By Ortega Ian
James Onen, a self-anointed Bishop of Atheists in Uganda has made some of the most remarkable statements throughout the years. We bring you a collection of those Quotes that got us talking, commenting, and for the feminists-incensed.
1. Don’t force or guilt trip your lady into having sex with you. If she’s not in the mood, simply respect her wishes, and wait for another occasion. Believe me, next time, she will make it so good you will literally scream.
2. But did M7 have to go to the bush? I would imagine if he had not launched the war, first of all there would have been peace, and secondly Uganda would have still developed. They claim they had to fight Obote because the 1980 elections were not free and fair – but gimme a break, should we talk about the 2001, 2006, and 2011 elections? Unprecedented levels of rigging, vote buying, intimidation, etc (not to mention levels of corruption never before seen in the history of this country). He should not have gone to the bush. He should have found PEACEFUL ways of contributing to Uganda’s development – rather than wage a war that disrupted the whole country back then. That is my opinion.
3. I’ve noticed that these days Baganda ladies are really into Northerners. What’s happening? Baganda men can’t handle them anymore? Dudes, style up or we’ll take all your women
4. I’m in a taxi heading to Luzira. Some passenger sitting behind me has just asked me a fake question. Mbu “But you’re a celeb so what are you doing in a taxi?” What a fool. Who says celebs can’t ride in taxis? Where is that written? Mtscheeeew.
5. When a lady starts telling you her problems with her current boyfriend, is that her way of trying to get you to make a move? It’s not, coz you’ll advise her to leave him and then she’ll go running back to the fool.
6. At which point do you know that the relationship has started… at the kiss, or the chaw?#confused
7. In the months that I’ve been reading and studying philosophy I’ve been getting less and less romantic. I try to be logical about everything and this makes it difficult for a lot of people to relate to me, especially ladies, who sometimes prefer to deal with things from an emotional perspective. Maybe I need to remember that not everything is supposed to be logical.
8. If you and your babe chow and afterwards, out of appreciation, you give her some tranzi and ‘weekend’… is she a prostitute?
9. I was in a taxi last night and a passenger sitting next to me recognised me as Fatboy. He’s a 2nd year Mass Comm student who has plans of being on radio. So we start chatting and he tells me during one lecture his classmate asked the lecturer “but madam, almost all the people we look up to in news, journalism and broadcasting in this country did not study Mass Comm. So aren’t we just wasting our time here?” Apparently the lecturer could not respond convincingly. Hahahahaha. Indeed they are wasting their time.
10. Last night I dreamt that a big dog was chasing me. The faster I ran the more it caught up with me. I’ve been trying to think of what my subconscious mind was trying to tell me. This is my interpretation: The Dog = Poverty. Hahaha… seriously, I can’t think of what else it could mean. This month, things have been tight.
11. I don’t know if she was kidding, but many years ago some chick (who I wasn’t even vibing) said she had wanted to chow me but then had second thoughts because I seemed the ‘clingy’ type. She was scared that if something had happened I would have stuck to her like glue, yet all she would have wanted was a quick thing. Of course, she ASSUMED I would have said yes, yet in reality I would have probably refused coz she wasn’t my type. Plus I don’t do that ‘friends with benefits’ stuff anyway. Hahaha… so does this mean I’m clingy? I guess. So you better not come near me smile emoticon
12. I look around and see that most marriages are struggling to make it. Many in my generation have separated. What is the cause of this problem? Why can’t couples get along these days? Almost every married guy I know has a side-dish. So why did he get married? Most girls will marry boyfriends who they KNOW are serial players mbu he’ll change. Seriously, we need a solution. Otherwise at this rate marriage will be seen as a joke.
13. Just because I reject Christianity it does not mean I embrace Satan. Satan is just as made up as the Christianity I reject, after all. It is all part of the same mythology and superstition made by ignorant people thousands of years ago. That said, you are perfectly entitled to believe in those tales. Ne smile emoticon
14. Just because he didn’t call to say goodnight it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. Maybe he had no airtime. It happens. Some of u ladies be trippin about things like this. Relax, he’ll call you tomorrow.
15. Are demons real and if so, what do they do exactly? I’ve heard savedees say that demons cause unemployment, corruption, marital problems, diseases, etc. But my level of thinking makes it impossible to believe such things. Is atheistic Scandanavia more developed, less corrupt, etc because they have no demons? I doubt. In fact, I think that its believing such things that keeps you backward.
