By Our Reporter
For a long time, I held Kenyan Women in high esteem. They were my unicorns. Because back in the days, Kenya was the country that seemed like the Heaven of East Africa. It’s not until I begun to travel to Kenya and stayed over for longer periods that it suddenly hit me how Kenyan women were wildebeests in disguise. Now that the Huddah Munroe bubble has also been burst, the Vera Sidika bubble too was poked with a needle, with these taken out of the pile, I wonder if there’s anything more Kenya has to offer as far as women are concerned. I have since then come to a conclusion, backed by findings from the laboratory of social life which is experience. Here’s why Ugandan Women are far better than Kenyan Women.
1. Kenyan Women Are Ugly
A wise man once said, that there’s no ugly woman, only lazy ones. Yet when you look at all the effort that Kenyan women put in trying to be beautiful, it’s amazing that they are still ugly. With all the buckets of make-up they apply on their faces, we are shocked that that the most beautiful Kenyan woman doesn’t come close to an average Ugandan woman. Show me a Vera Sidika or a Huddah Munroe, and I will show you thousands of Ugandan girls who are far more beautiful, and devoid of plastic or fake body parts.
2. Kenyan Women Have Taken Obesity To Another Scale
Unlike in Uganda where our Nyama Choma has matooke, in Kenya, it’s always Ugali. This explains why Kenyan women have grown fat at a rate that’s alarming. Sit in a matatu while in Nairobi and you will be gasping for fresh air because of the space that’s always taken up by its obese women. In Uganda, when girls grow fat, it’s always aimed at enhancing their booties, boobs and hips. In Kenya, it’s undirected fatness. The fingers are big, the cheeks are big, the lips are wide and big, in summary-the average Kenyan woman looks like a swelling wildebeest. Whereas a normal Ugandan girl’s figure is compared to an hour glass, a Kenyan woman’s body figure is like a 2 litre soda bottle.
3. Truth be told, sex with Kenyan Women Sucks, Should Be Avoided
I thank God that I was born Ugandan and not Kenyan; above all, I thank God that I don’t have to wake up every day with no choice but to have sex with a Kenyan Woman. The Kenyan Government should levy a special tax on all Kenyan Women; this money should be used to give every Kenyan player a monthly salary for the hard work in having sex with Kenyan women. Having sex with a Kenyan woman is not a fun activity; it shouldn’t even be called romance or making love. There’s nothing fun about sex with a Kenyan woman, it’s real torture. Now I know why Kenyan men would rather have sex with donkeys, cows and chicken than with their women, it’s a much better deal. Why does sex with Kenyan women suck? Because they dry!!! The average Kenyan woman is like a Kalahari Desert. So Kenyan men have always reported penile fractures, bruises, all from the too much friction from sex with their women.
4. The Drug Epidemic of Kenyan Women is at an all-time high
While Ugandan women cook like their mothers, Kenyan women drink like their fathers. Not just those, most Kenyan women are moving chimneys. The only way to sustain a Kenyan woman at home is to stock all kinds of cigarettes, shisha and narcotics.
5. Kenyan Women are Violent, Spoilt by Feminism
When CNN referred to Kenya as a hotbed of terror, it intended to refer to Kenyan Women; it’s a mistake they realized later. Kenyan women are the kind that will kick, punch, slap, and dominate their men. Kenyan men have been relegated to speaking with soprano voices while the Kenyan women walk around wearing the pants in relationships.
6. Kenyan Women are a Fashion Disaster
Go to Nairobi; pick the best dressed Kenyan women. Come to Kampala, pick the worst dressed Ugandan women and you will soon realize the fashion disaster that is Kenyan women. You read Ugandan fashion magazines and blogs for tips on how to dress well, you read fashion recommendations from Kenyan blogs and magazines to find out which fashion disasters to avoid. You spot a Kenyan woman, and will be wondering which designer she’s wearing, only to find out that she got the curtain from her home windows and took it to the tailor to create a dress. The Kenyan Blankets and Wine event is a horror event, the Ugandan version is like the Paris Fashion week.
7. Nothing is as rare as love from a Kenyan Woman
Factor in the moral inflation figures, Kenyan women have not been taught to love neither have they experienced what it means to give out love. It’s easier to find a heart-broken Kenyan man than one who can comfortably praise his woman for her love. The only reason why Ugandan women end up taking all the Kenyan men is because love from Ugandan women is still pure, it’s undefiled by standards. At least in Uganda, a woman will appreciate when a man goes out of his way to provide for her. Kenyan women have this deeply embedded self-entitlement. In Kenya men are not boyfriends or husbands anymore but sponsors.
