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7 Reasons why your sex life is dull

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Sex is a fun activity, and a very powerful antidepressant but there are times in life that your sex life isn’t just what it should be, and sometimes you don’t know what the reason could be especially if you’re in a long-term relationship.

Solving the problem that this creates is very important, which is why this will feel like good news. Women’s Health spoke with Terri Orbuch, PhD, a relationship expert and the author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.

Here are 7 reasons why your sex life can be dull.

1. Your medications

The wonder of western medicine, while its curing you of one, its making you ill elsewhere. The drugs you’re taking can kill your sex drive. Some of them mess wuth your hormones.  Also, birth control pills shut down your body’s ovulation process, meaning you won’t get those mid-cycle spikes in horniness that many folks trying to conceive brag about. But as your medicine cabinet medicine cabinet starts filling up over the years, other meds like antidepressants and heartburn drugs can be to blame, says Orbuch.

If you think this might be the problem, “See your doctor for a complete physical and ask him or her how to address these underlying problems of low sex drive,” says Orbuch.

2. You’re dealing with stuff

Life can be happening sometimes and this might mean that your sex drive might take a nose dive. It happens, sometimes you probably cannot remember when last you hugged your partner, the solution however is “Plan a weekend getaway, just the two of you,” says Orbuch. Going away from routine helps a lot, it can help rekindle that need deep inside your inner thighs.

3. Pressure

While dealing with pressure, you can endure some lackluster sex drive because the mind is constantly wandering while you’re having sex. To help you get over this you might want to create a list of things bothering you. “Writing things down will help you notice certain situations that are throwing off your sex game,” she says. After you’ve done this, take time out to find amends for it.

4. Having a baby

Pregnancy and childbirth naturally affect a woman in a lot of ways, one of them is with her hormones. While some women are turned on by almost anything during pregnancy, others completely lose interest. “The after-effects of vaginal delivery and exhaustion mean sex gets shelved as everyone adjusts to the new lifestyle,” says Gloria Brame, PhD, a sex therapist and author of Different Loving.

“For example, your role may shift to a less sexual, more parent-y model,” she says. One of the best ways to get your groove back is by discussing your old sexcapades, says Orbuch. “Talking to your partner about sex can be sexually arousing for you both,” she says.

5. Your fantasies take the back seat

Usually, the kind of sex that some people prefer might not be exactly what their partners are into, or can tolerate, and this can lead to discontentment. For instance, if she likes to receive head, because it makes her cum easily and the partner doesn’t like it. This can become a sort of problem. Your fantasies should be part of your sex lives.

You can’t expect your partner to know you unless you show him all of you,” says Brame. “If he doesn’t like what he hears, he’s not the right partner for you.”

6. You’re not confident about yourself

This is a damager, your thoughts about yourself can grossly affect your sex live, if you don’t think you’re beautiful enough, it can spill over to your partner. “Your partner fell for you—not Megan Fox,” says Brame. “Communicate and talk about how you’re feeling,” she says.

7. You aint feeling the nigga

To borrow the opposite of that line from D’banj. It happens you just don’t get turned on by him anymore. But before you take that leap to the big D (Divorce) or B (Break up) word. You might need to ask yourself if this is a temporary thing brought on by something he did. It might just be something he did that has caused this lacuna which can be dealt with.

“This will help you determine whether attraction is the problem, or if that’s just hiding behind a wall of anger and miscommunication,” says Brame.

Source: Pulse.ng

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Relationships

What makes a relationship work, according to men who know

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Being married can be a tough gig at times, even when you’re part of a family which has been divinely selected to rule over the United Kingdom in perpetuity and is worth roughly £65 billion.

So ahead of ‘that wedding’, we’ve collected some of the most helpful pieces of wisdom ever shared with Esquire when we’ve asked the simple question: what makes a relationship work?

Van Data and white lover

From Oscar winning actors to businessmen to designers, this is what they’ve had to say. Thank us later, Harry.

