By Ian Ortega
And in the typical Museveni fashion, he has issued more SEXUAL REGULATIONS.
1.Blow job is illegal. Your mouth is not a toilet. You are therefore forbidden to transform your mouth into some kind of toilet by allowing all kind of genitals in it. If You must blow, blow your nose.
2. 69 is a number. A simple mathematical number. And it should remain so. It belongs to classrooms, NOT bedrooms.
3. It is wrong to be TURNED ON. You are not an electric switch. Only an electric switch should be turned on. Not a human being. Know your roles.
4. MOANING should STOP. Not unless you are moaning the loss of a relative at a funeral. Otherwise any other kind of moaning is highly outlawed. Especially in Bedrooms.
5. Every Ugandan is entitled to 5MBs ONLY per day. Excess data bundles will tempt you to visit pornographic sites. No Ugandan should purchase more than 5 MBs. If You need more, please register with the Kampala C.I.D Department first.
6. Your Whatsapp conversations MUST be conducted in GROUPS of 10. No private Whatsapp conversations. You must identify 10 mutual friends, create a Whatsapp Group and join it. And every group MUST include atleast ONE police officer.We must see what kind of photos you are exchanging.
7. Ladies,you are FORBIDDEN to be wet around your man NOT UNLESS you are washing his clothes, cooking for him or rinsing rice.
8. Men,you are forbidden to ask a random girl to “send you pics”. And Ladies, if any man wants pics, The Ugandan Law requires you to send him pictures of Government Developments in your constituency.
9. All SOCIALITES must get a certificate of Good Conduct from the Kampala C.I.D Headquarters before posting photos on Instagram.
10. Twerking is ILLEGAL. And if you must twerk, you must first deposit U$h.2,500 to the National Bank of Uganda. And as you twerk, you must make sure that your ass is atleast 1 meter away from the ground.
11. The official Ugandan position is Missionary position. Any other position is American and currently, America is our number one enemy! Missionary is also good because it will be our simple way of saying ”thankyou” to Missionaries who brought the Gospel to Us.
12. The Ugandan Intelligence Service has learnt that any chemist selling Viagra is being funded by the West to overthrow the Government. So, all Chemists are put on a serious Government notice. And Viagra has been declared a National threat.
13. The Ugandan National Football team MUST be amended. Its unacceptable that a bunch of 11 men can be running after one another, falling over one another, hugging one another in public and locking themselves up in one room to change. From today, the Uganda Football team must include 2 women. Preferably police officers. With guns. And ALL FOOTBALL matches must be played in the nearest police station.
14. And finally, all men and women should be on www.bigeye.ug or else they will be accused of homosexual tendencies.
“[katogoaward]”