Sex is a fun activity, and a very powerful antidepressant but there are times in life that your sex life isn’t just what it should be, and sometimes you don’t know what the reason could be especially if you’re in a long-term relationship.
Solving the problem that this creates is very important, which is why this will feel like good news. Women’s Health spoke with Terri Orbuch, PhD, a relationship expert and the author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great.
Here are 7 reasons why your sex life can be dull.
1. Your medications
The wonder of western medicine, while its curing you of one, its making you ill elsewhere. The drugs you’re taking can kill your sex drive. Some of them mess wuth your hormones. Also, birth control pills shut down your body’s ovulation process, meaning you won’t get those mid-cycle spikes in horniness that many folks trying to conceive brag about. But as your medicine cabinet medicine cabinet starts filling up over the years, other meds like antidepressants and heartburn drugs can be to blame, says Orbuch.
If you think this might be the problem, “See your doctor for a complete physical and ask him or her how to address these underlying problems of low sex drive,” says Orbuch.
2. You’re dealing with stuff
Life can be happening sometimes and this might mean that your sex drive might take a nose dive. It happens, sometimes you probably cannot remember when last you hugged your partner, the solution however is “Plan a weekend getaway, just the two of you,” says Orbuch. Going away from routine helps a lot, it can help rekindle that need deep inside your inner thighs.
While dealing with pressure, you can endure some lackluster sex drive because the mind is constantly wandering while you’re having sex. To help you get over this you might want to create a list of things bothering you. “Writing things down will help you notice certain situations that are throwing off your sex game,” she says. After you’ve done this, take time out to find amends for it.
4. Having a baby
Pregnancy and childbirth naturally affect a woman in a lot of ways, one of them is with her hormones. While some women are turned on by almost anything during pregnancy, others completely lose interest. “The after-effects of vaginal delivery and exhaustion mean sex gets shelved as everyone adjusts to the new lifestyle,” says Gloria Brame, PhD, a sex therapist and author of Different Loving.
“For example, your role may shift to a less sexual, more parent-y model,” she says. One of the best ways to get your groove back is by discussing your old sexcapades, says Orbuch. “Talking to your partner about sex can be sexually arousing for you both,” she says.
5. Your fantasies take the back seat
Usually, the kind of sex that some people prefer might not be exactly what their partners are into, or can tolerate, and this can lead to discontentment. For instance, if she likes to receive head, because it makes her cum easily and the partner doesn’t like it. This can become a sort of problem. Your fantasies should be part of your sex lives.
You can’t expect your partner to know you unless you show him all of you,” says Brame. “If he doesn’t like what he hears, he’s not the right partner for you.”
6. You’re not confident about yourself
This is a damager, your thoughts about yourself can grossly affect your sex live, if you don’t think you’re beautiful enough, it can spill over to your partner. “Your partner fell for you—not Megan Fox,” says Brame. “Communicate and talk about how you’re feeling,” she says.
7. You aint feeling the nigga
To borrow the opposite of that line from D’banj. It happens you just don’t get turned on by him anymore. But before you take that leap to the big D (Divorce) or B (Break up) word. You might need to ask yourself if this is a temporary thing brought on by something he did. It might just be something he did that has caused this lacuna which can be dealt with.
“This will help you determine whether attraction is the problem, or if that’s just hiding behind a wall of anger and miscommunication,” says Brame.
8 Dumb things to avoid on a date
Who hasn’t tossed and turned in bed the night before a big date trying to account for all the things that could go wrong?
There’s nothing you can do about those things — which makes it especially important to get a grip on factors you can control, the self-inflicted catastrophes that are avoidable with a little sensitivity and awareness.
Here are eight dumb things to avoid like the plague:
1. Waiting and waiting and…: Write this down: There’s no such thing as a perfect man or woman. While you wait for one to appear, lots of people cross your path with whom you could have a perfectly good time — and maybe even fall for.
2. Texting at the table: Imagine you’re looking forward to dinner alone with someone you find attractive. You show up at the agreed upon time, and he or she has invited 12 others to join you — parents, siblings, coworkers — and given them permission to interrupt your conversation at any time. Ridiculous, right? Put. The phone. Down.
3. Flirting with the waiter/waitress: If you’re in the market for romance, it’s natural to have your antennae up and alert for possibilities wherever you go. But when on a date, turn off the radar and focus your undivided attention on the person — and potential partner — right in front of you.
4. Taking “casual” too far: It’s probably a good thing that society has eased up on the strict formalities of dating when our great-grandparents were young. But relaxed standards are no excuse for laziness. Don’t just “hang out.” Use your imagination to plan something fun and different. Don’t dress like you just came from the gym — put some effort into looking (and feeling) sharp.
5. Ignoring common courtesy: Some of those “antiquated” rules for dating, however, deserve a second look. In rejecting concepts like “chivalry” and “decency,” we’ve robbed ourselves of potent romantic opportunity. Discover for yourself how attractive old-fashioned good manners can be.
6. Talking more than you listen: Some people treat a date as an opportunity to reveal — in great detail — how fascinating they are. Make it your mission to do the opposite, to discover your date’s hidden dreams, talents, and goals. Give them the gift of being the fascinating one for a change — and they’ll remember you for it.
7. Breaking the (dating) speed limit: While it’s possible to cause problems by going too slow, the most dramatic crashes happen because you’ve hit the gas too hard, too soon. That’s when you’re most likely to confuse sexual sizzle with true love, or to ignore warning signs that the road ahead may not be as smooth as you hoped. Slow down and (safely) enjoy the journey.
8. Getting too personal, too soon: In most cases, the person you are dating is — or was until recently — a complete stranger to you. They don’t need to know your secrets, phobias, childhood traumas, medical issues, and most embarrassing moments right out of the gate. Establish trust before you open up about everything.
15 Ways to be the person others want to date
You may want more dates … or you may want better dates. You probably want dates with people who have the potential to be the love of your life.
Whatever the case, it’s wise to pause and ask if you’re doing all you can to attract the best.
To be sure you’re the kind of person other people can’t wait to go out with and keep going out with— here are some things to think about…
1. Act “as if …”: If you knew you would meet someone amazing this week, you would probably dress a little nicer and smile more. So do it, because it just might happen.
2. Make yourself feel attractive: Read a self-improvement book, buy a new outfit, get out and exercise, update your look—when you feel attractive, others will find you more attractive, too.
3. Initiate a growth spurt: You will be far more captivating to the opposite sex by continually growing, developing, and moving your life toward a big goal.
4. Check your must-have and can’t-stand lists: Those lists you made to evaluate potential partners are a good place to evaluate your own attractiveness.
5. Love yourself—so you can receive love from someone else: Don’t roll your eyes, this is so true! Having a healthy self-regard, and feeling comfortable in your own skin, sends a powerful message that you are ready to give and receive love.
6. Live with purpose: Everyone wants to be around a person who loves life and lives it fully. Discover what inspires and energises you, and go for it.
7. Project confidence: Since self-confidence is contagious, you’ll boost your odds of finding a partner if you become convinced deep down that you have a lot to offer.
8. Detox your emotional life: Toxic emotions — bitterness, regrets, shame — have a way of leaking out into actions and attitudes. Do whatever you can to work through damaging feelings.
9. Tell it like it is: Everyone appreciates a straight shooter, with no hidden agendas or sales pitches.
10. Let your enthusiasm pour out: Which would you choose—a date who has low energy and seems indifferent, or someone who is upbeat and optimistic? So would your potential dates.
11. Skip the snarky banter: Modern humour leans heavily on sarcasm and cynicism, which may work for stand-up comics and late-night TV hosts, but not so much for potential lovers.
12. Maximise your God-given assets: Look for ways to develop and utilise your talents.
13. Know where you’re going: If you don’t have a solid direction for your life, work hard to develop one.
14. Show genuine interest: Everyone has a story to tell and a desire to be heard. Make the other person feel worthy of your undivided attention. (Put the phone away.)
15. Leave exes out of the conversation: You’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating because it’s such a common complaint: No one wants to hear all the terrible details about your exes!
10 Tips on how to talk to a guy you like
Do you get all tongue twisted and shy when you talk to a guy you like? Do you find it hard to find the right words, and often come out with the wrong ones? Often, when we are trying to impress someone, we can get so nervous, that we forget all the things that we wanted to say. That’s why having a few tips on how to approach and talk to a guy that you like can be helpful. If you are prepared for what you are going to say, then it will be much easier to appear confident and you will be less likely to clam up, or gush out all the wrong things. Take a look at these tips on how to talk to a guy you like. They might help you start up a conversation, the next time you meet someone really nice.
1. Remember, men don’t really come from another planet
Despite all that you may have heard, men aren’t really all that different from women. Try not to think too much about the fact that it’s a man that you are talking to and try to forget some of those preconceived ideas you may have about what men are like. Men are just people, just like you, so relax and be natural, and you will find that they aren’t half as scary as you’d thought they were.
2. Mind your P’s and Q’s
Most guys prefer women who are polite and good natured, so lay off the bad language and try to be genuine. It might sound a bit old fashioned, but most men really do prefer a woman to be a lady and they don’t appreciate a girl who’s trying to be one of the lads.
3. Use your smile
Another great tip on how to talk to a guy you like is to use your beautiful smile. People naturally feel attracted to happy people, so use that smile of yours to get, and keep, his attention. Don’t grin manically him, that’ll just scare him off, but do laugh at his jokes and look like you are in a good mood. Men just can’t resist a girl with a beautiful smile.
4. Give him compliments
You are probably quite comfortable complimenting your female friends on their new dress or hairstyle, but have you ever complimented a man when you are talking to him? Men love to get a compliment too, but it’s usually better if you stick to complimenting on his sense of humour, or his sharp mind, than it is complementing him in appearance.
5. Make eye contact
This is one of the best tips on how to talk to a guy you like. When you do talk to a guy, look him in the eye when you speak to him. When you make eye contact with a person, it shows that you are being sincere and you have nothing to hide. Try not to let your shyness make you look away from him, because that could be read as a sign that you are bored and you want to get away.
6. Be a bit mysterious
Don’t reveal everything about you in one go because men like a little bit of a mystery and intrigue, it’s another great tip on how to talk to a guy you like and make him want to discover more. If he catches you smiling for no apparent reason, for example, he’s going to wonder what is amusing you. Leave him guessing and just say ‘oh nothing”, and his curiosity will get the better of him. The more questions you leave answered, without being annoying, the more he will want to hang around to learn more about you.
7. Don’t judge about other people
Men really don’t like to hear women talking badly about other people, so trying to start a conversation by criticising colleagues, or friends, is not a good move. If you are going to talk about other people, be positive, or, if you can’t do that, keep your thoughts to yourself. Not only don’t men like that kind of talk, you never know if the person you are being nasty about is a close friend of the guy you are talking to.
8. Touch him
The gentle, tender touch of a girl is something that few men can’t resist. Research has proven that men become very attracted to a girl that touches him, so the occasional light touch on his arm, or a hand on the shoulder, will go a long way toward melting the ice. Keep it casual and appropriate and you will soon find that his interest in you grows.
9. Don’t be afraid of short silences
Sometimes when you are talking to a man you will find that he pauses before he answers you. Don’t be worried by this and don’t but-in with more words. Guys do tend to think about what they are going to say more than women do, so he’s he probably just mulling over his response to your last comment.
10. Be yourself
The most important tip on how to talk to a guy you like, to bear in mind, is to be natural and be yourself. Relax, calm down, and try not to your nerves get the better of you. If you are genuine and honest, you will put the guy at ease and he will feel more comfortable talking to you too.
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