16. Seriously, Budo is a crap school. At least when I was there it was. One cup of porridge for breakfast, as much labour as they have in concentration camps. Boring as hell teachers. Honestly, I do not understand all this Budonian pride thing. Its an illusion. If you think I’m wrong please tell me where I’m wrong. If it were not for the friends I met with whom I endured this hardships, those years would have more or less been forgotten.
17. I don’t own a car and I’m not ashamed to admit it. The thing is, I don’t really ‘need’ one. I get along with life just fine without a car.
18. Has anybody ever told you something like.. “whether what or what you’ll never convince me. Don’t tell me mbu reason and logic, ok let me remain stupid, no problem.. ” Why are Ugandans so anti-intellectual? I hear this alot. When they realize they cannot defend their views intellectually, they then appeal to their ignorance and praise it as a virtue. WTF??
19. Does ‘God’ answer prayers for sex? Like if you pray “oh Lord, I want that girl so bad – please make her agree to come home with me tonight for a chow.” Do such prayers get answered by ‘God’, in your opinion? If so, wouldn’t he be promoting immorality? If not, and somehow the girl, out of the blue, DOES agree to come home with me, what happened? #justasking
20. If ladies only went out on dates with guys they liked, restaurants would be empty.
21. Some like to say we should reject “alien” culture and maintain our traditions. But does it not occur to these people that mobile phones, computers, cars, aeroplanes, radios, televisions, and even Christianity are the product of these same “alien” cultures they deride? These same people will then criticize time-honored African traditions such as wife inheritance, polygamy, ancestor worship, etc. So which is it, we keep our values, or ditch them? And if we must pick and choose, who decides?
22. Why do some people assume that if you support the rights of gay people then you yourself must also be gay? Do you also have to be a woman to support the rights of women, or a child to support the rights of children? Of course not. Its like this: if you see an injustice you should always speak up, whether or not you are the target of that injustice. That is what it means to be a decent person.
23. Kampala is one place where you don’t have to look for sex. Sex, literally, looks for you. That’s why some of us are hiding in our abstinence. You stick your head out, and sex will hit you in your face. Oba is it maybe because I’m a celeb? I dunno. All I know is that this town is too crazy these dayz.
24. Someone who works in the UN told me her MONTHLY salary is $7000, and she just does basic work anyone can do. Some people are just lucky, I tell you. Hmm… but you have to wonder what that says about an organisation which claims to exist in order to help poor and desperate people. Its basically a get-rich scheme for the educated elite, at the expense of the poor. That’s how I see it, anyway.
25. Not a single prime time DJ in any of the top 5 radio stations in this country had to first study Mass Communications to get hired. What does that tell you about our education system? Why do people bother going to university anymore? You are not equipped with any employable skills.
26. I checked my NSSF balance today. There’s 50m in there. Why the f*** can’t they give me that money NOW??? Now is when I need it. I could build a bloody house with that money, and rent it out, and live off that rent as the value of my house appreciates over the years! But no, they want to give it to me when I’m 55 yet I’m almost certain I will not live that long. I guess I will never taste that money.
27. The disadvantage of being single is that when you’re sick and bed ridden there’s no one to even help you with a glass of juice. But then if I had a wife or girlfriend she’d probably be at work anyway – so I’d still have no one to help me with some juice. ((Sigh)) Let me just get my sick ass out of bed and crawl to the kitchen. I’ll pour myself a glass, and crawl back into bed.
28. Corporate executives are so pretentious, and superficial. I’m glad I’m not one – coz I just can’t handle all the ass-kissery you have to do to climb the ladder in the corporate world. I’ve seen them do it, and you can tell they don’t like it. Then above all they wear a veneer of success – or rather, a FACADE of success – that they use to hide the daily humiliation they have to go through. Almost every corporate person I know is just dying to get out and start their own thing. Haha… life sucks.
29. Why is “love” so elusive? Is it a myth? Maybe all there is is fun and sex, and everything else people say love is… is just a delusion. If its not a delusion, then why is there so much anguish in the world over this thing which is supposed to be real? In the meantime, while ur still trying to figure this out, remember to use a condom wink emoticon
30. Question: One sleeps with a man after receiving 50k in cash, and the other sleeps with a man after he invests in a series of dinners, nights out, and a mobile phone, all totalling 500k to impress her. Who of these is the prostitute?