We’ve had major debates around the office over whether sex in a car is raunchy and exciting, or been-there-done-that-in-high-school. But what we didn’t get to discussing were other questionably hot sex acts, like road head, playing with chocolate sauce and sex in the shower. Are these things real-life turn-ons or are they more trouble than they’re worth? Here’s what we decided is really just hot on paper — but not in real life.
10. Using Mirrors
Mirrors enable us to replicate part of the voyeurism of pornography in the bedroom, and in theory, that sounds great, but rather than focusing on how great your partner looks, chances are you’ll be thinking about all the many excuses you came up with to skip the gym or indulge in that late-night snack. And that is a very quick way to kill the mood.
9. Shower Sex
Shower sex is surprisingly difficult to pull off. To begin with, most people don’t have very large showers, so the easiest positions for penetration are impossible. You both, inevitably, have to stand, which is surprisingly exhausting and un-sexy. And then there’s the small matter of you slipping and falling, mid-thrust, and waking up in a hospital with a concussion. Ever seen any statistics on how many people die in showers every year? Proceed with caution. And whatever you do, don’t let the water go cold…
8. Hot-Tub Sex
For whatever reason, hot tubs scream sex. Maybe it’s because in movies they’re often the spot where orgies originate. But here’s what to expect: uncomfortable hot water that is a breeding ground for bacteria; awkward fumbling to get into position and avoid the jet streams; and a messy, messy aftermath that will have you jumping out of the water faster than a shark sighting.
7. Massage Oil
Another common fantasy, especially for those who have had a professional massage, involves incorporating massage oil. It gives the body a nice sheen, makes everything slick and reduces friction. Sounds great, right? Unfortunately, it also tastes awful, makes you feel as if you’ve been sweating in a sauna and creates extremely awkward “fapping” sounds every time body parts collide. Oh, and there’s a very good chance that you’ll accidentally buy a “warming” massage oil, which will feel like liquid lava on your more sensitive parts.
6. Beach Sex
This one is a stereotypical fantasy. There’s just something romantic about having sex on the beach, your romp lit only by the stars above. The trouble is sand. Sand gets everywhere. Everywhere! And sand creates friction, and friction ruins sex. Imagine rubbing your penis against sandpaper, and you’ll see why this one is better left to the imagination.
5. Making A Sex Tape
Oh, sure, you’ve always fancied yourself a bit of a performer. How hard could it be, having sex with beautiful women on camera? Why not make your own and prove yourself capable? And the truth is, it’s all fun and games during the actual filming. The trouble comes later on, either when you’re forced to actually see yourself having sex — a turn-off if ever there was one — or when the relationship ends and your video somehow, some way, ends up on the internet for all to see. Don’t think it could happen to you? No one does, but sites like YouPorn.com sure are popular, aren’t they?
4. Playing With Chocolate Sauce
I had a friend in college. Let’s call him Jim (his real name is Jim). Jim loved two things in life: sex and chocolate. And one day Jim decided to indulge in both his pleasures and convinced his girlfriend to go along. He went to a late-night convenience store and bought a jar of chocolate sauce and proceeded to have sticky, chocolatey sex with his girlfriend. And all was well in the world. That is, until the next day, when he and his girlfriend both got food poisoning from eating expired chocolate sauce.
3. 69
This one at least makes sense. You and your lady friend both enjoy the pleasures of great oral sex, so why not save on time and kill two birds with one stone? The problem is, instead of doubling your pleasure, you’re both going to give half-assed performances marked by lapses in concentration and severe neck pain.
2. Road Head
I’m not quite sure where the allure of road head comes from; men seemingly love to get a blowjob during any activity, so why not while driving? Because it’s many times more distracting than texting, that’s why. Leave aside the very real possibility that, in a moment of ecstasy, you lose control of your car and injure another human being. You’ll be lucky if your penis escapes without bite marks. And if that’s not enough to make you think twice, consider how you’ll fill out your insurance claim.
1. Sex In A Car
Like many of the sex acts on this list, you might want to try this one at least once, if only for the reward of novelty. And like all of the sex acts on this list, things could go very well. You might be driving along with your lady friend and spontaneously decide to pull over to the side of a deserted road for a moment of passion. But from the moment you both enter that cramped back seat and spend minutes fumbling for the best position, you’ll come to see the difference between fact and fiction. There is no comfortable way to have sex in a car, unless you happen to drive a tank, or a $500,000 Bentley. Worse still, the better the sex, the more likely you won’t see the cop — until he’s tapping on your window.
Source: AskMen
