If she thinks that he’s “The One”, women tend to stay with a man regardless of his behavior.
I’m a professional Matchmaker at Matchmakers In The City, and I date coach a lot of women who have been through it with a guy who they thought was “The One”.
One of the Bachelorettes who I date coached, Jennifer, exemplifies the situation that many women find themselves. She described Rob to me who had a pull on her for years, even when they only rarely saw each other. They met at work and began casually hanging out as friends, learning that they shared the common background of divorced parents.
This was the first time that she met a man who could deeply empathize with the pain that she had dealt with for years. He also had handsome features, athletic shoulders, and an arresting smile to top it off. But, to her dismay, he frequently flaked on plans, but she tried to act nonchalant to preserve their casual friendship that she treasured, even though she yearned to be more than just friends.
Eventually, they both recognized their intense attraction to each other at a party, their relationship entered into murky territory, and he ended up ghosting her. Through her friends, she heard stories of his excessive drinking and partying habits.
Hung up on the connection that they had together, she held onto hope that he would change and realize that they were made for each other.
Don’t be like Jennifer. Here are 7 signs that can help you detect your counter-fit soul mate, so that you can break up with him ASAP:
1. He’s unfaithful.
If he cheats, he needs alone time and a severe life change. Some women will defend their boyfriends saying that men, by nature, cheat.
As a professional Matchmaker, I will tell you once and for all: monogamy proves challenging for both men and women. Love is a choice, and he chose to fulfill his selfish desires and gratify his ego rather than to love you.
2. He’s “not looking for anything serious.”
Of course, you want to spend time getting to know each other, but after a few months, if he hesitates to make your relationship official (with titles), take note. This man may be too immature for the kind of fulfilling relationship that you want.
Figure out the kind of commitment that you desire, and he needs to step up or get out of line so that the right man can take his proper place. Ladies, stop selling yourself short. Refuse to wait around for years for a man who’s unsure of what he wants.
3. You’re afraid.
If you fear that it will be impossible to find another man who you’ll find so attractive or who makes you feel this way, listen up. You will. You will find the right man who you find extremely attractive, and he’ll make you feel beautiful. You also may have some fear that other men will fail to want you.
Maybe you put on a few pounds since you started dating, or a few years have passed, and time has taken its toll on your appearance. Rest assured that taking care of yourself and increased exercise costs a lot less than healing the emotional wounds that will continue if you stay with this guy.
4. He directs his potty mouth at you.
If a guy curses at you, demeans you, or is abusive towards you, even if it’s just for a few moments, it’s time to say goodbye. Of course, everyone has flaws, but a man who exhibits any of these behaviors towards you needs to leave. Separate from him before the abuse gets worse.
5. He flakes on you.
A few of our Bachelorettes have experienced the heartbreaking scenario of getting stood up by a man who they cared about and wanted to see again. After he missed their date, they felt tempted to continue to date him.
In this case, I advise women to use the fluke or flaw rule. He may have forgotten this one time (a fluke), or he flakes often and found something else more immediately gratifying to do (a flaw).
Remember, you hold the power; you can give him another chance to discern this character trait about him, but if this is a behavior pattern, give him up, girl. Time and time again, reliability reveals itself as one of the most important qualities of a good future husband.
6. He acts like he’s in middle school.
A man who lies clearly has low self-esteem. He thinks that he needs to put on a show for women to want him or to get anything that he wants. This also reveals that he has failed to mature to a place where he feels comfortable in his own skin.
In order for love to work, both people need to love themselves, make sacrifices, and commit 100 percent. A common game-playing tactic occurs when a man may try to hurt you since he believes that you did something wrong.
However, your relationship can only survive if you both choose to be the bigger person. Sure, you can, and should, lovingly tell your significant other if his actions hurt you, but revenge kills love.
7. He freeloads off of your success.
As many of our Girl Boss Bachelorettes affirm, they want a man who can hold his own and take care of himself. If you find that your guy depends on you for money and takes advantage of your success, it’s time to tighten your belt.
I have seen the heartache caused when women misidentify “The One”. Instead of a title that takes months of discernment, women may use it as a band-aid to cover the ugliness of their boyfriend’s actions.
Are you really having good sex?
By Bessie Fox
Some people say men are looking for good sex in a relationship and women are looking for love. Some studies have shown that, no, actually it is the women looking for good sex while men are searching for some kind of connection. Well, I will have you know that at the end of the day, none of that matters – not the studies, not even what everyone else is thinking. We all desire a connection and if we connect through sex, it had better be a damn good sexual adventure. Don’t you agree? But then again, so many people care so much about opinions and how they will be perceived if they openly talk about sex.
Talking about sex is a taboo. Even when talking to our bros and sisters, some of us edit our conversations like pros, often times taking out the best parts and replacing them with generalised words or code words. We get that, sex is private, and yet sex is the most selling topic in movies, advertising, and books. So, if we are seeing it everywhere, why not talk about it? Why wait to learn the “hard” way? Why pretend like we don’t care and then secretly Google about it.
After all is said and done, we need to have good sex, responsibly of course. However, we all can’t have good sex if we fail to make good and meaningful connections with our partners and friends. The idea of good and safe sex gets distorted when we think of getting STI’s, pregnant and for many of us who are seeking a connection, the fear of getting “used” and left with a broken heart is real. We have heard about those married couples who fight everyday and sleep in different rooms. One can only imagine what kind of sex they are having, if they are getting any. Most failed marriages today are ruined by bad communication, lack of trust, secrets and unevolved expectations in gender roles. All these failings eventually trickle down to sex, hence bad sex and then no sex, and then somehow we hear that our perfect couples are cheating on each other or that they are holding on because of the kids. What gives? A frustrated relationship is equal to bad sex and once it gets to that point, we all act like the relationship is no more.