“It’s about learning to give and take, learning to be interested, and interesting, learning to not just talk about yourself, listening to how their day has been, as well as your day. It’s just keeping your feet on the ground. Do the washing up. Wipe the tops. I love that. It’s so therapeutic.”

“All marriages have ups and downs. If you fight through whatever the problem is and solve it then you’ll end up staying together. If you’d rather be bitter and not communicate then you create chasms that can’t be crossed.”

– Samuel L Jackson

“The reason I think I’m in a happy relationship now is because I manage my expectations. I don’t see my partner as a carer or someone who’s meant to generate joy for me, but as an independent person that I share my life with. The problem is that we don’t recognise the parameters of consumerism. I don’t think we see how entrenched it has become in our mentality, that we look at all experience as something we can somehow devour or use.”

– Russell Brand
“Honesty is important in a relationship. One time in the early days of us dating, Susanne made us a fish pie, and it was rank. So I told her. It still crops up now and again, 20 years later. But I had to tell her or she’d make it again, I’d still be eating it. That’s the problem with people – they tip-toe around each other. She’s had haircuts and I’ve gone: ‘Why have you done that? What a horrible style’. And I want her to be honest with me.”

– Karl Pilkington
Source: Esquire

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Relationships

How long should sex last? Study reveals the average duration of a sex session

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You’d be forgiven for thinking that we humans do nothing but talk about sex.

But even when us amorous apes actually stop doing the jaw-jaw and get down to business, there’s still one question haunting our horny brains: just how long should sex last?

If you’re Sting or Puff Daddy, you’d probably say sex should go on for at least the length of a bank holiday weekend.

Whilst if you’re an inexperienced spotty teenager, you’ll probably be delighted if the time taken to complete a dirty deed matches the duration of an average Ariana Grande tune.

Now science has weighed in (again) to tell the world exactly how much time they should be spending in the act of physical love: 5.4 minutes.

“If you’re a non-scientist, you might have once asked yourself, propped against the bedhead after disappointingly quick intercourse, how long does sex ‘normally’ last?” Dr Brendan Zietsch from the University of Queensland wrote in The Conversation.

“A scientist, though, would phrase the same question in an almost comically obscure way: What is the mean intravaginal ejaculation latency time?

“I know there’s a lot more to sex than putting the penis into the vagina and ejaculating, but the rest is not always easy to define (kissing? rubbing? grinding?).

“To keep things simple and specific, we’ll just focus on the time to ejaculation.”

Dr Brendan Zietsch recounted a study in which 500 couples were armed with a stopwatch and asked to press the button (of the clock) when the unspeakable act begun and then tap it again when the man experiences his magical moment.

“That is as practically awkward as it sounds: participants pressed ‘start’ at penile penetration and ‘stop’ at ejaculation,” he added.

“You may note this could affect the mood somewhat, and might perhaps not exactly reflect the natural flow of things.

“But science is rarely perfect, and this is the best we’ve got.”

This study found that sexy time lasts anywhere between 33 seconds and 44 minutes, with the median time coming in at 5.4 minutes.

Interestingly, the research also explores “conventional wisdom regarding penile sensitivity and its relationship to staying power in the sack”.

Older men weren’t able to last longer than young ones, while wearing a condom or being circumcised didn’t boost chaps’ performance either.

“Another surprising finding was that the older the couple, the shorter the sex, contrary to the prevailing wisdom (probably peddled by older men),” Zietsch continued.

Obese men last longer in bed

A study by researchers at Erciyes University in Turkey have found one surprising ‘plus’ to being severely overweight – and it’s your sex life which reaps the benefits.

Titled “Insight on pathogenesis of lifelong premature ejaculation: inverse relationship between lifelong premature ejaculation and obesity,” the study’s findings seem to point at a correlation between being overweight and stamina.

According to the study, the larger men with more stomach fat and a higher BMI could last for an average of 7.3 minutes in bed.

Source: Mirror UK

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Relationships

How to tell someone you only want to hook up

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Anita Fabiola and Meddie SSentongoEvery woman who has dated men has at some point said something to the tune of: “If only he had just let me know up front that he wasn’t looking for anything serious.” Sometimes it’s the opposite: “I didn’t realize he was so into me; I thought we were just hooking up.” There’s a reason “what is your intention with my daughter” is the first question all movie dads ask. Knowing the answer prevents later heartbreak.

All relationships—even one night-long relationships—involve a delicate dance of trying to ascertain the other person’s intentions. Sometimes this dance lasts minutes, and sometimes it lasts months or years. Of course, we try to make our intentions known, but we often fail. Leaving someone’s house immediately after sex, for example, doesn’t count as communicating your expectations for the relationship. Neither does never being the one to text first, or liking other girls’ Insta pics, or bringing up your ex constantly (although that is definitely an effective way to prevent serious relationships).

I once had a friends with benefits whom I never kissed on the mouth. I think it was a subconscious effect of Pretty Woman. I just figured it would be obvious that we were only there to have sex if all we ever did was have sex (also, I don’t really like making out). Luckily for me, he texted me after the first time we hooked up and let me know that he still saw us as platonic friends, despite the hookup—which was fine with me—and we had a vaguely mature talk about it and then we never had to talk about it again, since we both knew each others’ expectations.

If I understand correctly, men are terrified of women being upset with them. If you watch men end things with women—which I do frequently as a viewer of The Bachelor franchise—you’ll notice how they try to get the women to say the five magic words: “I’m not mad at you.” So why, when the fear of disappointing, enraging, or otherwise upsetting women is so strong, don’t men just make their expectations clear from the get-go?

Contrary to popular (male) opinion, women are not desperately trying to trap men in long-term commitments. Actually, now that we’re no longer economically reliant on you guys, on the whole we’re a lot less motivated to trick you into marriage. A relationship really is so much more rewarding when both parties want to be in it. Many male friends of mine have worried to me about how much they might upset a woman by turning her down, or by telling her that they don’t want to get serious. To them (and to you) I say: You aren’t that special. I mean I’m sure there are ways in which you are special, and I’m sure you have a lot to give to a partnership, but you aren’t so special that a woman will fall to pieces if you tell her you don’t want to be in a committed relationship.

All said, a woman might reasonably fall to pieces if you wait to tell her you’re just looking to fool around until you’ve shared eight months of loosely-hooking-up-and-also-doing-lots-of-date-like-activities. Just like disclosing a lethal food allergy, the sooner and more clearly you alert her, the better. You don’t need to shout MY NAME IS ANTONIO AND I’M NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING SERIOUS over the music the night you meet a girl on the dance floor, or in the Lyft on the way back to her place to hook up. But if you guys are texting the day after said sexy times, that’s a good time to lay down what you’re interested in. Or, more accurately, what you’re not interested in. (If you are genuinely open to something more happening beyond the bedroom, but wouldn’t be bothered if this went no further than a couple meetings on your still-on-the-floor mattress, then you don’t need to spell that out.) If you can, talk about it before you start to go on date-like activities with her—”date-like” meaning anything that involves leaving your houses, or anything or that starts before 9 P.M.

If, however, you are opposed to/not ready for/otherwise uninterested in putting any effort into dating a person, let them know. Don’t treat it as a favor to her that you’re giving her a heads up. It’s not a favor; it’s simply the right thing to do. You don’t get extra points for being clear about what you want just because the rest of society’s daters are out there pulling bare minimum bullshit. Don’t start your sentence with anything resembling “Just to be fair to you…” or “I just thought you would want to know…” This isn’t about her, it’s about you. “I want to be upfront with you that I’m not looking to date right now,” is a good start. You can also follow up with something along the lines of “if you are looking for a relationship, and are no longer interested in hanging out, I understand, but I’m having a great time and would love to see you again.” Unfortunately “I’m just not looking to date right now” has been appropriated by people who are just trying to weasel their way out of a tense breakup talk, so that little addendum just lets her know that it’s not her, it really is you.

 

Source: Go

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