8. The IQ levels of Kenyan Women are really lacking
It’s much easier to hold an intellectual conversation with a Ugandan woman than a Kenyan woman. If you compare the most searched things on Google between a Kenyan and a Ugandan woman, you will be shocked. For the same query, a Kenyan woman will write a 20 long sentence; “Dear Google, kwani I be wondering, how do I cook good Ugali for my Kisii boyfriend and also make sure he finishes the food.” A Ugandan woman will instead write; “Best Recipes for Chicken Biryani.” While the average Ugandan woman knows a thing or two about philosophers such as Marcus Aurelius, Kenyan women are more troubled by the meaning of Eric Omondi’s jokes.
9. Kenyan Women are the worst road drivers
Time and again, you will see photos on Facebook of Kenyan women drivers doing the most unexpected of things. They are the kind of drivers who will never look into their side mirrors; they are the kind that has no idea about checking on the oil and water levels of a car. A Ugandan woman is comfortable driving a stick-shaft, for a Kenyan woman, it’s automatic all the way.
10. Married Kenyan Women have abandoned their roles as wives
In Kenya, the maids do all the work. The maids cook the food, the maids sing the husbands to sleep, the maids breastfeed the children. Nothing is as replaceable as a Kenyan wife. In Uganda, once one gets a wife, the wife will wake up early in the morning, make breakfast for the husband, and prepare the children for school. She will then do some house management and head to work. At 5pm strictly, a Ugandan woman will rush home, prepare a meal for the husband, and later on take a shower and show up in the best lingerie for her man. In Kenya, forget all that, a woman will come back from work in the wee hours of the night while reeking of alcohol. She will then command her man to push up to his side of the bed, without showering, the Kenyan woman will get into the bed, wake up, rush to work without doing any chore at home. Apparently, putting a ring on a Kenyan woman is a massive waste of time, there’s no return on investment.
Till next time, follow us on Twitter: @bigeyeug we shall soon be releasing “10 Reasons why Ugandan Men are Better than Kenyan Men.”
Ugandan Millenials are Ghosting out of Relationships
By Staff Writer
Gone are the days when boyfriends and girlfriends would sit down and agree to end a relationship. Now, Ugandan millenials have changed the trends. They are just ghosting.
According to research, Ugandan couples no longer suffer with breakup lines. “He simply stops talking to you. He stops replying your messages. Then you just figure out that the relationship is done,” says one of the victims of ghosting.
According to older generations, ghosting is a cowardly way of ending relationships. But it turns out millenials are also ghosting at jobs. “You employ them, they work for some months then they just stop showing up. Next thing you know they moved on to another job. It is unprofessional,” says a human resource director.
Let us hear from you. Have you been ghosted? Have you ghosted before?
How to Attract the Opposite Sex Effortlessly
Do you want to know how you can become more attractive to the opposite gender and catch all the attention? Grooming tips and great clothes can make you look good, but to be attractive to others around you requires something completely different. Find out here.
Nothing is as attractive as someone who is completely comfortable with the way they look and who they are. Believe in yourself and that you are worth everything that comes your way.
View the glass as half full. Compliment and remind yourself to do it and you’ll see the results in no time. The ability to see the good in everything not only makes your life easier, it gives a spring in your step and adds to your charm.
Forget about your diet at least one day in a week and treat yourself to some creamy Belgian dark chocolate ice cream. Step out from under your umbrella and dance in the rain. The ability to let loose and not worry about the reactions of others makes you shine.
Keep an Active Social Life
We are, as a species, social in nature. We love to be with our fellow humans and take great pleasure in social groups, so throw off those comfy tracks and go out no matter how tired or lazy you feel. Once you get there, the fatigue will vanish, leaving you with a sparkle in your eye. Seeing someone having fun with their friends is hot!
Don’t Think About the Competition
It’ll just bring you down. People tend to underestimate themselves, which is good in a few ways, but always keep in mind that you have a few traits that no one else has, and this sets you apart.
It’s scientifically proven that smiling and laughing release endorphins that make you feel happier. Not only does it give you a mood booster but it makes you look more approachable and not intimidating in the least, so people will be more open to coming up to you.
You have to leave the opposite gender guessing. That’s part of the fun and leaves them wanting more.
Be Able to Laugh at Yourself
Whether you have spinach in your teeth or whether you fell down the stairs, if you stop and think about it, it is funny. So laugh and watch how many people warm up to you.
Make “Me Time”
Everyone needs to spend at least half an hour a day by themselves. Meditate, reflect on the day or just relax. It’ll do you a world of good. Deal with all your work beforehand and spend some time by yourself before you turn in, so you can fall asleep and wake up with a sunny, happy aura that others would love to share.
You see, being an attractive person with loads of sex appeal is easy, as long as you remember that it is more about yourself, your happy aura and your confidence than anything else.
