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8 Relationship Problems You Just Can’t Fix

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Some problems in relationships can be tackled as a couple: Not spending enough kid-free time together? Call a babysitter. Prioritizing screen-time over quality time? Kindly escort your cell phone out of the bedroom.

Other problems are a lot harder to solve. Below, marriage therapists share eight weighty relationship problems that just can’t be fixed.

1. You have contempt for each other.

Make no mistake: If left unchecked, finger-pointing, sarcasm and contempt will chip away at the foundation of your marriage, said Bonnie Ray Kennan, a psychotherapist based in Torrance, California. (Contempt is so bad, renowned marriage researcher John Gottman has identified it as the single best predicator of divorce.)

“This kind of behavior creates a culture of disconnect,” Ray Kennan explained. “If one or both partners are unwilling to soften the marital conversation and stop fighting, the problem will get worse until there is no coming back.”

2. Your partner is needlessly argumentative.

There will be times when your opinion on an issue is so starkly different from your spouse’s, you’re downright shocked. Let it be and agree to disagree. As a couple, you need to recognize that no one wins when one of you always has to be right, said relationship coach Lisa Schmidt.

“It’s a problem if one or both partners provoke arguments and then look for reasons to not forgive the other,” she said. “What makes it worse is when the inability to forgive is followed by a refusal to discuss the issue further.”

3. There’s chronic infidelity.

Being in a relationship with a serial cheater is nothing short of exhausting. The relationship can be repaired, but only if the unfaithful partner is honest about what happened and fully prepared to leave the affair behind. If not, heartbreak is inevitable, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a psychotherapist and the author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love. 

“People vary in how willing they are to put up with this,” she said. “Many eventually give up on trying to fix the relationship; they simply decide they have had enough broken promises. They realize that enough is enough.”

4. Your partner is distant or secretive about where they go when you’re not around.

While time apart is essential in any relationship, what your partner does with their free time shouldn’t be some great mystery. There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy, said psychologist Susan Heitler.

“Too much secrecy can leave you feeling abandoned emotionally as well as physically, even when your partner is home,” she said. “A marriage needs sharing and openness.”

5. You have incompatible sex drives.

Don’t shortchange yourself: For most people, a mutually fulfilling sex life is incredibly important in a long-term relationship. That’s exactly why you should establish your sexual compatibility early on, Heitler said.

“If your spouse has zero interest in sharing sexual pleasures but you treasure your sexuality, your partner might end up feeling less interesting to you. And you may begin to feel that a marriage without sex is unacceptable. “

6. Your partner pushes you away.

We all have attachment styles that affect our behavior in relationships. If you feel comfortable being close and intimate, but your partner has an avoidant and dismissive attachment style, it’s going to be difficult for you to bridge that gap, said Marni Feuerman, a couples therapist based in Boca Raton, Florida.

“It can be maddening to be with someone who is highly avoidant,” she said. “In fact, it can turn a normally calm and self-assured person into a bundle of neediness.”

She added: “It chips away at your self-esteem to be with someone who shows you no affection or compliments, engages in mechanical sex and has no desire for closeness with you.”

7. Your partner is truly a narcissist.

If your partner truly has narcissistic personality disorder (as opposed to someone with narcissistic traits), maintaining your relationship is going to be an uphill battle, said Carin Goldstein, a marriage and family therapist based in Sherman Oaks, California.

“It is not uncommon for the narcissistic partner to sometimes throw a bone here and there, giving the other partner hope that they’re finally beginning to evolve in a way that will save the relationship,” she said. “Unfortunately, it’s usually just crumbs. Most of the time, they criticize you for making their life miserable.”

8. You can’t open up to each other.

You need to feel comfortable laying bare your problems and frustrations with your partner. It’s problematic if one of you prefers to keep your emotions bottled up, said Marie Land, a psychologist based in Washington, D.C.

“If you’re not expressing your feelings, you may start to feel anxious or disappointed in the relationship,” she said. “You don’t want to end up distancing yourself from your partner, giving up on them prematurely, or feeling straight up depressed about the state of the relationship. That’s exactly how you’ll feel if one or both of you don’t express what you’re feeling.”

Source: Huffingtonpost.com

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Relationships

Are you really having good sex?

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couple making out

By Bessie Fox

Some people say men are looking for good sex in a relationship and women are looking for love. Some studies have shown that, no, actually it is the women looking for good sex while men are searching for some kind of connection. Well, I will have you know that at the end of the day, none of that matters – not the studies, not even what everyone else is thinking. We all desire a connection and if we connect through sex, it had better be a damn good sexual adventure. Don’t you agree? But then again, so many people care so much about opinions and how they will be perceived if they openly talk about sex.

Talking about sex is a taboo. Even when talking to our bros and sisters, some of us edit our conversations like pros, often times taking out the best parts and replacing them with generalised words or code words. We get that, sex is private, and yet sex is the most selling topic in movies, advertising, and books. So, if we are seeing it everywhere, why not talk about it? Why wait to learn the “hard” way? Why pretend like we don’t care and then secretly Google about it.

After all is said and done, we need to have good sex, responsibly of course. However, we all can’t have good sex if we fail to make good and meaningful connections with our partners and friends. The idea of good and safe sex gets distorted when we think of getting STI’s, pregnant and for many of us who are seeking a connection, the fear of getting “used” and left with a broken heart is real. We have heard about those married couples who fight everyday and sleep in different rooms. One can only imagine what kind of sex they are having, if they are getting any. Most failed marriages today are ruined by bad communication, lack of trust, secrets and unevolved expectations in gender roles. All these failings eventually trickle down to sex, hence bad sex and then no sex, and then somehow we hear that our perfect couples are cheating on each other or that they are holding on because of the kids. What gives? A frustrated relationship is equal to bad sex and once it gets to that point, we all act like the relationship is no more.

