By Gênêräl Swêêtmän
1. Alice the Alcoholic. Most of her facebook statuses are about how she is going to get wasted, how she got wasted, or how she missed work because she slept till midday. This babe can proudly say how she is taking a Bell lager at any time!
2. Jane the Joker. She’s 28 years old, has no job and no income. She lives with her parents. She didn’t finish University; she’s always doing some weird short courses. Thinks daddy will always be there to provide. She wants a rich man to make her his housewife. Doesn’t cook, clean or talk to poor people.
3. Laura the Loud-Mouth. She Gossips like a fishmonger’s wife. She can’t keep a secret; she has a loud annoying voice and laughter. She has no real friends. Only an idiot would date such a babe but not a guy like me, Sweetman.
4. Gloria the clingy nag. She calls you at 2am just to say “I love you”, then calls at 6am just to say good morning. At 8am she again calls just to find out whether you got to work well. Sends you three love texts, writes on your wall and calls you twice before lunch. She always wants to be with you. She goes ballistic or becomes nagged when you say you are unable to see her.
5. Milly the Moody. Her mood swings change from time to time; One minute she is all rainbows and butterflies, the next minute she is a tsunami. If you see her with a knife, kindly move away even if it is a bread knife in the restaurant!
6. Vivian the Virgin. After being in S.U all through her High School and the University, Vivian has decided she now wants to taste the forbidden fruit. But only if you are going to marry her, as in you must have met her parents and started bride price negotiations. She talks about marriage on the first date.
7. Kate the one who wears designer jeans. Kate only mixes within ‘her social classes’. Prefers twitter to facebook and tells you face to face that she rejected your friend request because you work together, she sees you everyday and so no need of being friend on the social network. She hates going to the village, she always spends her holidays in Kampala. Date her if you are Old Money.
8. Natukunda the hot temper (I rav you my rav). This one is hotter than a Bunsen burner. Just try to ignore her “R” accent and weird perfume. Just focus on the hourglass figure, flawless skin and hope she doesn’t catch you while staring at her!
9. Fifi the Freak. She is certainly is very popular. Goes home with a different guy every Friday and you know at least seven of your pals whom she has been with. If your are man, just stay away from this chic, unless you don’t mind getting rashes in your Southern Department, I mean in your private parts. Abakazi bwebati nze Sweetman nababuuka!
10. Betty the Bitter Single Mum. Wabula on ye mukambwe, she casually calls the father of her kid ‘bastard’ and has man issues that would make FIDA’s most male lawyer look like a geisha soap. Men are dogs, she says. Then spends the rest of the night whining how Uganda men are too insecure, mbu they can’t date a single mum.
11. Esther the Proud One. She’s evil, mean, rude, stingy and unfortunately gorgeous as hell. She knows she is beautiful and thinks that gives her carte blanche to do whatever she likes. Has no concept of guilt. You wouldn’t be surprised if you found a human skull in her wardrobe.
12. Caroline the Holy One. This babe each of her sentences has atleast one of these words. ” church, pastor, Bible, salvation, sin, holy, NO.” She is the girl with the ankle length skirts, Bible in her handbag, who won’t meet you in a bar because it’s a sin; goes for prayer meetings every night and carries anointing oil with her. Unless you are actually a committed Christian man looking for a wife, stay away from her otherwise you will risk being struck by lightening.
13. Harriet the Hustler. We all know at least one chic like this. She is always on her phone, talking in a machine-gun speed vernacular, doing deals about plots of land, Can sell you anything you want from a car to a tractor. Just give her five minutes and some airtime. She’s annoying as girlfriends, by the way she can make better wife as long as you know that cheating is forgivable while losing her money is not.
14. Wendy the Wannabe. This one has pictures of her on facebook while posing with famous people and she’s constantly looking forward to the next concert or club opening! Within two minutes of meeting you, she has already asked what you drive, where you live and where you work. If you answer you don’t have a car and you work in Owino market, she will sneer despite the fact that all three are true for her as well.
15. Shamim the Moslem. She always wear Sharia clothing while at home and never misses any Juma prayers every Friday, but when she comes to your room, she drinks alcohol and even eats pork (No hate speech intended). She doesn’t want to be seen with you in public and if her dad finds out an infidel has taken the fidelity of his daughter there will be a Fatwa and jihad on your ass. Marrying her means changing religion to Islam.
“[katogoaward]”