When we break up with someone we love, if there’s no clear understanding about why the break up occurred, we’re left trying to figure it out on our own and we struggle with how to move on.
Often, left to our own devices, we make up reasons that are false, self-deprecating and sometimes downright harmful to our future chances of finding love.
Do you need to wallow a bit before you can set the record straight? … It seems so.
According to a new study published in Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences, “most of us will experience an average of three [breakups] by age 30, with at least one affecting us strongly enough that it substantially decreases our quality of life for weeks or months.”
From deep sadness to painful remorse and anxiety about the future, our feelings are often magnified when we also dive into toxic fantasies about what happened, as opposed to the FACTS around why the relationship really ended the way it did.
Looking back on the situation with emotional eyes means that often, you won’t remember what really happened. You remember him being kinder or gentler than he really was. Or you recall her being more supportive or loving than she really was.
The end result is a fantasy scenario created around “the one who got away”. And we all know people who are still hung up on some shlep who actually did them wrong (usually an ex not even worthy of their love).
So, how can you snap back to reality, see things as they are and finally move on?
We took this question to Experts to share their best advice. First, we have anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher. Dr. Fisher has been researching and writing about the biology of love for years. She’s joined by psychologist Dr. Alicia Clark, counselor Marta Rocha and psychologist Dr. Foojan Zeine. Each of these ladies shares on the video her best tips for getting to the truth and the heart about what it’s like to live and long for an old relationship or a fantasy about an ex.
According to our Experts, it’s no easy task. But, there are ways to shift your story from one with a desperate and sad ending to one where, perhaps, your ex leaving was truly a good thing.
The heart of the discussion leads to one central theme — to live an adult life, you must own up to your rose-colored version of your past AND your ex.
Yes, sometimes an ex is a great person who slipped through your fingers. But more often than not, the past is in the past for a reason.
If you’re trapped there, the only way out is to uncover the truth about why your relationship ended and why it belongs in the past. So that even if you do find a way back to your ex, there’s hope for a new version of your story.
Source: Yourtango.com