The importance of exploring all the dynamics of good sex isn’t classified but rather justified. NTV’s Chicken and Chips show is an example of taking this topic by the horns. Topics about sex and relationships are openly discussed on the show, and on their social media platforms.

Chicken and Chips is not holding back to make anyone feel comfortable or to honour taboos, nope! Rather, it is disrupting the usual way of #KeepQuiet by asking all the questions we all want to ask but won’t.

You can watch the episodes for yourself every Sunday at 1:30pm or the replay on Friday at 4pm. They include “puppet reality TV” based on real conversations, and “talk of the town” filming people answering some deep questions on the streets of Kampala, plus music videos and “social experiments” that capture people on candid camera in funny situations.  Maybe you’ll have better sex once you get a chance to really talk about it!

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Relationships

8 Dumb things to avoid on a date

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Couple - Mistakes at a Date

Who hasn’t tossed and turned in bed the night before a big date trying to account for all the things that could go wrong?

There’s nothing you can do about those things — which makes it especially important to get a grip on factors you can control, the self-inflicted catastrophes that are avoidable with a little sensitivity and awareness.

Here are eight dumb things to avoid like the plague:

1. Waiting and waiting and…: Write this down: There’s no such thing as a perfect man or woman. While you wait for one to appear, lots of people cross your path with whom you could have a perfectly good time — and maybe even fall for.

2. Texting at the table: Imagine you’re looking forward to dinner alone with someone you find attractive. You show up at the agreed upon time, and he or she has invited 12 others to join you — parents, siblings, coworkers — and given them permission to interrupt your conversation at any time. Ridiculous, right? Put. The phone. Down.

3. Flirting with the waiter/waitress: If you’re in the market for romance, it’s natural to have your antennae up and alert for possibilities wherever you go. But when on a date, turn off the radar and focus your undivided attention on the person — and potential partner — right in front of you.

4. Taking “casual” too far: It’s probably a good thing that society has eased up on the strict formalities of dating when our great-grandparents were young. But relaxed standards are no excuse for laziness. Don’t just “hang out.” Use your imagination to plan something fun and different. Don’t dress like you just came from the gym — put some effort into looking (and feeling) sharp.

5. Ignoring common courtesy: Some of those “antiquated” rules for dating, however, deserve a second look. In rejecting concepts like “chivalry” and “decency,” we’ve robbed ourselves of potent romantic opportunity. Discover for yourself how attractive old-fashioned good manners can be.

6. Talking more than you listen: Some people treat a date as an opportunity to reveal — in great detail — how fascinating they are. Make it your mission to do the opposite, to discover your date’s hidden dreams, talents, and goals. Give them the gift of being the fascinating one for a change — and they’ll remember you for it.

7. Breaking the (dating) speed limit: While it’s possible to cause problems by going too slow, the most dramatic crashes happen because you’ve hit the gas too hard, too soon. That’s when you’re most likely to confuse sexual sizzle with true love, or to ignore warning signs that the road ahead may not be as smooth as you hoped. Slow down and (safely) enjoy the journey.

8. Getting too personal, too soon: In most cases, the person you are dating is — or was until recently — a complete stranger to you. They don’t need to know your secrets, phobias, childhood traumas, medical issues, and most embarrassing moments right out of the gate. Establish trust before you open up about everything.

Source: eHarmony.com

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Relationships

15 Ways to be the person others want to date

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Dating Uganda, sex Life

You may want more dates … or you may want better dates. You probably want dates with people who have the potential to be the love of your life.

Whatever the case, it’s wise to pause and ask if you’re doing all you can to attract the best.

To be sure you’re the kind of person other people can’t wait to go out with and keep going out with— here are some things to think about…

1. Act “as if …”: If you knew you would meet someone amazing this week, you would probably dress a little nicer and smile more. So do it, because it just might happen.

2. Make yourself feel attractive: Read a self-improvement book, buy a new outfit, get out and exercise, update your look—when you feel attractive, others will find you more attractive, too.

3. Initiate a growth spurt: You will be far more captivating to the opposite sex by continually growing, developing, and moving your life toward a big goal.

4. Check your must-have and can’t-stand lists: Those lists you made to evaluate potential partners are a good place to evaluate your own attractiveness.

5. Love yourself—so you can receive love from someone else: Don’t roll your eyes, this is so true! Having a healthy self-regard, and feeling comfortable in your own skin, sends a powerful message that you are ready to give and receive love.

6. Live with purpose:  Everyone wants to be around a person who loves life and lives it fully. Discover what inspires and energises you, and go for it.

7. Project confidence:  Since self-confidence is contagious, you’ll boost your odds of finding a partner if you become convinced deep down that you have a lot to offer.

8. Detox your emotional life:  Toxic emotions — bitterness, regrets, shame — have a way of leaking out into actions and attitudes. Do whatever you can to work through damaging feelings.

9. Tell it like it is: Everyone appreciates a straight shooter, with no hidden agendas or sales pitches.

10. Let your enthusiasm pour out: Which would you choose—a date who has low energy and seems indifferent, or someone who is upbeat and optimistic? So would your potential dates.

11. Skip the snarky banter: Modern humour leans heavily on sarcasm and cynicism, which may work for stand-up comics and late-night TV hosts, but not so much for potential lovers.

12. Maximise your God-given assets: Look for ways to develop and utilise your talents.

13. Know where you’re going: If you don’t have a solid direction for your life, work hard to develop one.

14. Show genuine interest: Everyone has a story to tell and a desire to be heard. Make the other person feel worthy of your undivided attention. (Put the phone away.)

15. Leave exes out of the conversation: You’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating because it’s such a common complaint: No one wants to hear all the terrible details about your exes!

Source: Graphic.com.gh

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