Want to find it easy living in Uganda, these 100 skills must be ingrained in your blood. Here are the 100 skills every Ugandan should know in order to survive, and have fun in Uganda living the Ugandan dream to its full potential. This is the unofficial guide to enjoying life in Uganda and finding the Ugandan life so easy.
1. How to Manoeuvre a car around a pothole and not feel the impact. Yes, we embraced potholes, so if you think you’re a good driver, you must know how to face them.
2. How to drive a car in the Ugandan traffic Jam. Hoots, abuses, you must know how to give and receive these.
3. How to cross a road in Uganda, if it’s a one way road, please look left and right, if there is no bodaboda coming then cross safely.
4. How to give tear gas first aid. A Ugandan should also know how to avoid tear-gas and run away from it.
5. Make your own Rolex and Kikomando. These are the commonest meals in Uganda for bachelors, campus students and singles, so you must know how to make them.
6. Bribing a traffic police. If you want to enjoy life in Uganda, this should be at your fingertips as a driver. Always know your way out when it comes to bribing an officer.
7. How to Bargain in Uganda. In Uganda, any item can be sold to you at a price that seems so big or so little depending on your bargaining skills. Always know the Ugandan way of bargaining. It’s only in Uganda where you can even bargain in a supermarket or at an event.
8. How to run away from a policeman even when you are innocent. In Uganda, you don’t run towards the police, you seek safety in other places. Learn how to avoid the police at all costs. You are guilty in Uganda until proven innocent.
9. How to continue working when salaries get delayed. Ask the civil servants, they are conversant with this. Teachers, doctors and many more.
10. How to tell one’s tribe basing on their accent, nose or colour. We are not promoting tribalism, but it seems every Ugandan knows how to do this.
11. Want to become a millionaire in Uganda? You should know what it takes to become a member of parliament, a politician or start your own church.
12. Know the taxi lingua. Mu maaso awo. And also how to convince the conductor so that you can pay less.
13. How to sit on a bodaboda. You will use this motorcycle once in a while, so you should know how to sit on it.
14. How to jump over gutters and trenches. We have many of these, the earlier you learn how to jump over, the better.
15. How to put a ka-wire in the Ugandan electricity metre-box. This is so common and it’s not illegal unless you get caught. You should know how to steal electricity in Uganda.
16. How to enjoy load-shedding in Uganda. Our electricity is unstable. So you should have plan-B’s when it proves to be a nuisance.
17. How to get free things in Uganda. In Uganda, we always live on free things, free tickets to concerts. This is a mandatory skill.
18. How to steal votes. If you plan to become a politician, you must be conversant with the art of vote rigging, otherwise forget about this goal.
19. How to pay for ordinary at an event but end up in the VIP section. We do this at music concerts, at Nambole football games. Don’t ask me how, go and learn.
20. How to use embezzled funds wisely. Unlike in other countries, in Uganda, when you embezzle funds, you invest them at home not in some bank in Switzerland. We steal for the sake of our country.
21. Knowledge of the tactics con-men in Uganda employ. They are so many so you should always be updating your software.
22. How to vibe/toast a Ugandan girl. They are not easy specimens so you should know what it takes to vibe them. Send me some mobile money, I will teach you.
23. How to kills mosquitoes while watching TV or waiting for your sweetheart. We have many of these chaps and we always kill them manually.
24. How to booze. We currently hold the world records for sipping beer and its relatives. So you should know it’s been hard-work to maintain this standard. Please never disappoint even if it means walking back home on one leg.
25. How to oppose the president and get paid to shut-up. We do it, I will tell you how to make money from this skill.
26. How to earn 100K as salary but spend over 1 million without falling in debts. An average Ugandan girl earns 100K a month, rents a 300K apartment in Kololo or Naalya, fuels her car at 100K every week, plaits hair worth 80K after 3 days and buys airtime worth 50K every week. Our magic is on Mars.
27. How to forge documents. If you don’t know the directions to Nasser road, you are finished.
28. How to buy a weave, every Ugandan girl knows this, even the speaker of parliament knows something about wigs and weaves.
29. How to adopt new relatives. As we speak, I adopted 5 uncles this year, two cousins. When you have money, adoption of new relatives is compulsory in Uganda.
30. How to do every job. Only in Uganda where you can find a taxi conductor in the morning, a lawyer at break-time, a real-estate broker at lunch and a thief at night. We can do all jobs. So never turn down a job in Uganda, we are masters at everything and at multi-tasking.
31. How to get free food from the mosques during the month of Ramadan. 32. How to be a Ugandan music artiste. In Uganda we have more artistes than fans. So literally, everyone is an upcoming artiste. If you can talk in Uganda, then you can definitely sing. Wama Mickie Wine, am I lying? 33. How to gossip 34. How to cheat in exams. If you are a student and you don’t know this art, my brother, forget about government sponsorship at university or ever graduating.
35. How to avoid paying rent to your landlord with good excuses. I have slept in my Naalya apartment for over 6 months with no money paid. 36. How to drink and still drive back home without causing an accident. 37. How to keep your phone. In Uganda, it’s not about to be or not to be. It’s more dramatic to lose a phone than lost your virginity.
38. How to abort as a campus girl. Okay this sounds so bad but statistics show every girl at campus should know one or two things about this procedure. You thought graduating was easy. 39. How to forgive and forget. We forgive and forget in Uganda. Do you think we still remember Gilbert Arinaitwe, Chris Mubiru or Jim Muhwezi or Cerinah Nebanda, no way, we forgot about these people. 40. How to promise and not deliver. We score 100% in this skill, ask Golola. 41. How to write a letter and disappear. In Uganda, you can always write every bad thing but always make sure, you have planned your exit. Ask Sejusa. 42. How to avoid getting HIV for the second time. In Uganda, you only contract HIV and other STDs permanently if you acquire them for the second time. At least that’s what MUK girls told me: “Ehh Ortega, you want me to acquire this thing again like last time, no we must use a condom.” 43. How to avoid a pregnancy. Even if it means rushing to a shower to wash out those liquids, please rush there. Even if it means acquiring HIV, please do acquire it but always avoid a pregnancy at all costs. You can’t party with that belly you know? Men can’t give you money with that belly, you demand will be low. So learn this skill. It will come in handy when you are in Kampala. 44. How to buy fake chinese products and enjoy them. 45. How to pray on special days like Eid, Easter and Christmas and disappear till when these days re-appear. 46. Dating a celebrity. I am currently dating Judith heard and Juliana Kanyomozi. Okay it’s not like it’s so serious but at least we kissed in my dreams. But whatever, learn this skill of dating celebrities. 47. Not putting on panties and knickers at night and while in club. Otherwise, how will you shake what your Mama gave you or how will you snatch that man’s wallet? Wama Doreen Kabareebe can I hear you say, “that’s ma buoy.” 48. How to be a Facebook celebrity. Ask people like Joram Kawira, guy is still battling retakes at Kyambogo naye girls yearn for him on Facebook. 49. How to detooth a man. So how did you think you were gonna survive in Uganda my sister? 50. How to get sex from a Ugandan girl? These girls are not easy, even after siphoning money from your wallet, she will give you an excuse: “It’s that time of the month.” 51. How to date an older white man or lady. Shhhhhhhhh take it easy, Chameleone once dated one. 52. How to test HIV positive but reverse the results to show HIV negative… you can as well go ahead and post your results on Facebook. 53. How to drown at a Ugandan beach as a swimming style. Ask the potbellied fellows who party at the beach. 54. How to consult a traditional healer. In Uganda, we have those diseases we refer to as “Endwadde enganda and only Mama Fina can heal them.” 55. Appearing naked in a newspaper tabloid. 56. Borrowing a car from a friend and using it to pick up campus girls. 57. Cheating on your wife and getting away with it. It’s not like the beautiful have not yet been born in Uganda, but everywhere you look, you see hot girls at night. 58. How to be broke during day and spend like a millionaire at night? For details, listen to G.Snake’s song-Kampala enyuma kiiro 59. How to give money to a Ugandan girl and handle the pain. 60. Bathing the builders’s style aka akabazimbi. In Uganda, we bath everyday but when it’s so cold, we bath only the legs and the hands and the armpits then life goes on. 61. How to get free airtime when telecom companies are updating their services. 62. How to light a charcoal stove aka sigiri using papers or paraffin. 63. Learning Luganda and Runyankore. You just have to learn these languages, don’t ask me for reasons. 64. How to listen and understand Robin Kisti and other TV and radio presenters with their fast American accents. 65. How to brush your teeth before you eat any meal but not after you eat a meal. 66. How to pose for photos and sort the best ones out before uploading to Facebook. 67. Business card skills. You need a business card in Uganda and it must show that you are the CEO, manager etc 68. How to be a Facebook addict 24-7 but still earn a salary. 69. Name shortening. In Uganda, a name like Nandigobe is shortened to Nandy. 70. How to abuse back a person when attacked. If he says, mbwa gwe, quickly reply, mbuzi gwe. 71. Squat on a pit-latrine and target well. We have the hole-in-ground type of toilets, so you must know how to squat and be on target (super aiming). Learn how to simultaneously squat, hold your breath and stand on tip toes 72. Count Money after withdrawing it from the ATM. Learn the art of not trusting anyone, even your own father, he may sell you off while you’re asleep. 73. Drive a car without fuel 74. How to kill a rat and kill this meese very well 75. Use Facebook zero on a smartphone. Never pay for Facebook service in Uganda. It’s free for all. 76. Sewing and Knitting your clothes 77. How to Keep Ugandan Time. If you are meeting a Ugandan at 1pm, please don’t arrive at mid-day, you will cry. Come at least 30 minutes or an hour later. So learn the art of Ugandan time management 78. The art of lying. In Uganda, it’s about deceiving, if you think the truth sets you free, in Uganda it buries you. So lie and lie until you forget that you are lying or until the lie turns into the truth. 79. Have a relative abroad. If you don’t, then you won’t have conversations that impress people. You can just create a fictional relative that lives in UK. 80. Recycle clothes and buy second hand. 81. How to do your own laundry the Ugandan way. 82. How to re-connect your water after National water disconnects you 83. How to re-connect your kara when UMEME takes you off the grid 84. How to connect from Lunch to next day’s breakfast. In Uganda, we call it, Okuyungawo. If you don’t have supper, you sleep and make sure next day finds you at a relative’s place as a visitor. 85. How to fight for a taxi in the evening 86. Never go to prison on a Friday. You will spend the whole weekend there. 87. Know how to drive 88. How to eat using your bare hands 89. Must know the location of Owino market 90. How to walk like a Muganda 91. Computer basic skills 92. The art of carrying a novel or book that you never read 93. Reading newspapers from a neighbour in a taxi or along the streets 94. The art of crying at a Ugandan burial 95. Pack food at a party or during the last funeral rites 96. Ugandan dancing, you must know the Ugandan strokes otherwise you will find it hard 97. How to be poor but act rich 98. Enjoy western music even when you don’t understand a word in the lyrics 99. How to move on a Ugandan street. Always tap on your wallet and listen out to the man saying fasi fasi lest you get knocked down. 100. None reading culture, now that you’ve made it to this point, you are not fully Uganda. Ugandans read the first sentence in the first chapter and the last sentence in the last chapter. 101. You can ADD MORE SKILLS you think a person needs to survive in Uganda.