The Top 12 Qualities Men Want in a Woman
She is family oriented.
Before I get heat from people who say that not everyone is close to their family and that doesn’t make them a bad person or whatever – that goes without saying. Let’s keep in mind that I speak from my own perspective and to me, a woman who values both her and my family is important when considering a long term future. I’m sure most men who someday want a family of their own would agree with me.
She is kindhearted.
I’m not quite sure how to explain this one. I feel like just the word ‘kindhearted’ in itself gets the point across. A woman who is thoughtful. Loving. Caring. Who does small things for you for no other reason that she loves you (as you do for her). A woman who, when she smiles at you, gives you no choice but to smile back. A woman who radiates warmth from her heart. That is a woman a man would want to marry.
She is intellectually challenging.
There is no denying that someone’s looks are what initially draws us to them. It’s difficult to spot a great personality from across the room. Many a fling was built on physical attraction alone, but how long can it last?
When conversations lack depth or intrigue, we often fill our time with physical activity together, but it is impossible to build a real connection or lasting relationship with someone on that alone. Being intellectually challenging and having the ability to hold real discussions about meaningful topics, will always trump shallow beauty in the long run.
She is understanding and empathetic.
Being compassionate, supportive, and encouraging towards your partner is a huge part of building a successful relationship. Nobody wants a person who is a “Debbie Downer” all the time and will not support them in their endeavors or their times of need. Life is full of challenges that any couple will face together, particularly a married couple. Sometimes men need a shoulder to cry on, too.
She is ambitious.
In addition to supporting and encouraging you pursuing your own goals and dreams, she will have her own as well. A mature woman has a vision for her future and chases after it with voracity.
A mature woman will be someone you can take on the world with. A partner in crime, a teammate in your relationship, and in life.
She is consistent.
Being consistent is a valuable virtue because it lets your partner know that you really are who you are. You haven’t sent your “representative” to get to know them during the first couple of months of dating, but then suddenly transform once they’ve committed themselves to you.
To clarify the point, think of consistency as the opposite of volatility. If someone is unpredictable and volatile, it’s difficult to know how they will be acting towards you on a certain day, and that gets old no matter how aesthetically pleasing she is.
She is willing to put in effort for you.
I am all about giving in relationships. I believe seeing your significant other happy should also make you happy – but it is important to understand that it goes both ways.
Her putting in effort doesn’t have to be much. It can be something as simple as slipping the waiter her debit card to pay for dinner. It’s no secret that sometimes the romance wears off of longer term relationships, but you shouldn’t let it – and neither should she.
If a woman continues to do what she knows attracted you in the first place, even after she got you a long time ago, it shows she cares about keeping you around.
Side note: Equally as important is to make sure both teammates always show the other their appreciation for this effort. Feeling taken for granted can easily lead to resentment and other negative results in a relationship.
She holds similar values as you.
This is often an extension of the family-oriented point in the beginning, because many times our value system comes from our upbringing. The things we find important (or not), the things we believe in strongly (or not), the way we treat others, and ourselves. It doesn’t matter how attracted you are to someone or even how well you get along, if your values don’t align, you will always be clashing in the long term.
Sorry, but it has to be said. The good news is, every man is attracted to a different type of woman and has his own personal tastes. Meaning, I am in no way suggesting a woman has to fit a certain image of ‘beauty’ in order to be considered ‘wife material.’ But, as is true for both men and women, there needs to be a physical attraction between two partners to kick off a relationship, which also plays an important part in holding it together.
She is friendly and sociable.
I know, at least for me, I enjoy being social and I love having my girlfriend by my side. So, naturally, we will find ourselves together out at events or even just bumping into people at a restaurant or bar. No man wants to be worried about the attitude his girlfriend or wife is going to give to the friend he is trying to introduce her to. He doesn’t want her to turn up her nose or be short with them – it is important that as his teammate in life, she is his teammate in all areas of life.
It is important for a couple to be able to be playful and joke around with each other. It helps lighten the mood, makes extended periods of time together more fun, and laughing together never gets old.
She is loving and affectionate.
This is more of a bonus point. It may not need to be said, because a few of the points above just direct back to someone being loving in general, anyway. But, I think it’s important to state just the same.
For me, affection is important. Holding hands, hugs, just being physically close together. It symbolizes a connection. It’s a warm, loving feeling, and I would have a hard time building a long-term relationship with a woman who shrugs off your arm when you put it around her or always feels ‘separate’ from me.
Needless to say, every man likely has a different ‘checklist’ for what he is looking for in the woman that he would consider potentially making his wife someday, but my instinct tells me one would be hard-pressed to find a guy who didn’t agree with the points listed here.
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