The importance of exploring all the dynamics of good sex isn’t classified but rather justified. NTV’s Chicken and Chips show is an example of taking this topic by the horns. Topics about sex and relationships are openly discussed on the show, and on their social media platforms.
Chicken and Chips is not holding back to make anyone feel comfortable or to honour taboos, nope! Rather, it is disrupting the usual way of #KeepQuiet by asking all the questions we all want to ask but won’t.
You can watch the episodes for yourself every Sunday at 1:30pm or the replay on Friday at 4pm. They include “puppet reality TV” based on real conversations, and “talk of the town” filming people answering some deep questions on the streets of Kampala, plus music videos and “social experiments” that capture people on candid camera in funny situations. Maybe you’ll have better sex once you get a chance to really talk about it!
8 Dumb things to avoid on a date
Who hasn’t tossed and turned in bed the night before a big date trying to account for all the things that could go wrong?
There’s nothing you can do about those things — which makes it especially important to get a grip on factors you can control, the self-inflicted catastrophes that are avoidable with a little sensitivity and awareness.
Here are eight dumb things to avoid like the plague:
1. Waiting and waiting and…: Write this down: There’s no such thing as a perfect man or woman. While you wait for one to appear, lots of people cross your path with whom you could have a perfectly good time — and maybe even fall for.
2. Texting at the table: Imagine you’re looking forward to dinner alone with someone you find attractive. You show up at the agreed upon time, and he or she has invited 12 others to join you — parents, siblings, coworkers — and given them permission to interrupt your conversation at any time. Ridiculous, right? Put. The phone. Down.
3. Flirting with the waiter/waitress: If you’re in the market for romance, it’s natural to have your antennae up and alert for possibilities wherever you go. But when on a date, turn off the radar and focus your undivided attention on the person — and potential partner — right in front of you.
4. Taking “casual” too far: It’s probably a good thing that society has eased up on the strict formalities of dating when our great-grandparents were young. But relaxed standards are no excuse for laziness. Don’t just “hang out.” Use your imagination to plan something fun and different. Don’t dress like you just came from the gym — put some effort into looking (and feeling) sharp.
5. Ignoring common courtesy: Some of those “antiquated” rules for dating, however, deserve a second look. In rejecting concepts like “chivalry” and “decency,” we’ve robbed ourselves of potent romantic opportunity. Discover for yourself how attractive old-fashioned good manners can be.
6. Talking more than you listen: Some people treat a date as an opportunity to reveal — in great detail — how fascinating they are. Make it your mission to do the opposite, to discover your date’s hidden dreams, talents, and goals. Give them the gift of being the fascinating one for a change — and they’ll remember you for it.
7. Breaking the (dating) speed limit: While it’s possible to cause problems by going too slow, the most dramatic crashes happen because you’ve hit the gas too hard, too soon. That’s when you’re most likely to confuse sexual sizzle with true love, or to ignore warning signs that the road ahead may not be as smooth as you hoped. Slow down and (safely) enjoy the journey.
8. Getting too personal, too soon: In most cases, the person you are dating is — or was until recently — a complete stranger to you. They don’t need to know your secrets, phobias, childhood traumas, medical issues, and most embarrassing moments right out of the gate. Establish trust before you open up about everything.
15 Ways to be the person others want to date
You may want more dates … or you may want better dates. You probably want dates with people who have the potential to be the love of your life.
Whatever the case, it’s wise to pause and ask if you’re doing all you can to attract the best.
To be sure you’re the kind of person other people can’t wait to go out with and keep going out with— here are some things to think about…
1. Act “as if …”: If you knew you would meet someone amazing this week, you would probably dress a little nicer and smile more. So do it, because it just might happen.
2. Make yourself feel attractive: Read a self-improvement book, buy a new outfit, get out and exercise, update your look—when you feel attractive, others will find you more attractive, too.
3. Initiate a growth spurt: You will be far more captivating to the opposite sex by continually growing, developing, and moving your life toward a big goal.
4. Check your must-have and can’t-stand lists: Those lists you made to evaluate potential partners are a good place to evaluate your own attractiveness.
5. Love yourself—so you can receive love from someone else: Don’t roll your eyes, this is so true! Having a healthy self-regard, and feeling comfortable in your own skin, sends a powerful message that you are ready to give and receive love.
6. Live with purpose: Everyone wants to be around a person who loves life and lives it fully. Discover what inspires and energises you, and go for it.
7. Project confidence: Since self-confidence is contagious, you’ll boost your odds of finding a partner if you become convinced deep down that you have a lot to offer.
8. Detox your emotional life: Toxic emotions — bitterness, regrets, shame — have a way of leaking out into actions and attitudes. Do whatever you can to work through damaging feelings.
9. Tell it like it is: Everyone appreciates a straight shooter, with no hidden agendas or sales pitches.
10. Let your enthusiasm pour out: Which would you choose—a date who has low energy and seems indifferent, or someone who is upbeat and optimistic? So would your potential dates.
11. Skip the snarky banter: Modern humour leans heavily on sarcasm and cynicism, which may work for stand-up comics and late-night TV hosts, but not so much for potential lovers.
12. Maximise your God-given assets: Look for ways to develop and utilise your talents.
13. Know where you’re going: If you don’t have a solid direction for your life, work hard to develop one.
14. Show genuine interest: Everyone has a story to tell and a desire to be heard. Make the other person feel worthy of your undivided attention. (Put the phone away.)
15. Leave exes out of the conversation: You’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating because it’s such a common complaint: No one wants to hear all the terrible details about your exes!
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