her extreme mood swings scare you and you instinctively move back slightly if she has a knife, even if its a bread knife in a restaurant.

14) Nelly the clingy Nag

She calls you at 6 to say good morning. At 8 to find out if you got to work okay. Sends you three texts, writes on your wall and calls you twice before lunch. She always wants to be with you and gives you annoying pet names. Goes ballistic or naggy when you say you cant see her.

15) Sally Shagzmodo

‘Wow djon, ndhis is a ravry les-toe-lant.’ Hotter than a Somalia summer, you try and ignore the mother tongue interference, accent and weird perfume. You focus on the hourglass figure, flawless skin and hope to heaven that she wont ask the waiter if she can have some ugali rather than spaghetti with her meatballs.

16) Tanya Too-Good-To-Be-True

She cooks like a chef, has a hot figure, sharp mind and good sense of humour. She loves football and rugby, your boys like her, your family adores her and ever since you met her your life has been perfect. Extensive background checks have revealed nothing untoward about her past, she comes from a good-normal family, is loving and will make a great wife and mother.

Run. This chick will sacrifice you to some idol somewhere in Mabira forest.

17) Vivian the Virgin

After being in single school all through high school and university, Vivian has decided she now wants to taste the forbidden fruit. But only if you are going to marry her. As in, you have met her parents and started brideprice negotiations.

She talks about marriage on the first date.

18) Wendy the Wannabe

Wendy name drops, has Facebook pictures of her with famous people and is constantly looking for the next celebrity event or club opening. Within two minutes of meeting you she has already asked what you drive,where you live and where you work. If you answer you don’t have a car, live in Kikumi Kikumi and are tarmacking she will sneer, despite the fact that all three are true for her as well.

19) Yasmin

Yasmin is a Muslim. She may even wear a buibui. But when she comes over to your house she drinks alcohol and eats pork. No pun intended. Okay, pun intended. She wont be seen with you in public and if her dad finds out an infidel has taken the fidelity of his daughter there will be a fatwa and jihad on your A$.

Marrying her means changing religions.

20) Zipporah the rasta

Listens exclusively to Bobi Wine, knows every matatu on their home route down to the specifications of the music system. When you suggest watching Karate Kid at the cinema she tells you not to waste 15K, you can get a dvd of it for 1 bob, buy some nyama and napoleon brandy and watch it at home.

You dont know whether to be happy or sad.

Loading...
(Visited 1 time, 1 visit today)

Celebrity Gossip

Hajji Haruna Mubiru Stuck In Domestic Violence Accusations

Published

on

Find out information about Coronavirus in Uganda. More here.

By BigEyeUg Team; Kream Production CEO Hajji Haruna Mubiru is drowning in deep waters after being landed into domestic accusations by fellow singer, at the same time girlfriend Kemirembe Sarah aka Kemi Sera.

According to Kemi Sera, she was blindfolded by the extreme intimacy that Hajji Haruna bathed her during their relationship infant stages not until when everything overturned over out of the blue.

The ‘Malala’ singer reveals that Haruna acts inflicted deep pain on her as it prompted her to resort to alcoholism, something she had never opted for in her entire life.

Women are like babies; its easy to lie to us. When a man says he loves you, you see like you have reached, you can’t even think about the time of breakup. Haruna used to beat me up, he used to accuse me for sleeping with other men, made up many fake stories about me, he hurt me a lot and it even pushed me into drinking alcohol,” Kemi said.

Hajji Haruna Mubiru and Kemi Sera

She is also worried of Haruna’s status of being older, popular, rich and more established than her because this might cover up her reality story from public attention and help if any.

 “I have been Hajji Haruna’s wife but not anymore, just know I started that relationship with someone who is much older, popular, rich and established than me, so I had to fight a lot for myself.” she adds.

Sera thinks maybe Haruna’s decision to dump her might have been made after her getting an accident that got her badly injured in her entire body.

