However, the reality of dating a friend’s former beau is often way more messy and complicated than a season of How I Met Your Motherwould suggest. When friends date other friends’ exes, it’s much more likely to end in a fiery blaze of disaster, than in the swapping of humorous anecdotes at the local watering hole.
Luckily, I’ve never found myself in this predicament. Unspoken “girl code” or not, my best friend and I have such differing taste in men that the thought of either of us dating each other’s exes seems absurdly comical. However, go on Reddit’s relationship page or browse through any advice column and you’re sure to find stories from people who are either contemplating dating a friend’s ex, are heartbroken because someone is dating theirs, or are dealing with the fallout of either situation.
As you get older, the dating pool can start to feel more limited, however is it ever ok to hook up with the former object of your friend’s affection? Before you make a move, here are a few questions to ask yourself:
1. How close is the friendship?
Are they one of your closest confidants or merely a good acquaintance? If you’re not particularly close, you may have a bit more leeway here when it comes to dating their ex (for example, if you’ve only met a few times and now they’re one of your 1245 Facebook “friends,” you’re probably safe). However, the closer the friendship, the more cautious you have to be. Dating your friend’s ex – especially if there are unresolved feelings – has to potential to implode even the best of friendships. It’s possible your friend will be left feeling hurt and betrayed, like the terms of the friendship have been violated. Are you willing to take that risk?
2. What was the nature and length of their relationship?
How serious was their relationship? Did they date for a few weeks or a few years (or decades)? Was it just a fling or a hook up? Although there are some exes I would be happy to see date one of my friends (I’ve dated a few really great guys that are lovely human beings, but with whom I had zero chemistry with), I’d feel really unsettled if a good friend started dating a serious ex-boyfriend of mine. However, beware that even brief, casual relationships can lead to messy, unresolved feelings. If you’re not sure how your friend feels about their former object of lust, gently ask. If there are still feelings there of any kind, it’s best to stay away.
3. Why did their relationship end (really)?
Depending on who initiated the break up and how much heartbreak was involved, this could impact how receptive your friend is to you dating their ex. Also, it’s good to know some background of why they broke up. Was there abuse on either side? Cheating? Substance issues? Do they hate the Beatles?! Learning about why they didn’t work as couple will help you make a more informed decision as to whether you really want to risk dating this person. Do your research. After all, what’s the point in compromising a friendship if the person you’re dating is going to scoff at your framed John Lennon print?
4. Are you prepared for the friendship to change, or worse, end altogether?
At the very least, things might get a little awkward between you and your friend. However, are you prepared for the friendship to end? Although I believe in true love, fate and going after what you want, I also know that the hurt and fallout from break up with a good friend can be even more painful and long lasting than that of a failed romantic relationship. Who is more important, your bestie or a potential new partner? Because contrary to what TV would have us believe, when you date your friend’s ex, not everything gets wrapped up neatly at the end of 22 minutes over a beer at MacLaren’s.
Source: torontosun.com
