1. “That was the best!”
And sometimes it is. But most of the time it was just OK or pretty good, but I’m really happy you seemed to be having such a cool time! I, on the other hand, have compiled this list of notes I took while I was waiting for it to be over, if you’d like to see them for future reference.
2. “Oh yes, I totally had an orgasm!”
While I will always advise against lying about this, mostly because I’m a big supporter of a girl’s right to be able to tell the guy, “That did not work! Do it again!” sometimes I have lied. Why? Because I knew it would never get good, because I wanted you to leave, because I’m tired, because I don’t care to explain why it was bad. And sometimes I just want the person to leave so I can eat pizza.
3. “Of course things won’t be weird now.”
“No, this hasn’t done irreparable damage to our friendship! No, I’m not gonna be super weird around you every time I see you in class/at work/doing yoga three rows in front of me. Why would you think that? Because it’s true? Yeah, that’s a good reason.”
4. “Really? I didn’t even notice a scar.”
“You have an odd physical deformity in the shape of a very small pineapple and it’s the color of my old Honda Accord? No, I didn’t even see that, what with all the passion happening!”
5. “That thing you said during sex wasn’t weird at all.”
This is most often communicated by lying silently in bed so he thinks that everything is A-OK, as the words “Give it to me, daddy” run through my head because he said them, not me.
6. “Oh no, I wasn’t embarrassed.”
“I am not at all mortified by the weird sound my body made/the weird sound your body made. Hey, do I look like the type of person who gets easily freaked out by weird sounds and has to go to the bathroom for a while because uh, I just do and also because I need to breathe into a paper bag and text everyone I know because seriously, what was that sound??”
7. “That’s so crazy. I had no idea I had my period.”
Oh, I knew. I knew.
8. “Yeah, I’d love to have sex again immediately!”
“Honestly it hasn’t even occurred to me that the new season of New Girl just started and I have a few episodes to catch up on and my whole body feels weird and also there is cake in my fridge. More sex is all I am thinking of!”
Source: Graphic Online
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