He dumped me when I got an accident, I don’t know, maybe he saw that I wasn’t looking beautiful anymore or my face wasn’t that appealing. I really don’t know,” she further states.

Kemi Sera’s sustained injuries after nasty accident.

Kemi is in line of female celebrities such as Anita Da Diva, Weasel’s girl-friend Talia Kassim among others that are good victims of domestic violence.

Apparently, Kemi Sera is seeking for help from prominent herbalist Maama Fiina after accumulating rent arrears that may lead her from being evicted from her house.

The two have often denied having an affair until now when Kemi Sera is accusing her former music boss of brutalizing their bedroom matters.

We will keep you posted

Loading...
(Visited 1 time, 1 visit today)
Continue Reading

Celebrity Gossip

Galaxy FM’s Prim Asiimwe Heaps Up Love Praises For Hubby Alex Muhangi

Published

on

Find out information about Coronavirus in Uganda. More here.

By BigEyeUg Team; When we talk about one of the most silent celebrity couples in Uganda is that of fabled comedian Alex Muhangi and radio personality Prim Asiimwe.

Trust me, the two have overly expressed nothing like love nimiety in public like its fond-of majority of the celebrity couples.

However, for the first time in public, the Galaxy FM radio presenter has showered the Comedy Store Uganda CEO with praises for being the best man of her dreams.

Speaking at a local TV interview, Prim consented Alex as a responsible, hardworking and darling husband in their relationship journey.

He is a loving, caring, and calm man. He often spends most of his time home trying to improve his work and family. Alex has never disappointed and disrespected me but instead lit my life,” said Prim.

Alex Muhangi and lover Prim Asiimwe

It should also be noted that ever since the Slim-penciled radio presenter graduated from Cavendish University with a Degree in Journalism and Mass Communication, she has been promised a double dowry by the husband.

The two are smoothly strolling a six-years relationship with only one child blending their love.

What a lovely couple this is!

Loading...
(Visited 1 time, 1 visit today)
Continue Reading

Celebrity Gossip

I Undress My Bra When Am With Chosen Blood – Winnie Nwagi Confesses

Published

on

Find out information about Coronavirus in Uganda. More here.

By BigEyeUg Team; Ugandan bootylicious songstress, Winnie Nwagi has finally opened-up what continuously keeps her down-to-the-wire with male singer Chosen Blood.

In her latest social media post, the ‘Jangu’ has not taken it lightly as she confessed her feelings being uncontrolled to a “bra-off” extent whenever she gets close to Chosen.

“How can I be with him and I put on a bra?” wrote Winnie Nwagi.

Winnie Nwagi and Chosen Blood

The ‘Yitayo’ singers have overly been spotted in cozy sessions despite insisting with unclear remarks regarding their relationship until today when Nwagi pulled out a master card on it.

Can we be contented that it’s merely a bra-off affair? well we shall keep you posted incase their intimacy unfolds.

Loading...
(Visited 1 time, 1 visit today)
Continue Reading

Celebrity Gossip

Fille: I Quietly Lived An Abusive Relationship

Published

on

Find out information about Coronavirus in Uganda. More here.

By BigEyeUg Team; Songstress Fille Mutoni’s longtime hidden love story continues to sink pain deeper in hearts of majority of the public.

This has greatly ruined morale and hope for fresh couples in love as they come to realize that her song ‘Fall in love again’ was based on a true story.

One of the most tearful bit is when she unmasks prolonged domestic violence from her baby daddy MC Kats despite her refuting to open up to any authority or relative.

Fille Mutoni

Fille says one of the reasons as why she would never forgive the NBS TV presenter is violating her rights as a woman and disrespecting her amidst all the pain she holds as the mother of his daughter.

She also promised to bare the sweat and responsibility of her daughter until she grows up.

However, MC Kats has since paid a deaf ear to Fille’s allegations to date.

We will keep you posted

Loading...
(Visited 1 time, 1 visit today)
Continue Reading
Loading...

Facebook

WHAT YOU MISSED

%d bloggers like this: