“[katogoaward]”
By Ian Ortega
BigEye.ug promised to make lives simpler and easier for its massive community. Thus, today we release the ten things that put off a Ugandan girl while you are vibing her. The rule of the thumb is, never mention these ten things or prove to be associated with them.
1. Telling Her You Are Unemployed
You all know that ageless question of the hen or the egg, which one came first? Well, the same applies to Ugandan Girls and money. Till now, we are not certain which of the two came first between Ugandan girls and money? Ugandan girls and money are like Sejjusa and his letters, they can’t be parted. So once you are chatting with her and you mention that you are unemployed, she will immediately erase your number or block you on Facebook, because that clearly shows you won’t be able to buy her a new weave every week. Always, mention job titles like consultant, contractor and marketer, she will love you more.
2. Telling Her You Are A Virgin
It is easier for Museveni to leave power than to find a Virgin Ugandan girl. Once you tell her that you are a virgin, she will immediately get scared of you because she can’t fathom the fact that such people still exist. Even if you are a virgin, you have to play it cool like you are the master of the game. Tell her, that you dumped your last girlfriend because she used to have multiple orgasms before you had even thought of ‘coming’ of course the come with a u.
3. That You are a Musoga
Of course, I don’t know why, but it’s not even funny saying you are a Musoga to these Ugandan girls yet they enjoy rolex and kikomandos the most. Once you speak of being a Musoga, off you go to the black-list never to return. For this case, call yourself an Itesot, a Mutooro, a Mukiga or even a Munyankore. She will rest assured that you will meet all her needs.
4. That You Stay In Kireka, Kawempe, Nansana
These places discourage many of these girls. So, always brag about your home in Naalya, Bunga, Muyenga, Munyonyo and Kololo. Trust me, she will sandwich you and never let you go. It should also be noted, that never speak of Kikoni and Banda as your residential places, goodness, what else can we expect from these places other than some Hood Lighta of sorts or Brian of sorts. Always stick to fancy places like Naalya and promise to take her out to the 3D cinema when she pays you a visit. The real 3D cinema of course is your bed.
5. Giving Her an MTN Number
All my life, I have never had girls call me back when I gave them an MTN number. They just fear these numbers, they just get these feeling that you are in some top class of sorts compared to their local swag. Always have a warid number on reserve, you can give them the MTN number as things get serious. Warid first, MTN later on.
6. Having deep intellectual conversations
Ugandan girls enjoy silly conversations, the ones that are suited for dummies. Never begin serious philosophical conversations, only the likes of Seanice Kacungire (Ortega’s ex) can handle such conversations. Stick to the normal jazz of Bebe Cool vs Bobi Wine, simanya Bad Black goes for surgery to get a third boob. And please, never use high word power in your talk, those bombastic words scare them.
7. That You Are Still Studying
The only reason my friend Hood and Brian are still single is because they turn off girls with such lines. These girls are not interested in hearing about your continuing education status, because it reminds them of the retakes they accumulated and only solved through sex for marks. So, even if you are a fresher, never talk about how you are still studying, unless you are talking of how your Masters Thesis is taking your time.
8. Age Issues
When I was born, my mother directed me to solve the question that has remained unsolved since the start of time —‘what did age do to women?’ Till now, I have still failed to find out why these two are sworn enemies. Never talk about age issues with Ugandan girls, just base on her wrinkles and the bedroom styles she knows and you will have a clear guess of her age. The moment you ask for her age, my friend, you are responsible for waking up in Heaven.
9. That You Have No House of Your Own
Please and please, never tell a Ugandan girl that you are still living under your mother’s roof. She will look for all quick ways of dumping you. How do you expect her to produce a kid for you when you are still Mummy’s boy? How do you expect her to forcefully take you into marriage? Once you mention that you own a house, she will feel secure and she will begin moving in slowly by slowly.
10. That You Are Not a Fan of the BigEye.ug website
Goodness, do you know what it means to have class? Do you know what it means to be associated with Ian Ortega, as in ‘Ian Ortega’, you can forget about the other rules, but never break this one. Keep interpolating your conversation with BigEye.ug, talk about how BigEye.ug has the most beautiful girls on its page, talk about how BigEye.ug is the best designed website in Africa. Keep in BigEye.ug, if you mention other websites, it’s comparable to having bad breath.
Till then, Ian Ortega is now connecting
Email: ortian@gmail.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/ianort
Whatsapp/Phone: +256788551121
Twitter: @OrtegaUganda